Question: I’m writing about my five-year-old daughter. She’s been “shy” since she was very young, crying whenever anyone but my husband or I hold her. She’s starting to warm up to her extended family members, but still has a very difficult time in social situations with her peers and doesn’t speak to other adults at all. She won’t allow me to leave her; and if we’re in public and I’m more than a few feet away, she panics. She doesn’t want to respond when people talk to her. She’s not comfortable when other people touch her and refuses to engage in games where touching is involved.To complicate matters, she also has Type-1 diabetes; so there are some situations where people almost have to force themselves on her to check her out physically. This is very stressful for our whole family, though it seems to be easing a bit. I’ve worried some about autism. How do I approach a doctor about this without damaging her poor little psyche further?Answer: While we know that children are born with different temperaments, we also know that fully half of all children who are born shy reverse or improve their behaviours to become more social. Thus, family and school environments can impact children’s behaviours.One of the most powerful tools for helping children reverse their shyness is the adult talk they hear about them. For example, think of how many hundreds, or perhaps thousands, of times your daughter has heard adults say she’s shy. Her persona, or the way she presents herself to other people, has become one of shyness. The more she hears about how shy she is, the more difficult it feels for her to be anything else.

You and close family members can change her persona, gradually, over time, by commenting to other adults within her hearing that, given a little time, she’s very friendly. When you see her interacting with friends reasonably well, you can comment to her father that evening, again within her hearing, that she’s getting friendlier all the time. You can alert her teacher to your efforts, so she can join in and comment on improved social skills.

As to her physical sensitivity, be sure you and her dad manage to continue hugs with her. Also consider having her visit with an occupational therapist. They have some excellent techniques for helping children to become more comfortable with being touched.

The fact that you’ve noticed improvement in your daughter is a good sign. If these changes don’t seem to be helping your daughter with her independence and social skills, an evaluation by a psychologist will help you to determine if she has some form of high functioning autism like Asperger’s Disorder. Be sure to request that your first session with the counsellor be for parents alone, without your daughter present. In that way, you can voice your observations without fearing that they’ll have a negative impact on your daughter. Counsellors often lead small social-skills groups, which could be helpful to your daughter.For free newsletters about referential speaking, or developing social skills, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimm[AT]sylviarimm.com.