Question: My 40-year-old husband still acts like a 20-year-old college student. He quit his well-paying job about four years ago to finish building our home. Four years later, the home still isn't finished, and he considers himself "self-employed," running an online auction business.

I work 40 hours per week, and I'm the primary caregiver of our 13-year-old son, taking him back and forth to school, ball practice and church activities. My husband keeps unusual hours, sometimes sleeping 24 hours straight and then staying up for two days straight. He mainly works on the computer, watches TV and eats. Twice I've caught him asleep in front of the computer watching a porn site. I worry that my 13-year-old could have been the one who found him!

I have to beg him to take out the trash or pick up his clothes. He uses foul language, is irritable, rude and crude to me, and he never supports me in disciplining our son. He even says to our son, "Don't listen to your mother. She's so stupid!" I've tried ignoring him, and I've tried to talk to my son, telling him that although he should love his father, he shouldn't imitate his behaviour.

We're in a financial mess because my husband doesn't have a source of steady income. I sometimes have to purchase necessities like clothing and food with credit cards. With my salary, I'm able to make only minimum payments on our accounts.

I'm considering leaving my husband, mainly to get my son away from his negative influence. I don't know what will happen to our joint accounts or how I will be able to force him to pay anything. I have a feeling he makes more than I'm aware of, but I don't have any way to verify that. I don't care anything about living in our half-finished home, so I'll gladly move out, but how can I get him to buy out my half so that I can be free of the mortgage?

I know these are more financial issues than parenting issues, but they come from my wish to raise my son in a more stable environment, away from the negative and crude influences of my husband, his father. Do you have any suggestions on where I should start?

Answer: If your description is accurate, unless your husband is willing to get help, it appears there isn't much marriage left. You probably need an attorney immediately.

Your perceptions that your son will be negatively affected in an environment where his father is continuously disrespectful of you are correct. In his present state, your husband is a poor role model for your son. You've not said anything about violence or abuse, so I'm hoping they're not part of the picture. However, if you have fears of violence, be sure to talk to an attorney about how you can legally keep yourself and your son safe.

You're also correct in knowing that I can't truly help you with your financial issues, but an attorney can help you sort out future possibilities. Even if your husband hides his income from you and refuses to pay for your son's maintenance, you may find you're better off if you can sell the house and have a small cushion to use for getting a fresh start.

You'll need counseling and support to help you make your final decisions and guide you in communicating to your husband and son about divorce or separation. None of this will be easy for you, but you're living in a difficult environment now and will undoubtedly feel very relieved once you and your son are on your own.

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Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com