divorce is painful and difficult because so many dreams are shattered and lives irrevocably changed.

In time, however, many divorcees face the issue of remarriage. Is it wise? Will it work? Is a new partner an automatic passport to happiness? In last week's edition, counsellor and family life specialist Dr. Denise Patton King discussed marital conflict, separation and divorce. This week, her topic is remarriage.

Dr. Patton King holds a Master's degree in counselling from Indiana University, and a doctorate in child development and family studies from Purdue University, Indiana.

For every divorced individual who views remarriage on a "once bitten, twice shy'' basis, there are just as many who see it as a case of "next time lucky''.

Of course, remarriage is no more a question of luck than marriage is. If anything, it requires even more careful consideration than the first union because of the complex problems which step-families may face.

"Many myths surround the formation and existence of step-families,'' Dr.

Patton King said. "Such myths can lead people considering remarriage to hold unrealistic expectations of what their new family life will be, and this can place additional stress on the family.'' Noting that "at least 55 percent'' of remarriages ended in divorce compared to 50 percent of first marriages, the family life specialist said that remarriages where children from a previous relationship were present were even more prone to failure.

Indeed, those contemplating remarriage should be aware that they have many problems facing them.

"Contrary to the mythical expectations of remarriage, new families face a host of problems which require skillful handling,'' Dr. Patton King said.

"These range from what children should call a new step-parent to society's concept of remarriage.'' In relation to 15 problems commonly associated with remarriage, Dr. Patton had these comments: Name for a new parent: "Families often struggle with what to call the step-parent. It has been argued that children using a parent's first name may undermine a good authority relationship and may increase competitiveness.

Affection for new and absent parent: "Children often believe that to love anyone else as your mother or father means being disloyal to one's natural parent. They often think their biological parent will be angry or hurt if they express affection toward a step parent. These issues of divided loyalty can be very stressful, especially for adolescents.'' Loss of natural parent: "Loss triggers a grief reaction. Members of remarriage families must resolve the losses associated with the dissolution of the previous family structure as a prelude to creating a successful remarriage family. They must mourn the loss of the primary family, and parents need to resolve their relationships with their former spouses.'' Instant love of new family members: "There is a belief that feelings of affection develop early in remarried families. Because two adults love one another and choose to marry is no guarantee that they will love each other's children. This expectation is a source of considerable stress in remarriage families.'' Fantasy about the old family structure: "Children of divorced parents are disappointed because remarriage of one of their parents means that the fantasy that their parents will get back together will not occur. This fantasy is often present even when the divorce occurred several years ago. Children who are close to the absent parent and who cling to the fantasy of parental reconciliation are especially likely to have difficulties when parents remarry.'' Discipline by stepparent: "Conflicts over discipline and childrearing rank high on the list of problems in remarriage. Step-parents often take one of three approaches to discipline: Some remain inattentive and disengaged; others become actively involved and overly restrictive; and still others remain tentative, as if `walking on eggshells'.

"None of these strategies is particularly successful. It is important for parents to work out the rules in advance and support one another when the rules need to be enforced.'' Confusion over family roles: "Difficulty arises because the partners in a remarriage received their training in family functioning from two different families of origin while the children have been partially socialised by their first parents. Confusion in roles in remarriage families is very common.

"There is also ambiguity for step-parents because while they have all the rights, duties and obligations of biological parents, their roles could be terminated at any time without any legal rights.

"This role confusion affects men and women in different ways, and research has found the step parent role more difficult for mothers than for fathers, and particularly for stepmothers of adolescent girls. Stepmothers can expect better results by being the child's friend than by trying to become a second mother.

"On a more positive note, stepfathers often have better relationships with stepchildren than their biological fathers do. Stepfathers also adjust more readily than do stepmothers to the step parenting role.'' Sibling conflict: "Sibling rivalries are typical in any family, and in families with a common history are often resolved on the basis of the privilege of age. In remarried families, however, this hierarchy may be unclear, and disputes may remain unresolved.'' Competition for Time: "Children are often jealous of their stepfather when they see him as a rival for the attention of their mother. Research indicates that the greater the amount of contact between the absent parent and the child, the less stress in the remarriage family.'' Society's concept of the remarriage family: "Even though the nuclear family (husband, wife, two children is no longer the norm, other lifestyles are regarded by mainstream society as deviant or inferior substitutes. Remarriage families have not been fully recognised and accepted by many public institutions, including the legal and school systems. Occasions such as parent-teacher meetings, graduations and other family events can cause problems because the school often assumes that the nuclear family is intact and that the child will be living with the biological parent. Step-parents can feel ignored, discounted and uncomfortable on such occasions.'' Family self-concept: Step-parents' expectations of themselves are usually unrealistically high, and they think there is something wrong with their feelings and themselves when things do not go according to plan. The result is anger, guilt, low self-esteem, and a need to conceal these feelings.'' Effects of parenting on new marriages: "Remarriage families are instant families. The couple has had no chance to form a bond nor to prepare for the arrival of children.

"While the marital relationship is important, there is evidence to suggest that satisfaction with the step-parent/stepchildren relationship is more important to family happiness than is satisfaction with marital relationships.

"Individuals embarking in a remarriage need to pay more attention to parenting aspects of the new family rather than on the marriage itself.'' Continuing adult conflict: "Feelings left over from the break-up of the previous marriage may affect the current marriage and create difficulties.

Individuals may not have resolved issues from the previous marriage and may work to gain revenge or hurt the other parent. The child is usually caught in the middle.'' Competition of the non-custodial parent: "Stress in children in remarriage families is often created by the unwillingness of biological parents and step-parents to co-operate over the child's visitation with the absent parent.'' Financial concerns: "Money problems are often a source of conflict in remarriage families. In families with younger parents, conflict about money revolves around child support and alimony.'' Recognising that these were only some of the problems challenging those involved in remarriage, Dr. Patton has formed a therapy group designed specifically for individuals entering remarriage.

"Problems contribute to family disharmony in remarriage families. Group therapy can help individuals and families identify their own issues early and seek their own solutions to them before they become insurmountable problems within the family.'' Dr. Patton King's new group will meet in Hamilton on Thursdays from 12 noon to 1.30 p.m. Each ten-session series will be restricted to six people.

For further information telephone Dr. Patton King at 292-6667.

DR. KING -- Therapy group for remarriage.