As forecast in this column recently, the Payments Council Board in the UK has set a target date of October 31, 2018 to close the central cheque clearing system. Cheques will no longer be processed after that date.

The board's logic is that cheque use has been in decline since 1990. The first cheque was written on February 16, 1659, so the decision will bring to an end a system that has worked well for almost 360 years.

The decision was taken by the Government board with indecent haste after some British banks had to be bailed out and were taken over by the Government a few months ago. The Council said that over the next nine years it would seek to promote and explain existing alternatives; and, where innovation and new options are required, to ensure that they are put in place.

The Council said that the payments industry has to rise to the challenge of finding easy-to-use efficient alternatives for these payments and to ensure that they are easily accessible and well understood by cheque users. The goal is to ensure that by 2018 there is no scenario where customers, be they individuals or businesses, still need to use a cheque.

Mercifully, the Council has no clout in Bermuda, although there is no doubt that Bermuda banks would be ecstatic if the use of cheques were to be banned. Processing cheque payments costs vastly more than processing electronic payments.

The obvious flaw in the Council's thinking is that Internet services are as poor in the UK as they are in Bermuda. Just sending an e-mail is often impossible in either place, let alone trying to wrestle with suppliers' online payment systems. I wrote recently of how British Telecom took 17 days to hook me up after unilaterally terminating my UK Internet in error. That's 17 days I'd have been unable to pay my bills under the new system.

Cash will, of course, make a comeback once cheques are outlawed. Only by keeping large reserves of cash might one be able to avoid the worst of the consequences of not paying one's bills on time.

With stunning cynicism, the chief executive of the Payments Council, Paul Smee, said: "We aim to be very transparent and we will continue to consult fully with all interested parties." Har har: the public was not consulted on the decision.

Charities expect to lose half their funding as a result of the ruling. Age Concern and Help the Aged said that many older people rely on cheques as their main form of payment and will be very worried about how they will manage if they are withdrawn.

Stephen Alambritis, head of public affairs at the Federation of Small Businesses, said: "Cheques are vital to the way many people and organisations operate. With over four million cheques written each day, many small businesses will be disadvantaged if banks decide to scrap the cheque and there could be a big knock-on effect on the economy."

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Coming soon to a Hamilton near you:

"Vere are your papers, you Englischer schweinhund?" the Policeman asked.

"I don't read a paper since the Government drove the Gazette out of business," the Englishman replied.

"Your identity card, hateful expatriate!" the officer barked.

The foreigner, who was the CEO of a large insurance company, checked his pockets. "I don't seem to have it with me," he said. "My secretary will know where it is."

"Come viz me!" the officer shrieked.

"Must I?" the executive asked.

"Genug!" cried the officer. "Resisting arrest! You'll get 10 years for ziss."

* * *

On a related note, the news that failing to be charming to Customs officers now means being thrown in jail is a seriously backward step. The offence is "obstructing a Customs officer". If the threshold is what I think it is, I've committed this crime quite often, back in the day when the only punishment was to spend another four hours at the airport while your bags were re-searched. I won't do it again, though. I'm not going to speak one word to the Customs people as they do their best to make me miss my dinner, lest I say the wrong word.

Here's how it works now. You say something like "Isn't this a bit of a waste of time?" The Customs officer lowers his or her hands and stops work. This is a signal for a senior official and a phalanx of bodyguards, hiding behind the one-way glass, to spring into action.

Until now, it has been possible to discuss the matter with Customs officials. Under the new system, of course, the official will come out with the security men and bounce the traveller around a bit before transferring him or her to the West End. Since the Courts will always take the word of a uniformed officer over a citizen without hesitation, travellers will automatically receive the punishment mandated by law.

As I've mentioned, the rules under which Customs officers labour at the airport are so ill-conceived that objecting to them is almost one's civic duty. If I have to go to jail each time a Customs officer feels slighted, I might do better to sub-let my apartment and live permanently at the West End Hotel.

Funny, isn't it? Law and order has collapsed, people are being murdered, but the main thrust of the legislature is to arrest those who find Customs' procedures pointless, and to issue ID cards to expatriates. That will certainly trim the murder rate.

As a younger man, I watched older folk experience great difficulty and frustration with the inanities of daily life. I planned to be different when I became aged, not to let petty nonsense interfere with my enjoyment of life. This week's news, of no chequing but constant checking, makes me realise that I, too, am becoming just as disillusioned with modern life as did those whom I used to watch and pity ...

...which is the perfect note on which to wish you a Merry Christmas.