Dear Annie: I have a 29-year-old son, “Eddie”, who recently moved back home after separating from his girlfriend. For the most part, everything has been fine. But recently, Eddie was away for a weekend. My two grandsons (from another son), ages 11 and nine, spent that weekend here, in Eddie’s room.The first night, everything was OK. But the second day, the boys seemed secretive. I was constantly checking on them, and even though things seemed normal, I began to feel uneasy. At one point, they locked the door, and when I questioned them, they said the door had somehow locked itself.

After we took them home, I checked the bedroom and found some very graphic pictures of nude women and men that were hidden under the mattress. I immediately tore them up and threw them away, and will be addressing this with Eddie when he returns. But meanwhile, I am very concerned about my grandsons. I feel I should talk to them, but should I tell their parents first?

Other than my feelings of unease, I’m not sure they actually saw the pictures. How great an impact will this have on them if they did? — Concerned GrandmotherDear Grandmother: <$>It is, unfortunately, not uncommon for children that age (especially the older one) to come across pornography. As long as they aren’t exposed to it often, the impact is usually slight. We think your instincts are solid, Grandma, and locked doors generally mean something “private” is going on. Instead of discussing this with the boys directly, you should tell their parents and let them handle it as they see fit.

Dear Annie$>I am a middle-aged, never-married woman. I have a loving family (although they are not the kind I can talk to) and an OK job. The man I loved passed away a few years ago, and I still miss him very much.I do not consider myself suicidal, because I wouldn’t inflict that kind of heartache on my family, but I wish I were dead. I scan the death notices in the newspaper daily and think how lucky these people are. When I hear someone has passed away, I feel envious. When I pick up a knife or a blade of any sort, I wish I had the guts to use it, but I know I never will.

I don’t think I am truly depressed, but I don’t know how to get over these obsessive thoughts of death. — Wishes for De<$>Dear Wishes: Thoughts of death and suicide indicate depression regardless of how well you maintain your job, your home or your appearance. Happy people do not envy the dead. You can find free or low-cost help through United Way, the YMCA, your local hospitals, churches, university psychology departments, graduate school counselling departments and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org). Please contact one of these organisations today, and get some help. You deserve to feel bet.

Dear Annie: <$>I’d like to weigh in on men who feel rejected if their wives refuse sex. My wife and I have been together 23 years. I used to come home and find lots of excuses for putting up my feet, but a heart-to-heart opened my eyes. Her “office” is our home. Spouses should both punch out at the same time, and whatever work is left should be shared. Intimate moments are more gratifying when you both feel like equals.Today, I tackle dishes, baths and more. Our family works as a team, and it’s been well worth the effort. I have discovered a whole new world with my children, and I almost missed it. —rc<$>Dear Marc: Thanks for pointing out the many benefits of being an equal partner in a marriage.