Dear Annie: I’ve gotten myself in a real pickle. I’ve been married for 30 years to “Shirley.” Our marriage has been OK, but far from great. Several months ago, I gave in to temptation and had a weekend fling with “Luisa.” I deceived her into thinking I was single and available.

In the six weeks before our weekend together, Luisa and I exchanged over 200 e-mails. We really shared our hearts and got to know each other. I never intended for it to get as far as it did. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.

After our weekend together, I was overcome with such guilt that I told Luisa the truth about being married. Then I told Shirley about the affair and asked her to forgive my lies and my betrayal. She has. She loves me beyond comprehension.

In most cases, this is where the man is supposed to put the fling behind him and make things right with his wife. It would be easier if he found his wife attractive. Shirley’s not ugly, but I long for more. Luisa is gorgeous. The day I held her in my arms, I fell in love for the first time in my life. I knew when I proposed to Shirley that I wasn’t in love with her, but I figured I’d grow to love her. It hasn’t happened.

Do I follow my heart, throwing away what Shirley and I have spent 30 years trying to build? Or do I follow my head and stay with my wife, miserable, knowing there is somebody out there who is better for me?

Luisa told me she loves me. Shirley and I are both in counselling. Although I want very much to be with Luisa, I find it hard to walk away from Shirley, who has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve this treatment. Please help. — Miserable

Dear Miserable: We sympathise that your marriage is not satisfying, but cheating, especially the premeditated variety, is never right. We also suspect you are more “in lust” than in love with Luisa, although that doesn’t make your feelings less powerful, just less permanent. Do you have children? Even grown, they may not forgive you for hurting their mother. Continue counselling, and should you decide to leave Shirley, be sure to provide for her financial security. She deserves no less.

Dear Annie: Yesterday, my wife and I were invited to an informal get-together. After the entrees, the host started serving wine. My wife was in the bathroom and, considering that she is on medication and shouldn’t drink alcohol, I turned the glass over to indicate that the host shouldn’t waste the wine. The host became upset and told me in a very loud tone that I was being rude. He continued talking about my lack of manners, saying I didn’t know how to behave “in society.”

So, Annie, how does someone indicate he doesn’t want wine? — Mystified in Montrea>

Dear Montreal:<$> The proper way to indicate that you don’t want wine is to lay your hand above the top of the glass and say, “No, thank you.” Regardless, your host was incredibly rude to berate you at the table. You may have been misinformed, but he is the one who doesn’t know how to behave “in society.” Shame on him.

Dear Anni$> Thanks for printing the letter from “Stressed-Out Parents,” who have an addicted adult child. I can relate from my own similar situation and have found support and strength through Families Anonymous. To have someone to call who understands and will not judge you or your child is very special. I hope all families and friends of users will find such groups and support. — Grateful in Vermont

Dear Gratef<$> We have recommended Families Anonymous in the past, and we appreciate the opportunity to do so again. Call 1-800-736-9805 or check the website at familiesanonymous.org for more information.