Dear Annie: A few years ago, my father-in-law suffered a stroke and then a heart attack. Dad has always been on the vulgar side, but now it’s become extreme. In his spare time, Dad makes up “books” with pictures of women he cuts out of the newspaper, with inappropriate notations about their body parts or descriptions of what he’d like to do with them sexually. It makes my stomach turn.We have six children. Whenever we visit, Dad sends these little picture books home with us. I’ve told him I don’t want this junk, and he just laughs it off. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are appalled, too, but if we argue with him, he throws a tantrum and starts screaming, and we’re all afraid he’ll have another heart attack.

My husband accepts the books, says nothing, then tosses them in the garbage. I’d like him to confront his father, but he won’t. Annie, I don’t want this filth in our home. What should I do? — Fed Up Momm>Dear Fed Up: Many people who suffer strokes undergo personality changes or behave in extremely inappropriate ways. We suspect this may have happened with your father-in-law. This does not make his behaviour acceptable, but it might help you be less angry. When he hands you these books, say very calmly, “This is not suitable material for our family”. Then toss theB>

Dear Annie: <$>Last November, I returned home to visit my ailing mother. I noticed her medications were scattered, outdated food was in her pantry, and her oxygen tubing covered the living room area. In a loving manner, I took great pains to toss out food and organise meds, telling my mom we needed to move her oxygen concentrator so no one would trip over the tubing and risk injury.Here is my dilemma. I have four siblings, and two sisters live near Mom. They told me my visit stressed them out too much, and they now refuse to speak to me. I did not receive a birthday card, a Christmas card or any acknowledgement of the Christmas packages I sent. Mom passed away in December, and I was unable to attend her funeral because of the expense, not just for transportation, but because those two sisters told me I would have to stay in a hotel. Meanwhile, my other out-of-town siblings and their families were completely welcomed and stayed in my sisters’ homes. I have worked in health care all my life and just wanted Mom to be in a safe environment. I was not passing judgment. — Crying in CamarilloEven though you didn’t intend to judge your sisters, when you cleaned up Mom’s home, it was interpreted as criticism, and their rejection of you is motivated by guilt and resentment. It’s easier to step into a situation when you aren’t living with it 24/7, and perhaps if you expressed your appreciation to your sisters for the daily care they gave Mom, it would assuage their bruised feelings.

Dear Ann <$>I have a suggestion for “Just a Grandma”, whose granddaughter, “Fiona”, acted up in a restaurant. Very young children often get out of control when they are tired or there is a long wait with nothing to do. My children grew up to have lovely manners, but there were many restaurants that we left either because the wait was too long, or we tried to eat at a non-child- friendly time. If Grandma wants to help Fiona with manners, playing tea party with her is a good way to start. I also recommend a “waiting bag”, which can be packed with small distractions and kept in the trunk of the car. —ex<$>

Dear Alex: Great suggestions. With kids, it helps to plan ahead.