Women -- or men -- suffering abusive relationships were offered a ray of hope during a noontime lecture honouring Domestic Violence Observance Day.

Education Officer Judith Lightbourne-Bartley shared a horror story of verbal and physical abuse that struck a chord with many members of the audience.

Almost 70 people, primarily women, attended the talk sponsored by the Physical Abuse Centre yesterday at the Bermuda Industrial Union.

Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley told the audience her six-year marriage ended more than 15 years ago -- and she still carries the physical and emotional scars of the experience.

But she encouraged victims to tap into their own inner strengths to break the cycle of abuse.

"I wanted to tell my story so you can see the pitfalls and some of the traps I fell into,'' she said.

Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said her family was initially very close-knit and loving -- until her ex-husband became involved with drugs.

She stated: "Soon after becoming involved with drugs, the verbal abuse began -- and I could do absolutely nothing right.

"I asked him to go to marriage counselling, but he said Bermuda was too small and he didn't want people in his business -- so eventually I went by myself.

"He became more and more verbally abusive...one day I got in his face, and the next thing I knew I was on the floor.'' Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley talked about the shame of masking her black eye and how guilty she felt when she eventually put her ex-husband out the house.

"He'd come back and see me periodically...he told me graphic details of every single thing he did with every single woman, but I was grateful he came back and got rid of some of my guilt for putting him out the house.

"He told me he would kill me. ..and conceal my body. But people I trusted said it was my fault, and there was my own shame, embarrassment, and denial to deal with.

Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said the abuse culminated on Christmas Day 1983, when her ex-husband picked up a television and threw it across the room.

She said the beating began when her ex-husband took off his leather belt and broke it on her -- cutting through her lip and ruining a tooth.

"I could've been killed...I still don't know what was done to me that night,'' she said.

"But when I regained consciousness two hours later, my family had to make a decision whether to take me to King Edward or St. Brendan's.'' Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said she had to go to the Police station so they could take pictures of her injuries -- and was forced to strip in front of male officers since there were no female officers on duty.

And she said her ex-husband got only a slap on the wrist -- a 12-month conditional discharge -- when the case went to court.

"I decided to go to school...I had not a penny to my name and two young children, and got my Bachelor's, Master's and Ph.D. in seven years,'' she said amid applause from the audience.

"Now I know that the strength you see me with now was there all along -- there was something sick and depraved about me at that time because I `hung in there'.

"I allowed myself to be a victim -- it was my choice,'' she added.

Dr. Judith Lightbourne- Bartley- Graphic file name: BARTZ HEALTH HTH