It's tough growing up and having to endure teasing and bullying from other kids for the slightest blemish or deviation from the norm. Most parents have had to console a child who came home from school or the neighbourhood crying because of such things. Most children have heard some form of the ditty: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." I think that after awhile, most people learn words can hurt very much. Words hurt because they have meaning.

Which is actually hurts worse, being hit with a fist or a switch, or hit with a cold, uncaring attitude? I suppose it depends on who is doing the hitting. If it's a stranger, then I vote for the fist, but if it's someone I know and value in some kind of relationship, then I vote for the cold and uncaring attitude. I'd rather my lover slap me across the face in a moment of anger than turn her attention away in a siege of disaffection.

So, when it comes to domestic violence and relationship abuse, I found it interesting when I came across an article published in 2005 in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Two researchers from Boston University and two from the University of Maryland had done a study in which they considered partners of men who had been abusive in their relationship.

Over half the partners of these men, before the men entered treatment, were suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Even after six months of treatment, a little over one-fifth of the partners were still suffering from PTSD. What was most interesting is that psychological abuse was found to be more powerful than physical abuse; it was distinctively associated with PTSD symptoms. Now, it turns out, there is research evidence to support the common sense understanding that words, and the meanings they convey, can hurt, and they can become even more insidious than being hit.

Three categories of words and attitudes were shown to be psychologically abusive: denigration, restrictive engulfment, and dominance/intimidation behaviours. These evidenced the strongest associations with PTSD symptoms.

One person denigrates another when they put them down, criticise them, call them demeaning names and describe their actual being as a categorical disappointment. The abuser says the other person is stupid, questioning the other's innate capacities. The abuser swears at the other person. The tone of the denigration is mean. The attitude is unloving. The effect is cruel. The words are so painful they bring people to tears, but after enough time, the abused develop a kind of distance, going away inside their heads so they can endure it.

One person engulfs and restricts another by calling into question their motives and expressing suspicion that the other might be stepping beyond some kind of relational boundary. Very jealous and insecure men do this when they accuse their wives of infidelity or even of just having wandering eyes.

Often what goes along with this is the necessity to account for every minute of time, to call and check in on the phone, or other such accounting mechanisms. Another way to engulf a person is to wipe out their distinctive difference as another human being, demanding that both people in the relationship agree on everything, think the same, have the same values, enjoy the same tastes, colours, and temperatures.

One person dominates or intimidates another by repeatedly getting angry and saying these hurtful things; so, the abused develops a hyper-vigilant coping strategy. They become watchful and on guard.

However, the demanding nature of the abuser creates various and often-subtle obligations on the part of the abused, many of which just go undetected, moving under the radar screen of normal attention. What results, though, is the picture of a person fearful and timid, afraid of disappointing the abuser.

Sticks and stones may break my bones ? but words can break my spirit. That's more the truth of it. People who find themselves in psychologically abusive relationships, and it runs both ways, with women often being just as psychologically abusive as males, need to get help. They may be suffering from just as destructive a case of PTSD as those who have endured natural or man-made catastrophes.

Dr. Philip Brownell, M.Div., Psy.D. is a psychologist at Benedict Associates. He can be contacted at 295-2070 or send e-mail to pbrownell@benedict.bm