facts such as: more than two-thirds don't know the dates of the Civil War, think the start of the First World War was prior to 1900, and are convinced Roosevelt was president during the Vietnam War, while nearly half couldn't name one single Asian country. Apparently their elders have some problems too -- especially with Bermudian geography.

A shop assistant in Dockyard regaled Hester with the tale of the elderly cruise ship passenger who bought a few tasteful souvenirs of her trip to Bermuda -- but took umbrage at being handed a mix of Bermuda and US dollars in her change. She innocently demanded only green ones, because, er, her ship, that was docked in Hamilton was off to the island of St. George's the next day and she wouldn't be able to spend the funny bucks there.

The shop assistant, as tactfully and patiently as possible, explained that, despite what the good people of the esteemed Olde Towne might privately think, it is still legally part of the body politic of Bermuda. Hester wonders, however, if the cruise lines might share some of the blame. It has long been rumoured that, cashing in on the, um, lack of geographical knowledge of the average American, some of their brochures list among the tempting cruise destinations "Hamilton, Bermuda, and St. George's'' -- giving the impression, wholly accidentally, Hester is sure, that it's an extra destination on the trip, albeit just down de country.

Nose runny? Feeling achy? If you were at Trimingham's big sale this weekend, you may have gotten more than you bargained for sifting through the latest Tommy gear or bed & bath furnishings. Hester, who doesn't drink screwdrivers for nothing, hears poor Trims has something of a mini 'flu epidemic going on.

Some sources tell her as many as 42 staff, including the human resources manager, have called in sick due lately to the dreaded 'flu! One could argue pizza delivery is often a real emergency. But Hester hears nurses at King Edward VII Hospital are so peeved to learn pizza deliverers in Bermuda get paid more than them, that to drive home their point for a piece of the pie, they've pinned up a bunch of those job ads for Four Star Pizza which ran in the paper recently promising $21-$23 an hour for delivering pizzas. The Four Star ads have popped up on noticeboards in Emergency and Perry Ward, with nurses bristling at the fact their wages start at a mere $21 an hour -- and with all due respect to the pizza guy, the job's a little more stressful, tougher and requires a degree. However, nurses may be heartened by what Hester's favourite pizza delivery guy told her (though, of course, she rarely indulges in such fattening nosh). "It's false advertising,'' the chap declared, noting that the $21-$23 includes whatever tips the deliverer might get and is more of an "incentive wage'' than an actual wage.

With all that violence and bad news eminating from back home, Premier Jennifer Smith's good chum Jamaican PM P.J. Patterson must have been a little envious of the good life we Onions -- although still not free of the Mother Country -- live up here in the Atlantic.

Indeed, while our MPs are getting raises, new cars and expensive plane seats, Jamaica's are being reined in. Hester can reveal that just before he hopped on the American Airlines flight to Bermuda -- reportedly in economy class -- Patterson froze pay increases and contract renewals for government big shots earning more than US$75,000 a year in response to public outcry. Labour man Patterson ordered the temporary freeze while his Cabinet reviews salaries after he presented a jolting report in parliament revealing some ten percent of government execs earn between US $75,000 and $1.8 million a year. This in an island where the minimum wage is just US$1,300 a year and unemployment exceeds 15 percent! Up here in the real paradise, our people's average salary is $36,000 and unemployment is reckoned to be just three percent.

Royal Gazette political hack Raymond Hainey may have been thinking only of his beloved country when he donned his kilt, and as the rumour goes, not much else, for the PLP's sumptuous conference-closing banquet at the Fairmont Southampton Princess on the weekend. However, the pro-independence Scotsman caused some confusion among revellers who thought he was a wayward bagpiper hired for a function going on in another conference room.

But his stature soon became abundantly clear when a delighted PLP matriarch Dame Lois dispatched a minion over to summon Hainey to sidle up and have his photo taken with her. However, there was no promise of an exclusive with the elusive Premier as the two cosily discussed what a Scotsman really wears under his kilt...Hainey, of course, refused to comment.

Hester hopes her pals in St. George's won't let the entire nation down by not having some well deserved champagne on hand this New Year's Eve for the Premier Jennifer Smith , who has apparently decided that the East End is the place to see in 2000. Hester's told the distinguished St. Georgian has agreed to do the honours at the Olde Towne's going-all-out Y2K bash by lowering the traditional onion at midnight...and this may well be a major highlight of the evening judging by the line-up of events: the local church choir, school bands, glee clubs, "taped music'' 'til 9.30 p.m....then things do pick up with Shine Hayward and Friends followed by the Bermuda National Youth Jazz Ensemble, a comic, limbo dancers and Bermuda's own Pinky Steede. And so you can see what everyone else is doing, there will be live TV from 11.57 until 12.02. Now you know there's not much that would keep Hester away from the East, but for this occasion she'll be in her finest ballgown at the invitation-only blow-out party to christen London's Millennium Dome, the largest in the world. If you don't have connections with Royalty, don't bother trying to wangle an invite too! As an air of intellectuality sweeps over Bermuda College this week, where the second annual Caribbean Literature pow-wow is being held, Hester hears local author extraordinaire and Government MP Dale Butler is incensed with organisers for apparently snubbing him. It seems Mr. B -- who if anything is at least prolific -- has not been included at all in the programme, which features only two Bermudian speakers anyway -- Kim Dismont Robinson and Dr.

Clarence Maxwell , and boasts such, um, diverse topics as "Feminist Discourse and Representation of the Female Body in the Narrative'', "Traversing the Fictive Path of Maryse Conde'' and "Afro-Christian Heteroglossia in the West Indian Novel''. Heavy stuff, even for Hester! She's told Mr. Butler -- author of a good 20 Bermuda books in 20 years, gave organiser Rawle Frederick one heck of a piece of his mind before the conference got underway this week and is still sulking...but perhaps news that his young son has won the Dean's Prize for Most Outstanding Student at Oxford University's summer school will cheer him up considerably.

Hester hates to finish on this note, but surely the award for the most arrogant man of the year must go to the Island's self appointed healer of racism and spokesman for all issues pertaining to Bermuda, Sanders Frith-Brown . In a recent interview with the SUNshine tabloid he was asked what his single biggest flaw was. Frith-Brown in all seriousness actually replied: "I don't have many...I don't have many weaknesses...I would be the best Premier that Bermuda has ever had. The only person close to me as an administrator was David Saul but I have more people skills that he does...I am gifted.'' He does modestly offer: "But I don't think I am the only gifted person in Bermuda.'' Hester wonders if Sandy was asleep in church when they got to the part about the meek inheriting the Earth...or perhaps he is working on a new and improved religion as well.

Not invited: Dale Butler MP