Most parents want to raise their children to be responsible, caring members of society. In order to attain that end, they must sooner or later use some form of discipline. The question of what constitutes appropriate childhood discipline is the subject of widespread debate among educators, parents, doctors, and society as a whole. The parent as implementer is often caught in the middle. Spare the rod and spoil the child? Or indulge the child with unending kindness and patience so as not to damage the psyche?

Experts tend to agree that physical punishment is harmful to the child and, moreover, does not accomplish its apparent objectives. A better course of action, they say, is to use physical reinforcement, rather than punishment. Physical reinforcement may mean hold a child back from something, or physically moving the child one place to another, but it never means striking or shaking the child.

Experts also agree that rewards can be just as fruitless a method of discipline as physical punishment. Constantly rewarding a child for good behaviour simply establishes in the child's mind a belief that she or he need not behave unless something specific is offered in return - something the child desires more than misbehaving. As time goes on, the rewards a child demands for behaving properly can become quite unrealistic.

Being overly tolerant of the desires and behaviours of the child also may have its pitfalls. Many children who get every thing they want, contrary to being happy, tend to exhibit feelings of dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation for their fortunate position. Though they do not always act as if this were true, children do not feel comfortable with more power than they are capable of handling. Those who wield too much power over their parents experience anxiety because they know they are out of their depth. They often wish their parents would take over.

Understanding the Reasoning Behind Actions

Even though all parents at some time or another face discipline problems, why do some parents successfully manage a problem where others seem to fail?

Children do not reason differently from adults. They simply lack sufficient data. To find their place in a world in which they arrive as completely helpless infants, children must observe what goes on and draw conclusions as to who they are, what they can do, and what the rules are for getting along. Very often children draw the wrong conclusions; although marvellous observers, they tend to be poor interpreters.

Various kinds of misbehaviour often represent a wrong idea on the part of the child as to how she or he can best find a place in the scheme of things - how he or she can belong. When parents understand the reasons behind children's misbehaviour, there is a basis for remedial action. However, understanding the causes of misbehaviour is not in and of itself a solution to the problem. Firm steps and concrete action are necessary in order to turn parents' wishes into realities.

When Parents Talk with Their Children

Beyond using certain emphatic, precise words in the imperative sense, it is crucial that parents say things in unambiguous terms. The child must know that his or her parents really mean what they are saying - that they are not asking the child to do something; that they are not merely wishing that the child do something as they are not telling the child to learn, try, or understand something. Rather, the child must know that the parents are saying that the child do (or not do) something specific.

To convey urgent meaning, parents may have to play the villain and even use an emphatic tone: "Get down off that roof! " "Get out of the street now! " But what about all those warnings that it is not good parenting to demand things of children in an angry tone? By trying to remain calm, the parent could be sending a message that is less than imperative - just another statement without any real potency. In that case, the child tends to think she or he can probably get away with not doing what the parent wishes, and then the parent (who did not want to get angry) ends up losing his or her temper anyway.

That doesn't mean all demands of children need to be made in a stern tone of voice. Circumstances differ, and different approaches have to be taken with different children at different times. Most often, a firm tone and a serious look will effectively indicate to the child that the parents' message is one that is meant earnestly.

Yes it is hard work. It is, therefore, essential to establish priorities in using such an approach only for those behaviours that are most in need of change. The child should know that his or her parents can require certain behaviours but that certain other behaviours are the prerogative of the child. In that way, children learn what their parents value as important - that there are certain things the parents believe they need to decide for their children, and that there are also some things about which they believe their children have the ability and maturity to make independent decisions.

The Child's Freedom of Choice Versus Parental Choice

Every child - every human being - needs and wants to exercise her or his own individuality and autonomy. Parents can decide what areas are comfortably left to the child's freedom of choice and what areas are subject to parental discretion. To try to control every aspect of the child's life not only smothers the child's sense of worth, but it also causes the parents to waste time and effort on things that are not really essential.

In disciplining children, parents need to maintain consistency of thought and action. It is confusing and unfair to tell children they can't have dessert because they didn't eat their vegetables, and then give them dessert anyway to stop the fussing. It is also inconsistent to demand with equal force that a child stop playing with matches and that he or she stop picking on younger brother or sister.

Parents: Know Yourselves

Children have a great need for parents who are sure of their own values and who are willing to back them up. Of course, children also need to know that they are worthwhile and loveable to their parents and to others. Given sufficient acceptance and appreciation by their parents, they can be amply prepared to face the competition awaiting them in the adult world.

While it is important that children develop a sense of self-worth based on the fact of their unique existence, the task of instilling such a degree of self-acceptance and appreciation by their parents, they can be amply prepared to face the competition awaiting them in the adult world.

While it is important that children develop a sense of self-worth based on the fact of their unique existence, the task of instilling such a degree of self-acceptance is not easy. When combining with the need to limit the child's behaviours in many areas, the task becomes even more difficult.

We should all remember that although the rewards of successful parenting are great, they are not assured. Parents can dream of a better life for their children, and they may see those dreams fade. They can strive for perfection in themselves and in their children, and that perfection may not be achieved. To abandon the dreams, however, is to admit defeat before the task is even undertaken. To be human is, by definition, to fall somewhat short of perfection - and we should make a point of viewing ourselves on the human scale.

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The Bermuda registered charity, P.A.R.E.N.T.S./Parents Anonymous of Bermuda is a member agency of the Family Resource Network Charitable Trust, together with The Physical Abuse Centre, The Coalition for the Protection of Children and The Father's Resource Centre.