SOME time ago, I wrote of the “Nigerian scam”, an unending series of e-mail attempts to extract people’s personal details so that their assets could be stolen. Just this week, a superb example of the genre surfaced, albeit having nothing to do with Nigeria.My cousin, an attorney, received the following e-mail out of the blue, from “St Anselm’s Church” in an English town identified as “Dart ford”. (There is a town called Dartford, but this wasn’t it. Interestingly enough, when you type “Dartford” into a Microsoft Word document, the spellchecker suggests “Dart ford” instead.)

“Greetings from St Anselm’s Church,” the e-mail started. “On behalf of the Trustees and Executors of the late British Prime (sic), Sir Edward Richard George Heath, KG, I once again try to notify you as our letter to you by the lawyer through the post were (sic) returned undelivered, hence I hereby attempt to reach you via your e-mail address.

“I wish to notify you that the late Sir Edward Heath made you a beneficiary to (sic) his will, he bequeathed the sum of Seven Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars Only (US$750,000.00), to you in the codicil and last testament to his will. This may sound very strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely popular traveled (sic) man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends here or abroad who wished you well.

“Sir Edward died in Salisbury, England, July 17, 2005 at the age of 89 years. He served in the Royal Artillery during World War II, rising to the rank of Colonel. He was elected to Parliament as a Conservative in 1950, and held several posts in the party whip’s office (1951-55), before becoming Government chief whip and parliamentary secretary to the treasury (1955-59), He was Minister of Labour (1959-60) and led the Tory Government as Prime Minister between 1970 and 1974.

“The late Sir Edward Heath until death was a real gentle man (sic); a very dedicated Christian who loved to give out his support to the Church here in England is very fresh in our memories. Quoting former Labour Chancellor Roy Jenkins, a friend of Sir Edward, Mr. Tony Blair added: ‘He was a great lighthouse which stands there flashing out beams of light, indifferent to the waves which beat against him.’

“Please if I reach you as I am hopeful; endeavour to get back to me as soon as possible to enable the lawyer executing the will, conclude his job, you forward your most current telephone and fax numbers including your mailing address and reconfirm your direct postal address.

“Yours sincerely in the Risen Lord,

“Fr. William J. Scanlan”

A list of “Mass Times” follows.

My cousin has never met Mr. Heath. I took a look at the website address given, and found it includes photos of some clerics but nothing else. The only part of the e-mail that seemed genuine is Tony Blair’s incoherence.

How can you tell if these things are rip-offs? In short, they all are. People don’t leave massive bequests to strangers, and British priests don’t write gibberish (mostly). If you receive any communication with a g-mail address that sounds “very strange and unbelievable to you”, delete it immediately.

Full marks for trying, though. The sad part of this story is how many people fall for these scams. The New Yorker, about a year ago, ran a story of an otherwise sensible fellow who bankrupted himself trying to secure a supposed bequest similar to the one above. * * *THE reverse mortgage story debated here at length in the past few weeks will continue in due course. This week, I bumped into Rodney Smith, who, with Dale Butler, is promoting the idea here in Bermuda. Mr. Smith was kind enough to give me a DVD on reverse mortgages. I shall watch it and report back.On that subject, here is a letter received a couple of weeks ago.

“I didn’t climb all over you for your initial foray into reverse mortgages, as you were obviously misinformed/misguided. Then I recalled, (as far as I can remember) you don’t own a house, and after what the ‘system’ put you through regards your inheritance, I can understand where you were coming from.

“But home ownership is one of the most desirable aspirations one can have. My house is worth closer to $2 million than one and I owe a paltry $120,000. It’s only up that high because I bought a car (paid for) and a yacht. Being just short of being eligible for free public transportation, I refuse to be uncomfortable.

“The hours I’ve worked for the jackass wages I was paid, damn right I was going to get a reverse mortgage! I live in a small lower apartment and rent the three-bedroom unit above it to tourists; sometimes it’s empty. When Col. Burch hinted that ‘empty’ houses could be (forcibly) earmarked for the homeless, I fired off a letter to the Editor to put all and sundry on notice that if you want to live here, ‘ya gotta have some money’.

“All that to say this: deeds in a vault somewhere are useless. I’ve seen Bermudians take literally years building a house to avoid going into debt. By the time they finished, I doubt they were young enough to have any fun. Although I built my house on a shoestring, it was big enough and affordable. All I did was the cosmetics.

“I’ve had fun, worked two jobs, raised a family and now I work a little, sleep as late as I want, and take a trip to boot. So compare that to someone with just a lot of saved-up cash. The interest rate sucks for a start, and it takes a lot of discipline not to dip into it.

“Notwithstanding, home ownership here will never happen for a lot of folk. (If that applies to you,) buy a nice house anywhere in the world! If you’re young enough, buy ANY house ANYWHERE in this country. I’ve been preaching that to my friends and now I’m preaching it to their children. The story I always hear is ‘I don’t want to live down there’. How stupid can you get?

“These young whippersnappers don’t know how much (now exclusive) property was stolen from their ancestors. They even tried it on me when my father’s will was probated — and didn’t it occur to you that there had to be a reason for the crap they put you through? The effort of owning a house will separate the men from the boys. It takes real ‘stones’ to come out on the end.

“Look at the present situation. There are now ads for land in Nova Scotia. What Bermie would want to live in Nova Scotia? I’m not leaving my country to make room for two more layabouts to step off the plane! Sure, I’ll spend winters further south, but when daylight saving kicks in, I’m coming back!”