I want time with my husband the workaholic
Dear Annie: My significant other of 20-plus years retired eight months ago. I thought this would finally give us time together, but I could not have been more wrong.“Steve” is only in his mid-50s and had worked 30 years at a brutal, physically demanding job. Nothing changed when he retired. He still gets up and goes to work each day and is never late. He now unloads trucks for $15 an hour. He comes home totally exhausted and cranky, usually with brandy on his breath. Inevitably, we end up fighting.
Annie, we do not need the money from this job. I cannot keep him home, he says he doesn’t have any hobbies or training for other jobs, and all he knows is this kind of work. I truly cannot fathom why, after working so hard for so long, he actually chooses to work harder now.
I love Steve dearly, but I thought this was going to be “our time”. I don’t want to waste our still-active years at home alone. Am I overreacting, or should I just let him work himself into an early grave while I pine away by myself? — Alone and Frustrated in New Bedford, MassachusettsDear New Bedford:>Steve wants to work, and heavy lifting is what he knows. If he derives satisfaction from it, it would be a mistake to insist that he stop, even if you believe it is too strenuous. But the fact that he comes home exhausted, cranky and with brandy on his breath could indicate more is going on.For many men, their entire identity is their job. Retirement is confusing and depressing. Suggest to Steve that he get a complete physical and discuss his job with the doctor. You also can alert the doctor to check Steve for depression. Meanwhile, don’t sit home alone pining. Get involved in volunteer work. Those organisations can use someone like you.Dear Annie$>I am a professional female, living in a small Midwestern city, and I am friends with several medical professionals in the community.I’ve had several cosmetic surgeries, including Botox injections. These were performed by a local plastic surgeon. This surgeon was highly recommended, and I liked her bedside manner.
To make a complicated story short, a trusted friend in the medical field told me that this plastic surgeon had “problems with patient confidentiality,” and that I should seek treatment elsewhere. I feel betrayed. What should I do? — Mad in the Midwest
Dear Ma<$>If you have evidence that your surgeon blabbed about your procedures, you can report her to the American Board of Plastic Surgery (abplsurg.org). Otherwise, decide if you believe your friend’s accusations or not. If you do, it’s time to find a new doctor to do future medical procedures, since you have lost your trust in this particular surgeon’s discretion.
Dear Ann <$>You’ve printed several letters from children who feel guilty about keeping their distance from difficult, ageing parents.
My husband is a pastor, and I am a church professional. We have observed a number of families in which elderly parents become increasingly inconsiderate, self-centred and rude toward their family members. The spouses of children and grandchildren are particularly prone to be targets of jealousy and spite. But after sincere efforts to confront inappropriate behaviour have failed, families should not be faulted for removing themselves from further abuse. — S.L. in ArizonaDear S.L.: We understand children who avoid emotionally abusive parents, but sometimes, a change in personality or an increase in negativity can indicate a medical or psychological problem. We hope children will not distance themselves before checking it out. We owe our parents at least that h.
Annie’s Snippet for St. Patrick’s Day: May the luck of the Irish possess you. May the devil fly off with your worries. May God bless you forever and ever.
