1. LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Batterers often begin the psychological abuse before the physical violence. Excessive criticism, extreme jealousy, name-calling, withholding of compliments, and blaming the victim for all of the couple's problems contribute to the victim feeling incompetent. Many-battered women/men believe they are failures as wives/husbands, mothers/fathers and women/men because they do not know how to stop the abuse.

2. PROMISES OF CHANGE

After the violence, many batterers exhibit loving, contrite behaviour, promising that it will never happen again. This reinforces the victim's hope that the abuse really will stop and belief that the batterer is sincere and wants to maintain the relationship. For the abuser, promises are often simply one more tactic to prolong the misuse of power and control.

3. HOPE

Sociology reveals that women are often socialized to be forgiving, to give one more chance, and have faith that relationships can be salvaged. When the perpetrator promises the abuse will stop, the victim has renewed hope that this time he/she means it. Especially without viable options for escape, hope can help the victim cope.

4. POWER, INFLUENCE AND WEALTH

Victims whose batterers are powerful politicians, community leaders, drug dealers, law enforcement, probation officers, judges, lawyers, ministers, and etc. experience added risk when attempting to leave. The victim has more than likely seen the regard afforded such perpetrators, and fears that even if there is evidence of the abuse, no one will be willing to protect her/him at the expense of taking on the batterer.

5. DENIAL AND MINIMISATION

Often the pattern of violence begins with slapping, hitting and shoving, which can be viewed by the victim and battered as unusual behaviour. However, until others treat the violence as the crime that it is, victims cannot be expected to recognise and respond to it.

6. FEAR

Victims' fears of revenge for calling the police, going to court or leaving are not unfounded. In fact, many batterers begin stalking and abusing their victims after separation in an attempt to coerce them back into the relationship.

7. ISOLATION

Most batterers systematically destroy the victim's friendships and family ties. Batterers may intentionally abuse the victim in front of friends since most people feel uncomfortable around family conflict. The resulting isolating can leave the victim vulnerable to the batterer's psychological abuse she/he has no other reality checks by which to measure her/his mistreatment.

8. PRIOR LACK OF INTERVENTION BY AUTHORITIES

In the past the victim may have attempted to obtain help from friends, police and/or the courts, to no avail. Based on these inadequate responses, which may have further endangered her/him, the victim may now assume that no one will treat the abuse seriously.

9. LACK OF HOUSING

The inability to provide a home for themselves and their children is a key obstacle to a victim's ability to become self-sufficient, and thus, stay away from the batterer.

10. LACK OF FINANCES

The highest predictor of whether a victim of abuse can permanently leave her//his abuser is economic resources.

11. THE FAMILY

The victim may believe that the children will benefit from having their parents together, especially if she/he can figure out how to stop the abuse.

12. RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OR ADVICE

Many abuse victims mistakenly believe that their religion dictates that they remain with the batterer, regardless of the danger. Increasingly, most denominations are trying to educate their priests and ministers to provide safety planning for members who are being abused, instead of simply telling them to try harder to please the batterer.

13. ALCOHOL OR SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Some domestic violence victims may self-medicate as a coping mechanism, possibly because they are also child incest or abuse survivors. Other victims' physicians have routinely prescribed tranquilizers and/or anti-depressants, while failing to provide safety planning and resource information. Too often substance abuse treatment providers focus only on the addiction, never asking about the victim's current safety or the origins of the substance abuse.

14. LOVE

While victims report they want the violence to stop, many say they do want the relationship to continue, in part because they still love their partners. Keeping in mind that most batterers are not abusive all the time, and, in fact, can be charming and promise it will never happen again, it is not so surprising that victims can continue caring for the abuser.

15. PRIOR RECORD

Sometimes when the victim has a criminal record, he/she believes that if he/she attempts to get a protection order or testify at the trial, their abuser will alert the authorities and he/she will end up in jail.

16. FEAR OF CHANGE

Most people are averse to change; that is, even when they know that change would greatly improve their situation, it is still difficult to get to the action phase. Change is difficult for all of us, and the more dramatic the change, the harder it is to get through the necessary stages to action. Victims often leave many times before they can make a final break.

TO OUR READERS: If you are a victim of abuse and are committed to end it and take back your life, call The Physical Abuse Centre at 292-4366 between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. or our 24-hour help line at 297-8278.

Help is just a phone call away.