When she was growing up, 29-year-old Michelle Clamens had figured she would be a teacher or a nurse not a pizza delivery person struggling to regain custody of her children.

Although she never pursued her childhood dreams of further education, the mother of three thought she was managing alright until she was stripped of her children.

Eight months ago Child and Family Services removed her three children Miccaaged 11, Victoria, 15 months, and Unique, one week old, mainly due to her ex-boyfriend?s drug addiction.

Fighting back a steady stream of tears Michelle recounted the day she lost them.

?That day I had to take my one week old baby to the clinic,? she said.

Also with her at the clinic were her boyfriend at the time who is also the baby?s father, and her other daughter.

The boyfriend, she said, had been taking drugs the night before and during that day, and started making a scene once they got to the clinic. She said the doctor on duty tried to persuade her to stay in the clinic away from her boyfriend for the children?s safety.

?Instead of going along with the doctor?s advice, I made a terrible mistake and decided to go to my boyfriend to tell him that there was something strange going on and that we had to leave right away,? she said. ?I left the clinic with him.

?Being that I was up the night before fighting with him, I was clearly tired and he being high on drugs was not the best combination.?

She said that he drove them home where they found Police and Family Services waiting.

Police arrested the boyfriend for child endangerment.

At a court hearing the next day the judge ruled that Michelle would lose custody of the children for six months.

Devastated at the court?s ruling, she admitted: ?I behaved terribly in the court.?

Michelle?s parents have stepped in and taken custody of her two oldest children since the ruling and her youngest daughter is now temporarily living with an aunt as Michelle had put her up for adoption.

Michelle believes her daughter would be better off with somebody who would give her better care. She said she had already discussed the situation with the father and had explained to him that she would not be able to raise three children by herself and that she has no hope of him changing his life around in the near future.

Although Michelle is allowed visits once a week, she said not having her children in her life has changed many things for her. She said she feels like an outsider in her children?s life. Her son, an honour roll student who is also very active in sports, does not get to have his mother at his games anymore. Michelle has learned from his teachers that, although he is still doing well in school, he is not himself. She thinks he has lost his self confidence and has become a lot less outspoken.

Michelle said she?s also noticed that her two-year-old daughter Victoria has been affected. Before she was taken into custody, Victoria was starting to talk and learning to use the bathroom but now ?she throws herself around a lot?, Michelle said.

?It looks like she is going backwards. I guess it is because she is not getting the attention that I used to give her.?

When asked whether or not she had any support from her parents in the past and at present, she said that her parents had been angry and ashamed of how her life had turned out and that they are now concentrating on their grandchildren while she gets her life together. However, she admits that she has concerns about how her parents are raising her children. She says her parents, although not intentionally, had suppressed her as a child and she grew up feeling that she have not had the attention she would have liked. She admitted she fears that the same would happen to her children. She believes that the fact that she did not get the attention she desired from her parents as a child had led her to look for attention somewhere else. She says that she has lost her parents? trust due to several unwise decisions she made in the past and that it hurts her now to realise that it has actually made it hard for her parents to believe that she can be a good person and could turn her life around. Michelle admitted that her parents now feel threatened by her because they know she has been angry with them for a long time for things that happened in the past.

?I am not that angry for them to feel threatened by me, I just want to be with my children!?

Michelle said that she is now taking computer courses in order to get a decent paying job. At the moment she works part-time delivering pizzas for a little more than $150 a week. She says she is also required to get a decent size apartment which she will get financial assistance for. Michelle also mentioned that she would like to organise a parent support group for parents who are in the same boat as her. She believes that it would be constructive for parents to network and share ideas and talk to one another and achieve their goals in getting their children back. She mentioned that she had met a few parents who had given up the fight and got on with the rest of their lives. She says: ?No parent should ever feel that way!?

When asked of her rationale for staying in a relationship with a man she knew had drug addictions and could also compromise her children?s safety as well us hers, her answer was short. She replied, ?That?s the thing, I wasn?t thinking!?

She admitted she has now learnt her lessons and understands that nothing is worth losing her children for. She says: ?You see, I have had a string of men in my life that are unworthy!? She added that she is just learning with the help of counselling the effects of her childhood in her choice of men.

She advises parents like her to start by getting rid of the negative elements in their lives that had caused them to lose their children in the first instance. She says that negative elements could be boyfriends or girlfriends, spouses, certain lifestyles or an addiction. She says: ?We have to let those things go, however painful that may be.

?We don?t see what other people see in us and we must learn to accept our weaknesses when they?re pointed out to us.?

Her advice to young people is that young people should map out their goals for their future. She stressed the importance of clearly set out goals in a young person?s life. She suggested writing down dreams and reminding themselves of their goals as often as possible. She said, sadly once one throws one?s life away it is much harder to get it back up and that it would be hard to gain the trust and respect of people in their lives.

Michelle pointed out that she has shared her story, which she believes is a story of many other women in the Island, mainly because she would like to let her children know that she is trying to get her life together and that she is still fighting for them. Fighting back more tears she said: ?When I get my children back, which I believe I will, we would have to put what happened behind us and start a new life together again.?

But her journey is far from over. She revealed that she has had to get a restraining order on her ex-boyfriend to stop him from calling on her home. She lives in a house which has sustained major structural damage and is in a condition which is hardly safe for a woman in her situation.

Michelle is cleaning up her past which cost her a great deal. Michelle claims that despite the fact that she faces a hard road ahead of her, she is up for the challenge.