It can be argued that the most important relationship within the family is the relationship between the two parents.

It is not difficult to see that from the quality and strength of that particular relationship springs the quality and strength of the whole family’s life. Recent research from John Gottman, best known for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction in the UK, indicates that 40 to 70 percent of couples experience “stress, profound conflict and drops in marital satisfaction” after the birth of a baby. Similarly, a different study based in the US noted that only one in five relationships were considered better at the end of the first year after having a baby.

So, the bottom line is, nurturing your own relationship and giving it top priority isn’t selfish. It’s vital, absolutely vital, for the long-term stability and wellbeing of your family.

It is so easy to see how in among the demands of daily family life — the packed lunches and sports kits, the endless rounds of meals, shopping, washing, cleaning, work — it is very easy to lose track of what made it happen in the first place: your relationship as a couple.

You might function well as a working team, servicing the family’s needs and keeping everyone else ticking over smoothly. But what about yourselves?

Do you still find time to talk and laugh together, does your heart lift when you see your partner unexpectedly, is there still a spark of romance between you? If these things wither under the onslaught, a few years down the line your family will disperse to lead their own lives, leaving the two of you with nothing.

One of the difficulties is that the experience of parenthood may be quite different from what you dreamed it would be like. Research has shown that only four percent of parents find that child rearing lives up to their expectations, while almost half of all new parents would have delayed having children if they’d known what it was really going to be like.

This aspect of parenthood, and new parenthood in particular, is so important for couples to discuss before their babies are born which is why it is included in the Birth Matters Workshops that I co-lead.

We look at the losses and gains of being a parent and couples are encouraged to explore what they think that they, as individuals, will find most difficult to cope with.

There are many issues that arise but what follows seems to be those that are the most consistent. Those of you who have had children may read the following with a wry smile and nod quietly to yourselves and think how far you have come— or maybe not.

To those who haven’t crossed the bridge into parenthood yet, work on the premise that forewarned is forearmed and make some time to discuss the following:

[box] The most obvious stress that a new baby puts on the household is the total demolition of normal routines. Couple this with the challenge of coping with crying, against a background of lost sleep and you start to see why those first few weeks can be pretty tough on even the most solid relationship. It is also easy to see how resentment can build up as all the ‘normal’ aspects of life have to be shifted or let go— golf, the gym, reading the newspaper without interruption, in fact, doing anything without interruption. This lack of control can be very hard particularly for those couples who are used to living organised and disciplined lives. The demands of babies and young children can leave you feeling like you can’t organise anything and very resentful.

[box] Some couples really struggle with the loss of their intimate relationship and time alone together. No more cosy couple evenings, no more uninterrupted meals and sharing of the day, no more freedom to go to the movies at the last minute. Nothing will ever be the same again. Although they love their baby, they or one of the couple (often the man) can feel jealous of the time the baby takes up and often can feel left out. Sex lives usually suffer greatly after a baby is born, for obvious reasons. You both may be too tired to care, or one of you may feel misunderstood and frustrated. Either way, it’s likely that you’ll find yourselves out of sync, and it’s wise to talk about why you really do — or don’t — feel like sex, to avoid misunderstandings.

[box] Issues of how to parent can also cause problems. Differences in opinion on how to treat a baby or child can be difficult to negotiate, once the baby is here. For example: one of you may want the baby in the bed with them for night-time feeds, while the other fears this is making a rod for your own backs. You may come from family where children were allowed to choose their own bedtime and eat when they wanted, while your partner may have had a strict routine and always sat down to family mealtimes. Learning to talk it through and to be consistent and showing your children that you both feel the same way about issues will help with discipline and other aspects of parenting later on.

[box] Division of labour can also be a source of tension. Where as before you worked as a team or at least knew what your responsibilities were suddenly there is so much more to do, so little time and so little energy. You may row over what you feel your partner is doing too little of, or what they are able to do but your are not or what they said they would do but never seem to get around to.

If having a baby seems to have caused big ripples in your relationship, try not to let those resentments build up. Even though life is busy and you are tired, set aside time to talk things through without blaming, or getting angry.

Remember family life is different from couple life. Expect it to change and you won’t be disappointed. If you are through those emotionally and physically exhausting early years but you know that there are still ‘issues’ to be resolved don’t just let the busy-ness of life take over. Make sure you take time for yourselves and talk.

And remember don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling. And as I said in the beginning, make your relationship a priority— make an effort to go out and get away from the children. See it as a necessity not a luxury or treat.