A significant portion of the children who are referred to the Coalition for the Protection of Children for emotional or behavioural problems have been impacted by separation or divorce.

Our experience with these children has lead us to develop guidelines to help parents navigate this difficult process in a way that minimising the emotional trauma to the children.

Separation and divorce drastically change family relationships. These changes effect all family members, including and especially, children from infants to teens.

Whether your separation/divorce results in serious emotional problems or minimal disruption for your child depends on how much conflict there is between you and the other parent. Research shows that children in high conflict family situations, where there is a lot of anger and fighting (verbal and/or physical) do not do well.

Children cope with parental separation and divorce in fairly consistent age patterns. their reactions and ability to deal w ith the separation/divorce depends on their age, maturity and the amount of conflict between the parents.

All children require love, stability and care to grow into healthy, mature adults. Parents act as role models, limit setters, sources of stability and security. When these roles break down, so does a child's world.

If you are wondering how you are doing, ask yourself these questions: 1. Have I used the children to carry messages, especially negative ones, instead of being up front and direct with the other parent? 2. Have I cross-examined the children in detail about what the other parent is doing and saying? 3. Do I cancel visits or change arrangements to spite the other parent? 4. Do I argue with the other parent in front of the children? 5. Have I complained to the children that the other parent isn't making support payments on time or is selfish or immoral or doesn't really love them? 6. When I'm angry have I accused the children of being just like the other parent? 7. Have I in any way discouraged the children from loving and wanting to be with the other parent? 8. Have I hinted I will stop loving the children if they express affection for the other parent or his or her new partner? 9. Have I complained to the children about my problem, my financial and legal worries, and my feelings of loneliness and depression? 10. Have I expected the children to comfort me instead of looking to other adults or finding professional help for myself? Here are some things that Vicki Lansky suggests in her book, "Divorce Book for Parents''.

Tell your children that: "You are not responsible in anyway for the divorce.'' "We are divorcing each other; we are not divorcing you.'' "We are sad that this is happening, and we are sorry about it for your sake and for ours.'' "You will always be cared for and protected.'' "You are not going to be asked to take sides with either parent.'' "Our decision to separate has been made; you cannot change that.'' "The fact that Mom and Dad aren't suited for each other any longer doesn't mean that we aren't suited to be your parents. We can be a mother and father to you without being husband and wife to each other.'' "Even good parents get divorced, and we can continue being good parents to you.'' "We seem to have problems we just can't work out. We both feel badly about it.'' "We loved each other when you where born. We loved you when you where born and we love you now. That will never change.'' Children of divorce "Feelings of love between adults can change, but the lasting bond between a parent and a child is different and special kind of love.'' "Neither Mom or Dad will ever stop loving you, however faraway either of us may live.'' "You may find this painful and difficult now, but you will feel better again.

Happiness id down the road. Trust me.'' Sheelagh Cooper is the founder of the Coalition for the Protection of Children. The Coalition is part of the Family Resource Network whose members contribute "Family Matters'' every Thursday.