Dear Annie: I have known "Celia" for five years and love her like a sister. A few months ago, I found out that Celia's husband is having an affair with a former employee. I know he meets this woman at various out-of-the-way places and that he leaves work in the middle of the day to see her on her lunch hour.

We live in a small town, and I'm not the only one who sees what's going on. I imagine Celia suspects more than she is saying and is trying to keep it quiet out of concern for her children.

Celia used to be so energetic and have such a spark for life, but now she seems burnt out all the time. I want her to know that I am here for her, but don't want to embarrass her or lose her friendship. What should I do? – USA

Dear USA: Celia is probably aware that her husband is cheating, but for whatever reason, she has chosen not to address it. Please don't force her to deal with this before she is ready. If you want to be a good friend, tell Celia she seems tired and depressed and if she needs someone to listen, you are available. You also might suggest that she seek professional help. The rest is up to her.

Dear Annie: I am a loving caregiver to my brother who is in Hospice. I am his closest blood relative. He is married and his wife lives in the area.

I was at the hospital and noticed a nurse coming from his room. I asked if there was an emergency and was told to "ask his wife''. I am at the hospital more than she is. Is it proper for the hospital to defer to the wife instead of blood relatives? It seemed cold and insensitive. – Brother in California

Dear Brother: Even though you are a blood relation, your brother's wife is his legal next-of-kin and apparently the only one authorised to receive his personal information. The next time you speak to her, ask if your name can also be listed on the necessary forms so that you, too, can be regularly updated about your brother's condition. We hope she will agree.

Dear Annie: This is in response to all those wives who don't want sex with their husbands. Their arguments all boil down to the same thing – it's the husband's fault.

I've been married 24 years. I love my wife, but our sex life is very poor. I'd enjoy spending hours of romantic time with her, but she's not interested. I propose intimate getaways, but she won't go. I can't count how many times I have given her hour-long massages from head to toe. She always makes a promise to return the favour, which is supposed to mean sex, but it never happens.

She doesn't like me to hug or kiss her, and she would never initiate contact. The last thing I want is to be "serviced''. It is degrading to me knowing she doesn't enjoy it, so I don't, either. It's better to count our other blessings. I have no plans to leave her because of a rotten sex life. She is otherwise a good person.

Both sides have to want and work for change. I have a beautiful image of how intimate and romantic our relationship could be, and I don't understand why my wife wouldn't want that. – Doing My Best

Dear Best: We agree that too many people blame their spouses without looking closely at their own behaviour. It's a shame your wife doesn't want more intimacy, but it sounds as if all the sweet things you do are primarily to get sex.

When women feel pressured like that, every touch becomes an obligation, and they begin to avoid physical closeness of any kind.

Please consider counseling so both of you can express what you need.