Question: My 16-year-old son is gifted with an IQ in the 140s. His mother divorced me when I became totally disabled and immediately remarried. His teachers say he is one of the three brightest children in his high school but takes the easy way out. He only achieved a 51 percent in his advanced placement world history class.

When I took him to meet with the teacher, the teacher asked if he was going to college. I felt a dagger in my heart when he said no. I was in shock and speechless. His mother and teacher were very cool about it. After my ex-wife left with our son the teacher also expressed shock.

I have three degrees, am working on a fourth and have taught my son that when God gives you a gift, you should develop it for His glory. His response to me was that he wasn't going to college and that he had already told me so in the fifth grade. I'm frustrated that he won't tell me his plans. Then he told me last week that he was thinking of going to college to study music or psychology. Now my son is involved in a long-distance relationship with a very dysfunctional girl. I'm just blown away. Education is the second highest goal behind Godliness. I would be most grateful for any ideas or direction to take so he doesn't throw his God-given talents away.

Answer: Your son is obviously an underachiever who's searching for his identity. The fact that his parents are divorced and his father is totally handicapped makes that identity search considerably more stressful for him. It's hard to know what he's thinking because his statements to you sound oppositional and rebellious. It's possible he's thinking that Dad spent all his time getting an education and advanced degrees, but he can't do anything about his handicap, despite his education. He may actually feel angry with you for being handicapped, but since his feelings are so irrational and unfair, he may not know how to deal with them. Girlfriends can be very influential as well. If his friend really is dysfunctional, she may be ready to quit school and start a family, and your son could feel pressured about that.

It's obvious your son could benefit from counselling if you can persuade him that this is a good time to explore his direction and interests. He hasn't ruled out college since he later mentioned majoring in psychology and music. He almost seems to be toying with you, his mother and his teacher to check on your reactions. Some visits to college campuses may make college inviting, but if your son really isn't ready, taking a really boring minimum-wage job after high school may be sufficient for him to decide he'd be better off studying. Another alternative is for him to start at a community college where he can explore interests at very little cost and count any credits he earns toward a four-year degree once he finds his direction.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com