As our children grow and develop, it is our role as parents to help them learn good behaviour.

It is valuable to know and to use a variety of tools that provide children with opportunities to learn.

Discipline is different form punishment. It means "instruct or train''.

Discipline gives parents a chance to instruct or train their children. We believe punishment does not work and can hurt our children.

When you create a home that encourages and rewards good behaviour it will increase your child's self-esteem and make your role as a parent easier.

At first, when you use more positive discipline tools it may be harder to get cooperation from your children. Overtime, these new ways begin to work.

Remember that it can be confusing and discouraging to expect too much too soon of yourself or your children. Below are some tools to help you along: IGNORE: This is a real art! Ignoring behaviours such as bad habits, whining, inappropriate language, and tantrums will not harm our children. It is hard to do nothing, but it is also hard for them to keep up their behaviour without an audience. Hug your child when he or she stops the misbehaviour.

TAKE AWAY PRIVILEGES: Take away a privilege for a short period. If the period lasts for too long resentment build, the child forgets the original wrongdoing and the lesson is lost. Provide opportunities to win back privileges later by doing extra chores, etc. Try to "match'' the removal of the privilege to the action you would like to correct (for example, fighting over television equals loss of television time). Remember to "catch'' our child behaving positively and acknowledge that behaviour.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES: Let the action do the "talking'' (for example, abuse of use of a toy, the toy is taken away for a period of time; writing on the wall with crayons, they wash it off and lose crayons for the day; missed curfew by one hour, one hour subtracted from the next outing). Congratulate your child for choosing appropriate actions and behaviours.

RE-ARRANGE SPACE OR PLACE: Be created to eliminate problems that have been created: (for example, if clothes and toys are a mess, have baskets and low hooks for easier pick up; if school homework is misplaced, have a special table for materials for school; if chores are forgotten, have a chart for who does what and when). Remember to let your child act his or her age.

RE-DIRECT BEHAVIOUR: If one behaviour is a problem, take that energy and provide an opportunity for another positive action: (for example, crayon on wall, give them paper, throwing sand, give them a ball; jumping on sofa, tell them the floor is for jumping). To avoid a day filled with `don'ts', try to say what they CAN do. For example, "We pull the grass, Johnny, not sister's hair'' or "We'll pet kitty gently with our hand like this, not with the toy truck''.

GRANDMA'S RULE: WHEN...THEN: for example, "When you pick up the toys, then you can have the television on'' or "when you come home from school on time, then you can have a friend over''. Use a calm, but firm, tone of voice.

HUMOUR: Try to see the funny side of a child's behaviour, or your own! Laughing with your children relieves stress and is a fun way to gain cooperation.

SHOW THEM: We all receive training for a new job. Patiently show your child what the behaviour should be or how the job or chore should be done appropriately. Patience and practice can turn a child into a wonderful helper.

Reward yourself for your patience! FAMILY MEETINGS: At a regular time each week, have the whole family gather for a family meeting Involve all children. This is a time when everyone can speak freely about their week, their feelings and any other "issues'' and set chore schedules. Make sure you establish simple ground-rules about who talks and when, no interrupting, mutual respect, who takes the "minutes'' and who is timekeeper. Convey the value of family being a team.

TIME OUT: Use time out for dangerous and harmful behaviours like biting, hitting and intentional misbehaviour. The purpose of time out is to isolate a child so he or she may have time to think about his or her misbehaviour. It is not a "punishment'', it is a coping skill that can be used for the rest of their lives: isolate, think and calm down. Follow these guidelines: Keep time out to one minute for every year of age; start with children two years and older; Have them sit in a place away from others; corners are too punishing; Tell them calmly and briefly why they are going to time out and for how long; Use a timer; it saves sanity! When time out is over, start fresh and notice as soon as possible something they do right and comment on it.

Giving yourself time out is helpful, too.

For more helpful parenting tips, contact Parents Anonymous of Bermuda at 292-6148.