I managed to upset myself with last week's column. Contrary to the headline, I don't consider myself a cheapskate. I don't want you to think of yourself that way, either.

One should always practise generosity towards others. All religions teach that, and for a good reason. I choose, however, to be less generous towards myself, and therein lies my savings edge. By carefully considering anything I am about to buy myself, I sometimes decide that I don't really need to spend the money and give myself the gift of saving instead.

I have mentioned this before, but may not have stressed how very important it is not to save money at the expense of others. Getting rich slowly by stiffing other people is not what this is all about. It will earn you a name you don't want, and the money you save by cheating your friends won't be worth the reputation you will gain.

Last week, after spending Thanksgiving dinner at some friends' house, I offered to take them out for a meal sometime, since I cannot reciprocate their gracious hospitality in my tiny apartment. "We're not looking for a quid pro quo," said my host, but I was, in a way. In my book, you shouldn't accept someone else's kindness without returning it whenever you can. I take the view that if you don't, that's stealing.

It's not a matter of keeping score. Good friends won't mind if you're ahead or behind a little, because they're not keeping score either. Both you and they have more important things to worry about, and I'm not saying you should spend all your time worrying about whose turn it is next. But many a friendship has been destroyed because one party felt that he or she was spending more than the other person, so at least be aware of how things stand. Set your mental meter to ensure that, as a standard practice, you pay your way, and you'll never have to think about it again.

I worked with a guy once who used to insist that everyone in the office have lunch together once a week, usually on a Friday. It was fun, and everyone joined in. Soon after this started, we noticed that whenever the cheque arrived, Jim (not his real name) would be in the bathroom. When we divvied up what was due, Jim was never there. He reappeared only later, when the bill had been dealt with.

This happened a few times, I recall. Once, he even went out of the bathroom window and never reappeared at the table, at which point we decided to call him on it. We were all being paid at about the same rate, so there was no case of hardship to be made on Jim's behalf. Back at the office after lunch one Friday, someone told him what his share of the meal had cost. He made an excuse about not having the money on him at that moment, and promised to pay it back, but he didn't.

The following week, when the coffee was served, by arrangement, two of the men went to the rest room before Jim had the chance. When the bill arrived, Jim said he'd left his wallet at home. "No big deal," he insisted, "someone pay for me, and I'll pay you back next week." He didn't.

The week after that, no one wanted to have lunch on the Friday, and we never did go out as a group again. To this day, when I think of Jim, who was not otherwise a bad guy (and has now left Bermuda), I think of him bailing out before the cheque arrived. So does everyone else who worked in that office. Lunch cost, oh, $20 or $30, tops. It seemed petty to be constantly reminding him that he owed it. But Jim became forever known as a skinflint for no more than $100. Could it possibly have been worth it?

Sometimes, you have to carry more than your fair share of expenses. If so, do it with good grace. People can have the strangest attitudes to money, and if you're the one who mentions it, you will be regarded as the villain of the piece, even if you are entirely innocent. For example: six of you go out for lunch, and not being especially hungry, you just have a salad, while everyone else has three courses and wine to boot. When the bill arrives, someone divides the total by six. If you point out that you ate and drank less than anyone else, you'll never hear the end of it. If this only happens occasionally, pay your sixth, and smile. It's swings and roundabouts. One day, you'll be hungrier than everyone else, and you'll still only pay a sixth.

I know people who disagree violently with the foregoing, and insist that the bill be split exactly, down to the penny, according to who had what, every time. I would advise such people to relax and get over it.

The difficulty of equitable distribution of expenses becomes acute at Christmas. There is nothing worse than buying someone an expensive Christmas gift, only to receive a small, inexpensive gift in return. Unless, I suppose, it's the same situation in reverse.

Christmas has gone from being the season of goodwill to being the season of big bills. Since we are now in the teeth of the whole ugly business (I'm not a Christmas person), I thought I might offer a few tips on how to mitigate the financial horror that usually accompanies the weeks after the goodwill ends.

Oh no, I can hear the retailers saying, he's going to tell our customers not to buy presents. Wrong. I take the view that you should have exactly as much Christmas as you like. If you have kids, that's going to mean a lot of Christmas. If you're not a Christian, it might mean only a little.

Set yourself a limit for the Christmas spend. Take a few minutes to make a list of those to whom you wish to give a gift, and write down an amount, or a range, you'd like to spend. This is not monstrous behaviour. You already have vague limits in mind. You're not going to buy your boss a $10,000 gift, and you're almost certainly not going to buy your wife a $3 gift. (If that was your plan, consider how much a divorce would cost you.) Formalising the process is not being a cheapskate; it's common sense.

When you visit the stores, you will notice that they have suddenly become Santa's grottos, full of wonderful things. Try to restrain yourself from rushing around going: "One of those! Ooh, and three of these! And those. And those. And those."

You're going to spend more than you really want to at this time of the year, like it or not. And you're going to stay home for much of January, when the bills come in, like it or not. As usual, all I'm saying is: show a little restraint. One fewer this, one less that. The same thing applies to your diet, by the way, and as I've mentioned, saving money and losing weight require the same approach: being aware of what you're doing, and freeing yourself of the victim mentality. Take charge of your bank account and your waistline, and you'll feel better all round.

You're an adult, or soon will be. Well, most of you, anyway. Behave like an adult. Take charge of what you can, and gladly relinquish control of what you can't. It won't make much difference today or tomorrow, but as time goes by, you'll be healthier, wealthier and wise.

Soon, we'll be looking at your spending charts, using the little form that was published here a few weeks ago (and is available free from crombienorthrock.bm ). I know that's the last thing you want to do at Christmastime, and that's why we have to do it at Christmastime. Don't let it stop you having fun, though, if that's your bag. Life need not be simply a tidal wave washing you along in its wake. And if it is, all you have to do is learn to surf.