This story is about a man who sought assistance from the Physical Abuse Centre (PAC) because he is abusive. He is embarrassed and ashamed of what he has done, but has taken the first step to receive help by coming in for counselling at the PAC. As he sits on the couch with his hands clasped over his face, he begins to tell why he's here.

*** "I remember coming home from school and my father had my mother by the hair.

It was obvious that she had been crying because her mascara was smeared and her face was all puffy. He had a knife in his hand and he said to me `Do you want me to kill your mother? Because I will!' I was crying and begging him not to hurt her.

"He battered her frequently and I never saw her fight back. She was always trying to accommodate him. Sometimes her attempts to please him would work and sometimes they would not.

"My brothers and I frequently got into fist fights, and my dad thought that that was perfectly normal. If we complained or came to him, he would say that we had to settle it like men. I got a lot of my attitudes and beliefs about girls and women from my father. For me to get beat up by a girl in a sports event was the ultimate in humiliation, and my father always told me that you shouldn't hit girls, yet he beat my mother. He died when I was 12 years old.

"Even in the relationships I am involved with now, I have been known to slap my women upside the head now and again, and thought nothing of it. If she didn't like it, I would go out and find one who would, or at least tolerate the abuse for a while.

"After months of counselling at PAC, I waited a long time before I started a new relationship. I wanted to be sure that I had worked through my issues around wanting to control women. I also wanted to be absolutely sure that I would be non-violent in any future relationships.

"I told my current partner about my past. I was a risk, but I felt she should know that I am a batterer. I think it is important to be honest and accountable. Today, with the help of the PAC counsellor, I'm constantly challenging my beliefs about men and women. In my current relationship I try to be aware of my body language, because I'm, a big guy and I have a loud voice. I need to be careful about how I respond to my partner when I'm angry.

I'll always need to monitor myself. The PAC counsellor helped me to realise that in the past I was frightened at the prospect of being rejected by women, so I tended not to give as much or not be too vulnerable for fear that I would get hurt. I think part of it was my upbringing as a male. Men don't share feelings. Men don't cry. Men are supposed to be strong. When I was battering, it never occurred to me that I didn't need the tough-guy image or that relationships with women could be different. Since going to counselling at PAC, I've made these changes in my life -- my relationships with women and men changed. When I'm with men, I'm real aware of sexist comments and attitudes. I don't want superficial relationships with people.

"I'm optimistic that men who batter can change. Some of the changes are small and the process is slow, but I believe it can happen. It's been five years since I battered and I've been violence-free. Yet I still take inventory of what I'm doing in my life.

"It took the help of the PAC counsellor, relatives and friends to help me through this process. It has been a pattern that has been passed down for generations. I am not making excuses for my violent behaviour, but I learned it from my father. What can I say? That familiar phrase keeps ringing in my head, `Children live and learn what they see!''' *** The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of the Family Resource network, which consists of The Coalition for the Protection of Children, The Institute of Child and Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Fathers' Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.