It might interest you to know that a baby?s crying, in terms of decibels, lies somewhere between factory machinery and a chainsaw and all three are above the level at which ear protection should be worn! That fact alone should demonstrate why a crying baby is so hard to cope with, but add to that the chronic sleep deprivation, physical recovery from birth and the isolation of our post-industrialised society and it is easy to understand why life with an infant can be such a struggle.

Crying is perhaps the single most common ?problem? of infancy and although obviously a normal part of the parenting experience, it can leave us feeling angry, depressed, overwhelmed and desperate. I remember long evenings pacing the floor with my first baby with her crying endlessly on my shoulder. This article is not going to suggest things to do when your baby cries (perhaps that?s for another time) but after much reading (and many babies!) I have discovered some interesting thoughts about babies, their crying and what it might mean for us as parents and how we choose to parent that I want to share with you.

Why is crying so hard to cope with? Perhaps it is because it makes us feel helpless, out of control and it saps our confidence. This is especially for those parents who are used to be ?in control?, and feeling capable in other areas of their lives.

The first thing to say is that babies are born with a crying reflex, but not a laughing reflex. This is important to remember because while giggling and laughing are cute and useful for social interaction, crying is essential for survival. The aim is to bring someone running in an emergency. How we respond to that perceived emergency has implications for both the short and long term well-being of baby and parent. It is well known that babies who are responded to quickly in the early weeks and months learn that their world is a safe place, that their carers can be trusted and that they are loved. As an added bonus, research suggests that this results in less crying as the baby gets older. Many would say that everything you do with your baby in the early months is helping to set his levels of feeling good about himself and shape his reactions to the world.

The problem is that there seem to be so many reasons why babies cry, it is no wonder that we end up feeling helpless and confused.

Someone has described the thoughts going through a new parent?s mind, on hearing their baby cry, like this, ?He needs his diaper changing; he must be thirsty; he?s ill? there?s nothing wrong with him; there?s something wrong with me and what I?m doing; he doing it deliberately; he?s got me round his little finger; I can?t cope; he?s too hot; he?s tired; he wants me all the time; he?s hungry AGAIN; he wants to be left alone; I need a break; he?s so naughty; my milk is not good enough; I?m not good enough; I?ll never be good enough; why does everyone else seem to cope better than me? and so on. Any of this sound familiar? It certainly does to me. So what do we do ? we are feeling exhausted, undermined, out-of-control and helpless. You can be sure there will be no end to the advice that is given at this time. When what we really crave is encouragement, we often find ourselves with a queue of friends and well-meaning strangers who tell us that we are doing it all ?wrong? or at least not as ?right? as it could be. It is really important as a new parent to realise that, although others may seem confident of their facts and certain that they have the answers, a strongly held opinion may be little more than a strongly held prejudice. Your baby is a one-off and as such will have a different personality and needs to other babies. What works for one, will not necessarily work for another. It is vital to remember that all baby care guidelines must be moulded to work for you and your family. This goes for those ideas derived from books, from friends and even health professionals!

So when you hear your baby cry, don?t be discouraged, filter your advice and feel confident in the fact that you are the unique parent for your baby. Sometimes it takes a little time for us to work out how we want to parent, what our instincts tell us is right and what feels comfortable but gradually you will find ways that work for you both.