Each day at The Physical Abuse Centre (PAC), we have men and women coming in to discuss their abusive situations. Each person tends to be more likely to report their own victimisation, but has anybody stopped to think about what it is doing to their children? Violence is a learned behaviour. The cultural beliefs that support the abuse of women are passed on in large part through families. If your children are surrounded by violence, they too, are being abused. Although some women tell us, "He would never hurt the children,'' the children are in fear and in pain if they live with someone who is threatening and controlling.

Children who live in families where there is abuse struggle to survive and find safety. They often feel (or are told by the abuser) that they are responsible for the abuse. The abuser to "get at'' his partner very often uses children. He may threaten to take them, use them physically as weapons, try to turn them against her and pump them for information about where she's been. Children end up walking a tightrope between wanting to please the abuser and wanting to hang on to their mother because she is the safer parent for them.

Children know who to be afraid of in the home, and they feel they must stay on that person's good side in order to stay safe. They may act like the abuser or act as though they like him better than you. It is important to remember that they are afraid. If they know you will not leave them, then they may be more apt to act out their scared and angry feelings towards you because you are safe. If they are afraid of their father, they will try to please him.

If children are preoccupied with fear about what happens at home, they may have a difficult time concentrating whilst at school. They may feel they should be home protecting you. They may run away for fear of coming home at all.

Growing up with denial of the abuse distorts their reality, as it does yours.

If you and the neighbours and relatives all pretend that nothing terrible is happening, your children will learn to doubt that uncomfortable feeling in their stomachs, which says that something is wrong. "Staying for the children'' may mean continuing to keep your children in fear.

Once in their teens, your children may look for thing like alcohol, drugs and food to numb their feelings. Their feelings of powerlessness may be expressed as anger toward you for not being able to protect them. Their beliefs will be influenced by our culture's tendency to blame the victim. They may start acting violently toward you, others, and/or themselves.

TO OUR READERS: If you are being battered, the best thing you can do for your child/children is to be honest with them about the abuse in your lives. Next, begin to think about yourself so you can be a role model for how a person loves and take care of herself. Once you are feeling your own feelings, you become a safe person with whom they can express their feelings. Seek help so you can free yourself and your children from abuse. Call our 24-hour hotline at 297-8278 today! The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of The Family Resource Network, Which consists of The Coalition for the Protection of Children, The Institute of Child and Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Father's Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's Families with a common goal and shared vision.