Will it be revitalisation or "get a life" or get lost (a divorce)! This could well be how some couples will end up trying to handling the changes in their relationship when they began the process of retirement.

Retirement is portrayed everywhere by everyone, it seems, as the perfect end to a perfect life, settling in a deck chair watching that sunset with the perfect older body, perfect hair, perfect skin and a perfectly controlled relationship, albeit with a few prescription enhancers along the way.

How could the expectations be portrayed as anything less than perfect when there are trillions of retiree dollars in economic activities such as from fractional share purchases, second homes, round the world trips, riding on this feel-good scenario?

Ordinary people know that there is no such thing as the perfect life. We know that it is a daily challenge to manage our own moods, control our appetites, our finances, and our relationships.

Financial media and salespeople tend to focus on the having-enough-money thing because is a source of retiree anxiety. Let us not under estimate the fact that it is also the source of a huge, exponentially growing, investment industry. Money concerns, however, are not the largest source of anxiety for impending retirees.

The real crux of the matter, that frankly almost no one wants to admit (except me), is the fear of loss of identity and self-esteem as you age. From my many years of retirement planning, here is some feedback from composite clients:

1. When I leave my job, will I still count? Statistically, men do not handle retirement as well given that their entire identity has been linked to achievements in their working career; take that away and it is like being cut off at the knees. Denial is often a way to handle the whole thing, and until our generation of Baby Boomers, most men opted out Why? They very conveniently died - some shortly after receiving the golden handshake and the gold watch - which was promptly passed down to the oldest dearest son or equivalent.

Anecdotes are common of cases about men in the last generation: being pensioned off; trying to return to the job they held for 40 years only to be told they aren't wanted, lasting two weeks at home, and then retiring to the pub permanently until they pass on.

2. We aren't happy with who we are now. None of us is getting any younger, our looks have changed, we've gotten balder, a bit more wrinkled, a bit wider, and a bit less athletic - in some cases, much less mobile.

None of us will have the perfect body, perfect attire, and perfect lifestyle as we reach retirement age, no matter the surgeon's skills, healthful regimen, exercise mania, or prescriptive measures. These physical attribute changes may not have mattered as much - in the workforce, where you are judged by what you can produce, what you know, not how you look.

If there is no intellectual involvement as well as peace within one's soul about where you have ended up, no amount of money is going to make you a fun partner in the last quarter (or third) of your life.

3. Will our relationship be different? He/she doesn't want to do anything. Twenty-four hours a day with same person who you only see four hours a day now.

They may not be the person you knew from years ago. Relationships with spouses or partners can change over time. If the thought of 20 - 30 more years is not exactly thrilling, you have a distinct problem. There are those reading this now who are thinking, we do not have that problem. Wonderful for you, but one can't help but notice couples who are obviously retired, looking obviously unhappy.

4. Loss of control. What it means for me is giving up personal control of my space, my money, (and my personal time). He wants to retire - I don't. She wants to, but I want to start another business. Women are gearing up, guys are slowing down, said Gail Sheehy of "New Passages." He, happy sitting for hours in front of the TV relaxing, or golfing after years and years of hitting the proverbial time clock.

She is just hitting stride intellectually and emotionally, after years of sublimating her interests for those of the children, parents, in-laws and everyone else.

She finally feels great earning a paycheck, wearing career clothes, having someone listen to her who thinks that her ideas are credible, and can help the company turn a profit.

Is there any hope for these standoffs without that outside reinforcement? Will you and your partner be able to support each other emotionally and physically, to continue to be all that you can be?

5. We don't handle our finances well now, how on earth will we do later? Currently, I keep my money separate from his. We each pay 50% of the bills. I don't ask about his money and he knows better than to give me a hard time about mine. I'm a spender, he is a miser. I think that we only have a few good years left, we should do some of the things we always wanted to do. He wants to hoard every penny - so that the children will have something. If you could see their lifestyles now, they certainly don't need us to help them along the path of total indulgence. Does all this sound familiar?

6. Social paralysis. We are afraid that our friends who are still working won't be interested in us. There is an uncomfortable gap, as wide as the ocean in some cases, between those who fully retire out of civilisation and those that remain actively involved. Becoming invisible is a very big fear.

Personally, I don't think anyone should retire completely, whether it is by taking up the full-time pursuit of photography or other hobbies (which may end up commanding respect and cash compensation) volunteering or consulting part-time, everyone needs a purpose in life. Our wisdom and life experiences are irreplaceable in our high-tech world.

Thus, the biggest priority for those near retirement is to start now in structuring your relationship for serenity, compatibility and fulfillment in the golden years.

Are you ready for a retirement relationship quiz? Stay tuned next week.

Martha Harris Myron CPA CFP® is a Wealth Manager at Argus Financial Limited. She specialises in investment advisory services with objective comprehensive financial solutions for private clients planning for retirement and lifestyle transitions. DirectLine: 294 5709 Confidential email can be directed to marthamyron@northrock.bm

The article expresses the opinion of the author alone. Under no circumstances is the content of this article to be taken as specific individual investment advice, nor as a recommendation to buy/ sell any investment product. The Editor of the Royal Gazette has final right of approval over headlines, content, and length/brevity of article.