best of intentions: To help men define their roles in a changing world. John Burchall tells what he found.

I joined more than 200 men at the Bermuda Gathering of Men 2000 on October 14.

For once it felt good to share a space with other men where I did not feel the need to compete. The air was pregnant with expectancy as the assembly took their seats. Elders and teenagers, fathers and sons, gay and straight, politicians and preachers were all there.

The opportunity to be a part of a gathering such as this was a tremendous one.

It represented a seismic shift because its emphasis was going to be on issues peculiar, and personal, to men.

And in many ways this was the promise. Men were encouraged to share from the heart, to actively listen to each other, to claim our "stuff'' and to disagree without being disagreeable.

Adeyemi Bandele, husband of author and empowerment specialist Iyanla Vanzant, Rev. Cochise Brown and Dr. Akmal Muwwakkil, were the overseas presenters.

Immediately, I was ill at ease because I thought that I was going to spend the day passively listening to speeches but when Bandele made it clear that the speakers were not going to spend the day "talking at us'', I relaxed.

I came to the conference seeking help more than answers. My difficulty is that my notions about manhood, gleaned in no large part from the examples set by my grandfather, my father and the men in our family, collided with the expectations and roles expected of me as a husband and father today.

For my grandfather, to be a man meant to be a leader in public life, a provider and a patriarch at home. He was the undisputed and unchallenged king of the castle and the head of the household. In his world the roles were clearly defined. Men dominated the public sphere and the domestic sphere belonged to the women.

That is not the case today. Women are working inside and outside the home in greater numbers and in many cases they are out-earning their spouses and boyfriends. This has seriously undermined the male role of provider.

Similarly, male physical strength is no longer relevant in this, the age of the computer. With all the extraordinary leaps in reproductive technology, men are no longer even needed for procreation. Women can do without men and many are choosing to do so in greater numbers.

Consequently, the roles that made my grandfather secure -- that of provider, protector and patriarch -- are dead. The world of work and career no longer define what it means to be a man. And modern women, unlike my grandmother, are no longer content to stay at home and raise children exclusively.

So I went to the Sonesta Beach Hotel on a crusade. I was not looking for answers per se. I wanted to hear of other men's struggles as they try to balance the competing demands of career and children, housework and homework in families where both parents have professions.

It was clear when we broke down into small groups that there were a lot of other concerns that were near and dear to the other men. One white man who came from Austria but had married a black Bermudian woman and settled here, said that he wanted to get over his fear of black men. He also wanted to find ways to ensure greater harmony across the colour line.

One young teen wanted to reach out to his own father whom he perceived gave more attention to his sister. Other men were angry at their own fathers and wanted help with those issues. Many others were divorced and carried great pain because now they were reduced by the courts to the status of a weekend visitor instead of an involved father.

Sadly, those issues were not explored in any thorough way. As the momentum started to build during the morning session, we took a lunch break. For many of us we looked forward to the opportunity to come back and delve deeper into our selves and our issues.

Unfortunately, the afternoon session killed off any hope of that occurring. We returned at 1.30 p.m. with full stomachs and Rev. Brown began what can only be described as a New Age flight of fancy. The lights were dimmed and we lay on the ground on our backs in the presence of candles and soothing music. In no time the sound of loud snores punctuated Rev. Brown's oratory as many a man took the chance to catch a nap! By the time Dr. Muwwakkil addressed us about health issues relevant to men the momentum was lost forever. We had become passive assessors of information. The mask was firmly back in place. An opportunity for deep, self-reflection had been lost.

Of all the presenters, Bandele was by far the most proficient. Had the day been spent just with his probing questions, and feedback and personal stories from the men, so much more could have been achieved.

So much of our self-esteem as men is tied to what we do outside the home in our careers or in political activity that changes society. Unfortunately, the time spent in such pursuits means that our personal relationships and children suffer.

Society has changed and so have the roles between the genders but a major stumbling block for men in Bermuda and in other parts of the world, has been the old ideas about the roles of men and women as enunciated in books like the Bible and the Holy Qu'ran.

This was very much in evidence at the conference and this is perhaps its greatest failing. The Bible and the Holy Qu'ran are books written a long time ago for a world that was far different. They contain all the prejudices of that period. The idea of wives submitting to their husbands is a fantasy of a bygone era. The Bible is full of fathers but one would be hard pressed to find a good example on which to pattern one's life. Adam, Noah, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Saul and David all demonstrated sizable failings in their respective roles as fathers.

Even God himself, the "perfect father'', sent his own son to earth to die leading Jesus to cry out Father, Father why has thou forsaken me on the cross! If Bermudian men are going to ever start our march towards greater wholeness so that we can be better fathers, husbands and sons we have to jettison the old ideas. We need to champion changes in the workplace that give us greater flexibility so that we can spend more time with our children.

The most cruel irony is that it is men in the main who have set things up in this way. The ethos that governs the entrepreneurial, capitalistic economy was set in motion by men and it is we who must change it if we are serious about creating a happy balance between the needs of a happy home and a successful career.

The Bermuda Gathering of Men 2000 was a start, but if it is going to move forward and be a vehicle that guides men to be effective parents, healthy employees and contributors to society, it must look in upon itself and embrace the changes that have occurred in the last 30 years in the roles between men and women. To do otherwise would be foolhardy.

John Burchall is the senior writer for Crown Communications, publisher of RG Magazine and Bottom Line. He is married and has two daughters.