children, etc., are all seeking to establish satisfying relationships. These relationships require intimacy, or "in-to-me-see.'' Intimacy or positive, deep relationships don't just happen automatically. They need to be developed.

Simply living in the same house, being related to each other or even working or seeing each other everyday, does not guarantee that bonding is inevitable.

How is intimacy developed in relationships? Dr. David Ferguson in his book, The Pursuit of Intimacy, describes four important ingredients that can assist in the bonding process.

1: Affectionate caring -- I care about you. This involves wanting to know someone, entering their world of activities, plans, dreams, pain, strengths and weaknesses. It is being available to meet needs like encouragement and approval.

2: Vulnerable Communication -- I trust you. This involves more than talking about the weather, politics or sports. Rather, it encompasses issues of the heart of sharing feelings, fears, and aspirations. It means trusting that while sharing, confidences will be kept and acceptance of each other will still flow even when the heart is transparent.

3: Joint Accomplishment -- I need you. Intimacy involves togetherness.

Relationships are deepened when loved ones accomplish projects together.

Bonding is deepened by spending time together, needing each other through good and bad times.

4: Mutual giving -- I love you. Relationships continue to grow as each one concentrates on giving rather than taking. Satisfaction is experienced when each one seeks to fulfil the needs of others.

Significant relationships struggle without these intimacy ingredients.

Spouses, parents and children will trust if they sense caring, they will express their needs if they know that they can trust, and will give more readily if they sense they are needed. Here are a few specific needs that can be met: 1 -- Acceptance: I know you're not perfect, but I value you and love you anyway.

2 -- Appreciation: I will praise for a job well done and express thanks for help received.

3 -- Consideration: I will do what will make someone happy, even if I don't feel like it.

4 -- Compassion: I will show that I am concerned about my loved ones who feel sad.

5 -- Confession: I will say sorry when I've hurt someone's feeling, even if it was unintentional.

6 -- Affection: I will give a caring touch to express my love.

7 -- Support: I will stick beside you and gently help you with your dreams issues, and projects.

8 -- Security: I will strive to exhibit a peaceful spirit to bring harmony and a sense of belonging.

9 -- Respect: I will value you and your opinions.

10 -- Encouragement: I will persuade you toward your goals and compliment your achievements.

These suggestions certainly require each one to stretch `above and beyond the call of duty.' Since the norm is to give if we are given to, it is usually quite challenging to establish intimacy in this manner. However, these thoughts are intended to encourage you to reach out to love in ways that perhaps have not often been consistently tried. Positive, meaningful, fulfilling relationships require constant work. They are not encountered automatically.

There are times when a relationship experiences too much pain so that partners or family members are not able to experience intimacy with each other.

Counselling could be a great value to assist in healing past hurts that are blocking positive emotions. The Institute of Child and Family Health would be privileged to help you. So, begin your journey to more productive relationships. Be encouraged and rise to the challenge of achieving intimacy by sharing this mutual, unconditional love. Intimacy is a gift that you deserve! The Institute of Child & Family Health is one of five contributing agencies to the Family Matters column. All five agencies form the umbrella group the FRN -- Family Resource Network help families in Bermuda.

By Saadia Bean, the Institute of Child and Family Health.