tired of family obligations, faked happiness, and traditions you don't relate to? Do you bow to commercial pressure and spend more than you want on gifts? Don't despair -- psychologist Mr. Michael Ashton has positive suggestions to soothe the holiday blues. In the interests of harmony, all names have been changed except Mr. Ashton's.

"Frankly, I wish they'd all die so we could have a happy Christmas for once.'' Grim those these words may be, Teresa is desperate -- so desperate that she believes death is the only way she and her family will ever escape having to spend Christmas pleasing her parents and in-laws.

Like so many young couples, Teresa and her husband really want to spend Christmas Day at home with their three young children. It is also what the children want, but the grandparents won't hear of it.

"Each year we try to get out of leaving home, but they lay such guilt trips on us that in the end we give in,'' Teresa said. "It's very selfish of them, really.'' Thus Teresa becomes one of thousands who succumb to what psychologist Mr.

David Ashton calls the "gypsy caravan syndrome.'' "These are people who end up spending half of Christmas Day in their cars travelling from one member of the extended family to another meeting the needs of others but not their own,'' he said.

"Christmas is a nightmare we start dreading in October,'' Lloyd, another caravanner, admitted. "Both my parents and my wife's parents divorced and remarried. All four couples insist we spend part of Christmas Day with each of them. It's hard on us and even worse on our two-year-old. We can't stay anywhere long enough to please anybody, least of all ourselves, and by the time we get home at night we're exhausted. Frankly, I hate Christmas.'' Actually, it's not Christmas that Lloyd hates but his inability to communicate to members of his extended family his right to have his family's needs met.

Incredibly, Mr. Ashton says that meeting the needs of others at the expense of oneself is what Christmas is all about for a huge segment of the adult population.

"The majority of men and women would prefer not to go to grandma's house, but they may or may not admit it,'' he said. "What you really end up with is adult children yielding to the greater power of the parent.'' Indeed, in an informal survey for this feature, Taste found only one person who was actually looking forward to spending Christmas Day with her parents.

"But I'm not married and my fiancee loves being with my parents. I don't know what I'd do if I had to compete with his family on Christmas Day. Fortunately they don't live here,'' she said.

In many cases, it's not that anyone actually dislikes their parents or parents-in-law. As adults, they simply dislike being denied the freedom to choose how they spend Christmas.

And the lack of choice is not only emotionally unhealthy for the adult children, but also exerts a toll on their children. Young children in particular prefer to spend Christmas Day in their own homes, enjoying their tree and gifts.

"I love my nannies and grampies,'' little Erica explained, "but I want to stay home on Christmas Day so I can play with all my toys and the neighbourhood kids. It's more fun.'' But it is not only adults and young children who have problems. Grandparents can resent no-choice Christmases too. Olive is a case in point.

Now widowed and approaching 80, her seven children, their spouses and progeny all assume that piling into her home on Christmas Day is what makes her happy.

The gathering is so enormous that the family has to eat in shifts. Of course, all the women pitch in to help, but it still adds up to a full day of hard work and mass confusion.

Olive would give anything to end this chaotic "tradition.'' She longs for restful rather than stressful Christmas, and most of all wants to be waited on.

Noleen is one of many forced into a Christmas posture she loathes. "I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I have to spend Christmas with my mother-in-law. It's a family tradition but we hate each other. The day is so faked it makes me sick,'' she said.

Naturally, the variations on the choice-free Christmases are endless -- husbands and wives with different needs, children with expectations of their own, the presence of unwanted relatives and house or dinner guests, and so forth -- yet all of these problems stem from a common cause: lack of communication.

"A healthy family is able to communicate its needs effectively so that problems of where to spend Christmas don't arise. If you don't have effective communication skills or the will and courage to implement them, that is to some degree dysfunctional because needs are not being met,'' Mr. Ashton explained.

Admitting that "to make a major adjustment at this point in December is a bit late'', the psychologist assured that minor adjustments were still possible.

He defined the keys to achieving adjustments were: asserting individual rights, limit setting, and balance.

"What we are talking about now is compromise through discussion. What we are looking for is a no-lose solution,'' he said.

The first thing everyone needs to understand is that, as individuals, we had a perfect right to have our own needs met first. As adults we have freedom of choice.

"The individual and his or her family have the right to schedule and to spend the festive season as they prefer. It requires defining the preference, and then communicating that preference to the people to whom they feel obligated or with whom they usually spend Christmas,'' Mr. Ashton said.

The place to begin was with themselves.

"Mother, father and children, for example, must first sit down and clarify their own needs by asking themselves: `If you had a totally free choice, how would you really like to spend Christmas?' From this they should draw up a plan which meets most of their needs and then discuss it with members of the extended family to whom they feel obligated -- grandparents, for instance -- and attempt to reach a compromise,'' Mr. Ashton said.

Setting limits was also important in order to curb manipulation by the extended family.

"Many of us are not good at defining our own limits or setting them, so we end up becoming adjusters and accommodators to the extended family,'' the psychologist explained.

People who flee the Island at Christmas do so because they are unable to set limits if they stay, and that is no solution either.

"The magic word here is balance,'' Mr. Ashton said. "When one household becomes too coercive, too powerful, then that household may get its needs met but the weaker household won't. Too often, children are compromised in fulfilling their parents' needs rather than their own because they are frightened to set limits. This is happening to a lot of us and it need not. It would be better for Christmas and families if people didn't keep playing out the old, well-worn routine.'' Offering choices was helpful in reaching an amicable solution to the Christmas dilemma.

"You don't need to spend all day at grandma and grandpa's, leave after two or three hours,'' Mr. Ashton advised. "Nor do you need to have Christmas dinner with both sets of grandparents. Have Christmas dinner at home. Or, spend the morning at home opening presents and playing with the toys and drop over to grandma and grandpa's for Christmas dinner at 3 p.m.'' The psychologist also felt it was important to set aside spiritual time during the Christmas celebrations.

"Go to a midnight service. Or create a spiritual experience in your own home before going out on Christmas day. Pull out a couple of carols and sing them, read from a Christmas book, have a prayer,'' he said.

PSYCHOLOGIST Mr. Michael Ashton -- "People are uncomfortable with Christmas because they feel pressured to go through usual routines ...''