this week as a chance for some fax-mischief.

Arriving at these offices via telephone line yesterday were some blank "EXPAT TRASH I.D. CARDS''.

Along with photo, "authorised'' signatures of Ms Bell herself and the cardholder, the applicant was required to tick one of the following boxes: Limey Scum; T.A.C.; Know-It-All Yank; or Jump-Up.

But, hoo-ha! There was no spot for an expiry date, eh? (Wot? Irie! Dang!) * * * Blood sugar levels were running low at a Supreme Court trial before Chief Justice the Hon. Mr. Austin Ward last week.

And defence lawyer Mr. Archie Warner was in a particularly feisty frame of mind, leaping to his feet again and again to hotly contest one legal affront after another.

Each time jurors settled comfortably in their seats, renewed legal wrangling forced them to withdraw. With heavy sighs and eyes rolling, they lumbered to their feet and headed for the door.

But around midday, it seemed everyone had settled down. The jury was invited in and the trial was back on track.

The prosecution started up again -- but Mr. Warner was having none of it.

"Your Honour ...'' he cried with renewed outrage as he sprang to his feet.

But his Honour had had his fill.

"Mr. Warner,'' he replied. "I've had quite enough of your arguing. I'm going to lunch.'' On that note, he turned his berobed back on the court and swished out, leaving Mr. Warner in mid-diatribe and jurors nodding their heads in approval.

* * * As usual, Bermudians were prepared to pull out all the stops to make visitors to the Island feel uniquely welcome.

For the long-awaited inaugural flight of Condor Airline -- Bermuda's first direct flight with Europe and first serious opportunity of tapping into the European travel market -- great things were planned.

Pomp and ceremony, what Bermudians do best, was to be laid on thick and rich for our distinguished German visitors.

Politicians, gombeys and a steel band not to mention a giant water arc were all poised at the Civil Air Terminal to make our foreign visitors feel warm inside, proud to be here and pleased to have picked Bermuda over every other Caribbean, North American and European destination.

The local media especially had been promised a memorable moment.

First Mr. Woolridge emerged from the plane waving and clad in a pair of yellow Bermuda shorts (we'd seen him before), followed by five jet lagged gombeys, tourism and Condor officials and last, but not least -- our German tourists! The gombeys milled about, the press descended on the officials, the tourists looked bemused and the steel band was nowhere in sight.

Where was the band??? The band, it was explained, regretfully could not play. It was just too hot.