With Friday’s reconvening of Parliament all eyes and ears will be on the Cabinet lawn for the delivery of the 2005 Throne Speech, or “Social Agenda version 2.0: the second attempt at the second attempt”.

While Governor Vereker will no doubt be pleased that his cameo role of Englishman will this year be filled by Prince Andrew, if this Throne Speech is anything like its predecessors there will be little for the rest of us to smile about.

As the past seven years under the PLP Government have driven so many of us to drink, it’s only appropriate that we derive some pleasure from Friday’s festivities. Therefore, as Bermuda works best when Bermudians drink together, it’s time for the Throne Speech Drinking Game; yes the speech takes place at 10 a.m. — but it will be Friday after all.

(Disclaimer: I do not condone the excessive consumption of alcohol — know your limits and drink responsibly — but after seven years of living through the New Bermuda, I completely understand.)

The Throne Speech Drinking Game is quite simple, as any good drinking game should be: with a sufficient supply of your favourite beverage handy, sit back and listen for any of the following words, phrases or issues. Each item’s utterance signals the need for a different number of drinks, with a drink being either a shot or a gulp.

If the Government lives up to their part of the deal, and normally they don’t but in this case they will, you’ll be comatose well before the Speaker is.

Take one drink whenever you hear:

[bul] Mr. Speaker

[bul] Social Agenda

[bul] Sustainable Development

[bul] Housing

[bul] Seniors

[bul] Crime

[bul] Youth

[bul] Independence, Bermuda Independence Commission, BIC

[bul] Sovereignty, nation, nationhood or national pride

[bul] Unique solution

[bul] Community or community spirit

[bul] Public Access to Information

[bul] Watershed or unprecedented

[bul] Grass roots

[bul] Partnership or collaboration

[bul] Refocus or recommit

Take two drinks if you hear:<$>

[bul] “Have’s continue to have and the have-nots will have more”

[bul] “Bermuda works best when Bermuda works together”

[bul] “One man, one vote”; or any reference to democracy

[bul] Divisiveness, voices of division, or “those who seek to divide us”

[bul] Caring Government, listening Government

[bul] The invocation of God or a higher being (excluding the Premier or anyone in Cabinet)

[bul] Racism, race or race relations

[bul] Media bias

[bul] Free speech

Contain your laughter before taking a generous swig if you hear:<$>

[bul] Openness, accountability or transparency

[bul] High standards, ethics or ethical standards

[bul] “Government that delivers”

[bul] Tourism has turned around

[bul] Fiscally responsible

Wipe the spray off your neighbour and take two drinks if an actual example is provided of:<$>

[bul] Openness, accountability or transparency

[bul] High standards, ethics or ethical standards

[bul] Anything that the Government has delivered for anyone other than themselves

[bul] Tourism’s turnaround

[bul] Fiscal responsibility

Pick yourself up from the floor; you’re half hot, but take a drink anyway if you hear:

[bul] “People who look and sound like—”

[bul] bringing us together or uniting us

[bul] a quote from Shakespeare and/or Oscar Wilde

[bul] 14,000 people didn’t know what they were signing

[bul] any reference to Cuba

[bul] a reference to the new $300,000 Parliamentary parking lot

[bul] a reference to the unfinished bus terminal

Stop drinking; you’re full hot, if you hear:

[bul] an apology for the past seven years

[bul] “We’ll continue to mislead you when we have to—”

[bul] BIC was biased

[bul] a date for a stand-alone referendum on independence

[bul] an apology to the 14,000 signatories to the Bermudians For Referendum petition

[bul] an apology for screwing up the Bermuda Homes for People project

[bul] an apology for the Berkeley debacle

[bul] the announcement of an independent investigation into the “pay to play” scandal

[bul] a reduction in Cabinet travel

[bul] the use of satire or irony

[bul] “John Swan had it right”

Enjoy, but don’t blame me when you can’t go back to work; blame the Government.www.politics.bm