It is no secret that 50 percent of all relationships do not survive. Married or not, the process of establishing communication, trust and true commitment is not as easy one.

When you think about it, during this relationship you are baring your soul, so to speak, allowing another person into your innermost thoughts, and learning things about you that even your mother doesn't know.

How vulnerable does that make you become? Do you feel that you have lost just a tad of control? As a single person, you always made the choices to spend, no questions asked, no-one to answer to and off you went.

Suddenly, there are two of you, things are different, defining needs enters a negotiation process.

When respect enters the picture, the decision to spend or not spend, choose blue paint over grey, four-door car versus station wagon, two bedroom apartment versus studio, is easier, but not always.

When weighing scales of decision, factors such as disparities in earning power, inheritances on one side of the family, real estate owned by another side, a family member doling out support to one party, all tend to weigh rather heavily.

Don't even bring up the emotional side of trying to please various relatives. Whose turn is it to fly up to see granny? Whose turn is it to buy grampa's medication because he can't afford it? Whose turn is it to have everyone for Boxing Day?

Whether we like it or not, every day in every life, some decision has to be made about money. Combine that times two (no discussions about communal living allowed this time, besides it's no longer fashionable), and money becomes a bargaining chip, because it is one of the few ways to maintain personal control. What's mine is mine, yours is yours or better yet, yours is mine also.

While the truism has often been stated. "it's not about the money", in most cases, it really is.

Relationship feuds about money are caused by the inability to resolve differences in value systems and the betrayals of trust, the detritus usually happens later.

Often there may be more than one betrayal, sad to say, as the parties seek to inflict emotional pain. In some unresolvable situations, there may be total trust by one party and total exploitation on the other.

We have read about these types of cases, some blatantly exposed in the media, others known on a more personal basis. In fact, in the pure sense of the word, these are not relationships at all; they are sad commentaries on bad choices made by victims - the benefits being gained by predators and tricksters. Witness the young woman who marries into a family only to realise that she is the only one working, supporting the group while they spend her money as they slide her financial reputation onto the lowest scale, almost tantamount to credit fraud.

She, then decides to have, or is persuaded to have a child to improve the relationship. Ultimately, unable to abandon the child, she is destined to become in the very literal sense of the word, a "slave to love" and to her spouse's and family's insatiable needs. In one case I had in the United States, a very charming rogue had never bothered to inform his second (or his first) wife that he had a rather large outstanding tax liability balance with Internal Revenue Service.

It only came to light when my client, a successful business operator in her own right and who also stood to gain a significant inheritance, came to see me distraught that her income tax refund had been pre-empted. Upon consultation with wife number one, it appeared she faced the same problem; under IRS code, married couples filing a joint tax return are jointly and severally liable for all tax responsibilities.

The wives had a joint meeting of their own, the rogue got the proverbial boot, and they went to Tax Court for innocent spouse relief. His excuse, "I forgot". Victims are not always women, there are just as many elderly gentlemen (and some pretty young byes) preyed upon every year by the proverbial 'golddigger'.

She, too, will produce offspring, beloved by the husband, but representing pure leverage for her. She moves on after the credit cards are at the maximum and the gold is gone, generally taking the poor child with her, thereby, not only depriving the fellow of his money, but his future relationship with his family.

I have often heard client's state that "my honey will always take care of me". These comments are usually from wonderful positive people who motor along assuming life will always be very, very good. And in a perfect world, it is good.

However, they have no idea of their total financial picture, and when a rupture happens are absolutely devastated, in no emotional state to negotiate or plan to move forward.

Sometimes, the marriage ceremony has yet to take place; the couple cares deeply for each other. One of the two is financial well set, the other is not. In terribly unfair life events, the prosperous person dies prematurely, prior to the change in marital status. And there is the bereaved with little savings, little chance presently, to earn a meaningful living, out of luck. After the divorce, the management of your divorce settlement is crucial. In many cases, it is the largest amount of money that a divorced individual has ever seen at one time. And don't think that the new girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't know it. As a financial planner practitioner, I have seen the recently divorced blow the whole settlement (right after leaving the courthouse) on the new love', only to see he/she head for the nearest highway exit, literally, in the brand new expensive pickup truck. The most extreme of these situations, are the divorced ladies in their 60s, who were homemakers, and for whatever reason, did not upgrade their skills after children left home. When the settlement has been large, the homemaker who 'put him/her through college and contributed to his/her successful career' has sued successfully for a significant share of the careered individual's earnings and future pension.

But more commonly when neither party at this stage in their lives has significant assets, the settlements may be very small. While the gentlemen are able to survive, these ladies are, in many respects, one step away from welfare.

How many of these situations have happened in our own extended families, sometimes more than once? People make errors in judgment, mistakes in life choices. When total trust is given, but not reciprocated, these mistakes are deeply wounding.

In any event, we are not talking about the more radical cases. If the relationship collapses, here in Bermuda, and the decision is made to terminate, the formerly coupled face a daunting process which may take a minimum of two years, and substantially longer for acrimonious partings. Bermuda divorce law is grounded in English common law. One does not have the ability, as in the United States, to file a no-fault divorce, which in some states can be substantially completed in 30 days. While these articles try very hard to be gender neutral, I warn readers that it is hard to keep the divorce facts unbiased. English common law, by its very nature, favours the male in most divorce situations, as we shall see.

If you and your soon to be separated spouse have built a business together the ramifications of uncoupling the dual interests can be intense. In many small businesses, to save expenses, one partner may never have been paid compensation - and the accompanying Social Insurance, government pension, etc.

While this decision may have been appropriate for cash flow at that time, it has often had severe repercussions. At divorce decree time, contrary to prevailing thought, the assets have hardly ever been split equally, one spouse, generally the wife has received a less than equitable share of an equally owned labour of love (long ago that is). Nor were the courts moved by the fact that the wife and the wife's family supplied the contributing assets to the initial business.

So, in a series of articles over the next few months, we shall examine the financial issues of divorce: how, if you must, plan for divorce; how to define what you need in a settlement; what the differences may be between going to court, or mediation; what to do to stay grounded after the divorce; and how to make the settlement awarded to you bridge the gap to a new life. In intense times such as these everyone is very vulnerable. It is critical that you look to the future and take the time to plan out in detail just how you will gracefully exit this relationship.

Of course, in hindsight, the best thing for couples to do early in the relationship is to give each other the gift of literacy, education and professional support, so that each party has a financial presence and future equal parity. With this common goal, some marriages have actually been saved. That is my wish for everyone, in a perfect world, but realistically, we know that does not happen.

Martha Harris Myron CPA CFP(is a Bermudian Certified Financial Planner( (US) practitioner, with an NASD Series 7 licence, and United States tax experience. She is Education Director for the Financial Planning Association of Bermuda(FPAB and the 2001- The Bermudian Bermuda Gold Award for Best In Bermuda Investing Advice. The opinions in this column are the author's alone and are not endorsed by any organisation. Under no circumstances are the comments in this column to be taken as specific recommendations on the purchase or sale of securities or any other investment, nor as specific financial planning advice and recommendations.