It may come as a surprise to some Bermudians to learn that when newcomers first arrive here, it can be a traumatic, rather than a happy experience.

Especially if you have grown up in the crisp, cool air of the Canadian mountains, or the dry expanses of the western deserts. Worse still, if you cannot speak English.

While just about everyone `oohs' and `aahs' over the spectacular scenery, women, especially, often find that the day to day business of running a home in a hot and humid climate -- or even applying your make-up -- can suddenly become a problem.

But, never fear. A cup of tea with Tracey should set you right. A chance to chat with someone who, as it were, knows the ropes in dealing with life in an alien land.

Mrs. Tracey Caswell, who came to Bermuda as a bride some ten years ago, lived through some of those problems. Soon, she found herself offering advice -- and often comfort -- to the Island's newcomers. As a Canadian who had married a Bermudian, she had never forgotten the shock of her first, humid summer on the island, when it was the norm to wake up in damp bedclothes, patter about on damp carpets, discovering the butter could be poured out of its dish -- if the cockroaches hadn't got there first, and the surprise in finding that even the refrigerator was sweating.

Gradually, however, her tea sessions, with more and more new arrivals (a few men as well as women) on her doorstep, were beginning to take her life over.

Why not, suggested her friends, write a book, a woman's guide to survival? Now she has, and `Tea with Tracey' has just gone on sale in Bermuda's bookstores.

Some of the chapter headings give a fair idea of the multitude of problems that Tracey Caswell deals with so efficiently -- and humorously -- in her `tea' sessions. These include: mildew (of course), food (and Bermuda's seasonal embargoes), how to keep cool in hot weather, the fun -- and problems -- in entertaining visitors (lots, if you are living on a paradise isle), cockroaches and chameleons, bikes (and the Island's strict speed limits), and a host of other topics. Another title for her book might have been, `All You Ever Wanted to Know about Bermuda -- But Were Afraid to Ask'.

Written in a chatty, humorous style, this is a book that tells you all the things that are never written in the glossy brochures and tour guides. It should be required reading for all new arrivals or, even better, mailed to all the prospective employees and their spouses who are to be posted to Bermuda.

The reason why her book is directed primarily, but not exclusively, at females is, she says, because it is still mostly the women who have to run the house and look after spouse and family. And because of Bermuda's Immigration laws, the majority of expatriate wives, not allowed to pursue their careers, find that they have perhaps more time on their hands than they might wish. This, says Mrs. Caswell, can cause extra stress for the woman who is used to having a demanding and time-consuming job.

To her surprise, however, she found that men have also found her book very useful. As she `tested' it on several newly arrived male friends and acquaintances, they were loud in their praise. Several of their testimonials appear on the back cover. As `Tony', from Nova Scotia wrote: "My first week in Bermuda was a nightmare. My second a welcome improvement. My third -- fantastic! But if it hadn't been for Tracey's sensible coping techniques, I would have been on the next plane back to Canada. Read this invaluable survival guide before you decide Bermuda is not for you.'' As a general rule, Mrs. Caswell advises that it takes at least a year to adapt to life in Bermuda.

"Coming to Bermuda is a marvellous adventure, so if you're going to make the most of it, it's important to find a way of getting over the pot-holes! Fill them in with a bit of fun, so that you can look at them in a different way, so that it's all part of the big adventure. Try not to get bogged down in the trivia. This is an experience you will be able to tell your grandchildren about!'' The illustrations, and attractive cover (in Bermuda pink, of course) designed by Sheila Semos, manages to incorporate some of the pleasures and pitfalls that Tracey Caswell writes about in her book. Beside the decorative tea china, there is a `Bermudian' garland of rum swizzles, onions, `morning glories', crabs, toads, tree frogs, cats and ants.

"What I wanted to do in this book,'' explains Mrs. Caswell, "is to warn people that it can be stressful. Without question, it is a woman to woman chat, so I wouldn't call it a new residents' guide -- although a lot of people pressured me to do that.'' It was important, she says, not to hurt any feelings. "I wanted to be sensitive to Bermudians, and I feel that the humour, lightness and fun does come through.'' She appeals to the inherent good nature of the Bermudian people to spare a thought for those newcomers who are confused by what is, for them, a new way of life.

"A lot of Bermudians will never have even an idea that these `settling in' problems exist. But I would ask them to try and imagine how they would feel if they suddenly had to go and live on top of a mountain, or out on the prairies.

They would be grateful if someone came along and told them not to go out when it's 40 below freezing, to get the furnace cleaned and buy snow tyres. These are all things you would never know about, unless you lived there, and it's the same in Bermuda. So I hope that Bermudians will take a little time out to try and help the newcomer.'' Very short-time visitors would probably not encounter many, if any of the problems Tracey discusses in her book, but for anyone staying more than two or three months, this gem of a paperback should be kept in a handy place in every `expatriate' kitchen. Locals should enjoy reading it as well.

`Tea With Tracey', published and printed in Bermuda by Print Link Ltd., is on sale at major bookstores and gift shops throughout the Island. The cost is $15, or can be obtained in 20-copy packs, at $200 per pack.

TEA WITH TRACEY -- Mrs. Tracey Caswell holds up her new book, `Tea With Tracey'. Sub-titled `The Woman's Survival Guide to Bermuda', the book helps newcomers to the Island learn to cope with all things Bermudian.