Dear Annie: What happens when it's the husband who has no interest in sex? I am 38. "Marty" is 45. Both of us are attractive and in shape, and we've been married for five years. It has been almost two years without any intimacy, and prior to that, sex would occur only every six to eight months, and it didn't include any affection, kissing, foreplay or romance.

Marty refuses to address the problem or see a therapist. We do not have any significant outside stressors. Our finances are fine, there are no family crises, no career concerns, no children in the way. When Marty's father died two years ago, it made the situation worse, but it was hardly good before that. I think Marty had a one-night stand back then, but I don't have any proof other than my intuition. He also has been to business seminars which I am not allowed to attend because I "won't like the women there because of how well they dress". Annie, I may not be a fashion diva, but I certainly take my appearance seriously.

This is ruining my self-esteem and self-confidence. I am seeing a counsellor and have a wonderfully supportive women's church group. But I am seriously considering leaving the marriage. Marty refuses to recognise what his behavior is doing to our lives. I have asked what I am doing wrong, and he says he doesn't know.

What is the next step? My husband loves me and I love him, but I cannot continue with this kind of loneliness. Almost Having It All in New York

Dear New York: It's possible Marty is asexual, or gay, or having a series of affairs. Either way, he needs to address the issue so you can decide if you want to stay with him. Tell Marty if he wants to remain married to you, he must come with you for counseling. If he refuses, ask your counsellor for specific guidance. If your counsellor isn't helping, find another. You need to get out of this limbo.

Dear Annie: Recently, I found a handwritten invitation to a bridal shower attached to my front door. It was for "Gladys", a girl I've never heard of. The invitation stated that although I might not know Gladys, she lived in the neighbourhood with her mother, "Matilda", and attending the shower would allow me to meet both mother and daughter. I am not acquainted with Matilda, either. The invitation included names of two expensive stores where the bride had registered.

I tracked down the shower hostess, a woman I know only by sight, and told her I would be unable to attend. I did not purchase a gift. I always thought showers should be limited to friends, family and possibly close co-workers. What is the etiquette for inviting perfect strangers? Must Be Living Under a Rock

Dear Living: There is no etiquette, because it is not appropriate to invite strangers to showers. If Matilda and Gladys want to get to know their neighbors, they can invite them over for a barbecue.

Dear Annie: This is for "Losing Sleep," whose husband, a trucker, has a collection of women's lingerie that he says he found on the road. You said he could be cheating, but more likely, he's a cross-dresser. "Losing" should check to see if the lingerie could be his size.

I am a cross-dresser, very straight and would never cheat on my wife. I thought my secret was safe until one day my wife handed me a package and said she was going shopping for four hours. Inside was a pink teddy with a note saying she didn't care what I did to relax as long as I did it when she wasn't around. Since that time, our marriage has been a lot better, I'm not hiding anything, I have time to relax and I get great gifts from my wife. Happy in New York

Dear Happy: You have a loving and understanding wife, and we hope you let her know how much you appreciate her.