For most parents, the arrival of a baby is the fulfilment of a dream, as one writer puts it rather extravagantly, ‘the most exquisite result of romantic love imaginable’!

But there is no doubt that it can also be a time of extraordinary adjustment for both mother and father and it may take time for a couple to arrive at a new way of ‘being’.

There is ‘his’ adjustment, ‘her’ adjustment and ‘their’ adjustment, all going on at the same time and unlikely to be synchronised or similar. During my work as both a doula, childbirth educator and friend, I have seen couples struggle with this essential re-jigging of relationships.

As a woman, I am uncomfortable writing about how fathers ‘should’ see their new role, or ‘should’ change their behaviour since I have never experienced new parenthood from a man’s point of view. So I have put together some ideas that I have gathered and I will try and let you draw your own conclusions as to what might need to be done for the new parental relationship to flourish rather than flounder.

The changes will inevitably start or be felt during the pregnancy itself. Men will have varying reactions to the news of their partner’s pregnancy but what is clear is that if fathers don’t make an effort to understand pregnancy and childbirth, then they will miss out on many of the joys and pleasures that are in store.

One definitive way of doing this is by going as a couple to childbirth classes. In my experience as a childbirth educator, it is often the mother who is keen to attend and the father who is reluctant, at least at first. As one male writer put it: “Your partner needs your help and support, and you will enjoy the next few months far more if you take an active interest.”

At the beginning of any pregnancy, the woman will be deeply affected by the changes in her body. From the moment of conception, hormonal changes may affect her mood and her physical well-being (nausea and vomiting, insomnia) in various ways.

It is vitally important to realise these changes are beyond her control. The term, ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ comes to mind!

Simply understanding and accepting why she feels the ways she does can help enormously. Many men are surprised by their emotions during their partner’s pregnancy. Most men become intensely protective towards their partner and unborn child. Modern man may not be able to show this by reinforcing the defences around his castle, but instead he may take out insurance policies, start to feel more concerned about the future of the world (a sudden interest in global warming and recycling may emerge) and begin to worry about his own, his partner’s and his baby’s health.

The transformation continues...

The actual birth of the baby can also be a time of huge emotional and psychological adjustment. Even if you feel well prepared, many find being in a medical environment can make the most confident man feel inadequate and de-skilled, not really knowing what their ‘role’ actually is but knowing that they should be doing something.

One mother wrote: “Some men pour every ounce of available energy into intense massage and vigorous bullying to ‘breathe’ and ‘push’. Others read books between contractions and show more interest in the scientific wizardry of the monitor than the mother. It’s hard to know which way your man will fall until you actually get there!”

Furthermore, seeing your beloved in pain and doing things previously unseen can be very difficult to process. The vast majority of men find it intensely emotionally rewarding and feel immediately closer to the baby and the mother and often, immense feelings of awe and respect at her achievement. But a minority of men can feel shocked by what they have seen. Both will have implications for the first few days and weeks of family life.

Most men manage to take some time off after their baby is born but don’t make the mistake of looking on this as a holiday, with the added bonus of a newborn baby. Having a baby is hard work.

Almost every new mother is genuinely surprised by how tired she feels. This tiredness may carry on for some time and has implications for all aspects of life — housework, chores, relationships, sex and so on. It is often at this time that the differences in outlook and attitude between the sexes often emerge. As one commentator put it: “As working men and women with mutual and independent interests we stand side by side. But with the birth of a first child, egalitarian notions between the sexes dissolve into pronounced and old-fashioned gender roles, with the mother quickly assuming the lion’s share of domesticity and baby-care as she nurses the physical and emotional wounds of labour and the father quickly returns to work, ever intent on providing for his new family.” By returning to work the father will also be returning to the sanctuary of a world he knows well, something that is not the experience of the mother who will stay at home for a least some time (even if she is returning to work) and so while she is coping with the vertical learning curve of looking after the new baby, it is easy for her to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the new responsibilities and perhaps even jealous that the father’s life has apparently changed so little. The impact of this can sometimes be unrecognised and underestimated by the couple on their relationship. There is no doubt that it can take some men some time before they comprehend that their lives really have fundamentally changed. They will often try and maintain their old way of life, leaving their partners feeling unsupported and misunderstood. It would seem that it is vitally important that there is a shift of priorities, particularly in the early days. Sports activities, social activities and so on may need to be sidelined or reorganised for a while. Obviously there will be compromise on both sides and ‘time-off’ can be negotiated but it is so important to talk and not let resentments build up.

It is also worth noting that, however much they may have been looking forward to the baby’s arrival, many men begin to suffer pangs of jealousy when their child finally arrives. The baby inevitably takes up an enormous amount of the mother’s time and attention. In addition, another human being is developing an intense physical relationship with their partner and many men find this genuinely difficult.

Often these feelings are something that the father can feel guilty about — after all, the baby needs its mother and breastmilk is best — but, as with any of these issues, it is really important to talk them through as a couple and maybe with other new dads. Another issue that is common is that, in most new family situations, the mother is seen as the baby-care expert, leaving the father feeling inadequate and sometimes even, unnecessary. This may be exacerbated by the fact that not every dad (or mum) bonds instantly with their newborn baby and by spending time with them this bond can grow. It is particularly difficult for dads in the early days as the baby necessarily spends more time with the mother. Some dads begin enjoying fatherhood more when the baby becomes more interactive and therefore ‘fun’, but there are ways to earn brownie points from your exhausted partner and at the same time getting to know your new baby that may enhance the bonding process. The more you cuddle your baby, perhaps give her a bath, change her, take her for a walk and so on, the more practiced and confident you will become and the closer your relationship with your child. (And all that care and help might earn you a day release for a game of golf or a run!)

Remember, your life has changed and although it may be difficult at first, once you have got used to the new equilibrium, you will discover that children do not have to take from the relationship, but may give abundantly to it. Most parents go on to see their children as enriching and enhancing their lives. The pleasure gained from having children more than compensates for the sacrifices. (I promise!)

Acceptance, compromise and understanding are the key words. It is also worth remembering, when the going gets tough and you wonder where this is all taking you both, that the absolute best thing a father can do for his baby is to love its mother!