A 16-year-old homosexual high school student recently spoke to about his life as a gay youth in Bermuda and the string of events that led him to his becoming gay.

?John?, not his real name, was first molested when he was seven years old at the hands of older boys in their teens. John said that took place regularly for three years ending when he was nine.

At that point in his life John said that he did not enjoy it and was always afraid and feeling vulnerable.

?I felt so violated,? he said. His father found out about what he was doing and John told him what had happened to him. Because his mother was living abroad at the time she did not know until his father told her the news.

It took years of counselling before John really opened up to anyone about his ordeal.

He recalled going to several different counsellors and the unsuccessful attempts that his parents tried to talk about it with him. While John admits that he has come to terms with his traumatic experience he says that it is what made him who he is today.

Had the first attack never taken place John figures that he may have never looked at another male in a sexual way.

?That was the strongest factor in my decision for becoming homosexual,? he admitted.

At 11, he felt himself looking at his male friends differently and becoming more attracted to men. He admitted that when he felt this way it led him to a stage of sexual promiscuity.

?I just started to sleep around with a lot of different girls,? he said. ?I was trying to make myself straight, you know, I wanted to deny my homosexual feelings.

?I was confused about my sexuality and I didn?t know if I was gay or straight,? he said.

When John decided that he could not deny his feelings any longer he told one of his close friends, another homosexual that he too was gay.

?I was 13 when I came out to him,? he said but admitted that it took another two years until he was completely out of the closet.

?When I finally came out, I lost a lot of friends, but I also gained some,? he said. ?I was afraid to tell my father because I knew it would hurt him, emotionally and mentally.

But when we got into an argument one night and he hit me, I was so angry that I told him out of spite.?

John says that although his father is now accepting his preference, his mother is finding it hard.

?There are still some people who don?t know how I am, like a lot of people at my church,? he said.

John admitted that he is an active member of his church and his partner attends the same church occasionally, partaking in the Sunday school activities. Although he is a part of his church, he admitted leading a very ?wild? life when he feels he is not in the public eye. Through his lifestyle he was introduced to partying, drinking and the side his church would frown on.

?There are so many closet gays that you find out about,? he said.

?I met a lot of older guys and girls who were also gay. I?ve been offered gifts by married men looking for a gay affair, men who are respected in the community.?

Before John embraced his homosexuality he said he had been clubbing, but he added that he never felt truly at ease until he started partying with other gays.

And John said he was surprised at just how many homosexuals were around. Admitting too that although there was some shock it also gave him a sense of belonging.

?I never realised how many homosexuals there were in Bermuda until I came out of the closet.?

John admitted that he is promiscuous and said he does unhealthy things around his friends. According to John, the gay community in Bermuda is growing.

?I do not regret my decisions,? he said but admitted that it is very hard when everyone is constantly judging him.

John said that since coming ?out of the closet? there have been several changes in his life, ?a lot of my friends and I are not as close. It?s a whole other life when you come out.?