The original version of this story which appeared in RG Magazine was never sent to the LIBRARY, this is the unedited version.

Lord Alfred Douglas called it "THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME''. In Bermuda, where the homosexual act still carries the threat of a prison sentence, gays are forced to live a life of secrecy. For many, coming to terms with their sexuality has been a painful journey, often resulting in the loss of friends, family and even jobs. Here, for the first time, they talk about the pain and prejudice of being gay in Bermuda. (Names used throughout this story, unless otherwise stated, have been changed to protect privacy.) Adam waited until his late 20s to `come out' to his parents. He probably wouldn't have told them then, but it was inevitable they would find out as he was already involved in a relationship with another man. When he simply sat down and said "I'm gay'', they were shocked and very upset. They had no idea.

Adam had dated women for years. After a few minutes had past, they told him he could still marry and have children anyway.

That meeting marked the end of virtually all contact with his parents for more than a year. At least, he never stepped foot in their house, nor they in his house. Not for more than 12 months.

At work, the situation wasn't much different. When his sexuality became known to his employers (he never told them), he was effectively squeezed out of his job. He wasn't fired outright, but it was clear that if he was going to lead such a `flamboyant' life outside of work, he was not going to be eligible for further promotion.

"What it boiled down to was this: I was told that my lifestyle was not really in keeping with the image my employer was trying to project. I asked if what I did outside of work was a problem and the answer was `No, absolutely not.' Yet when push came to shove, they said, `Get rid of him'.

"In Bermuda, you are expected to conform, regardless of your `problems'. You keep a stiff upper lip and for God's sake, don't let the neighbours know.'' It seems virtually impossible that in a community as tiny as Bermuda's, there could be a whole section of the population, estimated at between 7,000 and 10,000, living in secret. And yet, for the Island's gay population, that's what life is all about.

Gays in Bermuda are forced to hide their sexuality from just about anyone who is not `like' them, and conform in virtually every other situation. Sure, some `come out' to family members, maybe a few friends, but often the subject is never raised a second time. There are many more on the Island who have never openly admitted they are gay. They've kept it locked inside, so no one else will ever know the truth.

Homosexuality is one of today's most taboo topics. People are afraid to talk about it, and until now, it has rarely been mentioned publicly. While almost everyone has an opinion on the subject, most people are reluctant to call it by its very name. It was once described as "the love that dare not speak its name.'' Lord Alfred Douglas had written that exactly 100 years ago, in 1893, in a poem he was sending to his gay lover Oscar Wilde, the famous British playwright and novelist. The two had carried on a notorious love affair which resulted in Wilde being sentenced to two years in prison with hard labour at England's Reading Gaol for committing indecent acts. "It is no use for me to address you,'' the judge said to Wilde. "People who can do these things must be dead to all sense of shame, and one cannot hope to produce any effect upon them. It is the worst case I have every tried. I shall, under the circumstances, be expected to pass the severest sentence that the law allows.

In my judgment it is totally inadequate for such a case as this.'' Of course, much has changed in Britain since then -- homosexual sex is no longer illegal.

But little, it seems, has changed in Bermuda. Homosexual sex between men (women are not addressed under the law) is illegal and can cost a man up to two years in jail. While the section of the Criminal Code that deals with homosexual sex between males, section 179, has been on the law books since 1907, there have been relatively few convictions. Any cases that have gone to court have been heard in Magistrates' Court and have resulted in the defendants being fined, rather than jailed. Bermuda's Attorney General Walter Maddocks points out that `indecent' acts of sex between men can also fall under another section of the Criminal Code, section 177, which deals with buggery, and carries a maximum 10 year prison term. But he adds that a determining factor in preparing a case for trial is whether or not it is in the public interest to prosecute.

And while it does not appear that the Bermuda Police have had any policy of `hunting down' gays, at least over the last 20 years, the official comment is that homosexual acts between males are still illegal. It should be noted that the majority of arrests for indecency have been the result of offences in public and usually during daylight hours, mostly on Bermuda's public beaches, well known as pick-up spots for gays. Two plainclothed Police officers are assigned to beach patrol on a full-time basis every summer, but they are there to be on the watch for all crimes, not just indecent acts. While some gays have complained about Police harassment or entrapment of gays, others admit that anyone, gay or straight, who is openly having sex or attempting to have sex in public is simply looking for trouble. And so, providing that Police maintain what seems to be an unofficial hands-off approach to homosexuality, gays having private relations will most likely be left alone.

But with the law still intact, the threat of prosecution remains very real for the gay community.

The legal issue aside, there will likely be little change in the way gays feel they are victimised by a society which sees homosexuality as a wrong. It doesn't really matter what form the discrimination takes, whether it is on religious or moral grounds, the fact is, it is there. And it keeps gays from `coming out' publicly. Their fear of rejection, of being embarrassed publicly, has meant that gays have remained in the closet.

"Where I used to work, I was constantly harassed,'' says Bob, 26 and black.

"I think the last straw was my supervisor told me to get my `black faggot ass' into her office. That was the end. I wasn't going to take it anymore.

"It went on for a long time too. Once they found out I was gay, that was it.

Every morning, when I came into work, if I was five minutes early, she (the supervisor) would say, `What's going on did you have a lovers quarrel?'. Or if I was late, she would say, `Did you and your lover sleep in this morning?' "I just couldn't win. I would consistently get excellent reports about my work, and yet my supervisor told me that my work could have been better if I had been straight. So finally I just handed in my notice. And you know what she said ... she said, `Why are you leaving? Is it because your lover is leaving the Island?' "That's the thing about Bermuda. It's would be more acceptable if I went into work and said I got falling down drunk last night than if I said I went out for a nice dinner with my (gay) lover last night.'' The situation for Cathy is not much better. Though she is a woman, and homosexual acts between females are not addressed under the Criminal Code, life is no easier. It wasn't until after the break-up of a ten year relationship with another younger women that she finally came out and told her mother.

"I had to deal with the break-up by myself. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Looking back on it, I don't think I was very sensible about integrating my lover into my family. So after it ended, that's when I decided to tell my mother. I think she already knew, but I never said anything before because the thought of rejection was really more than I could bear.'' Daniel, a soft-spoken black Bermudians in his 30s, knew from a very early age he was `different'. "When I was really young, I used to like to play with my sisters' dolls -- they always called me a sissy. And I distinctly remember that every time we played this game, I was the wife every time. Things like that made me realise I was different.

"Then when I was a few years older, I went to this church camp. One of the directors said he wanted to take me for a walk, and when we were out of sight, he molested me. The funny thing was that I remember thinking two things: one that there was a place for people like me in society, and two, that men were interested in other men.'' When Daniel finally found the courage to tell his mother he was gay, she took the news calmly. "The thing was though that she immediately suggested I needed counselling, that it might help me to change. She also insisted I see a women counsellor.'' For Adam, coming from a white middle class family with conservative values, homosexuality was hardly something that was expected from him. He fought with his own feelings for years before succumbing to the fact that he was gay. He thinks he knew when he was a teenager, but continued to date women anyway. His parents' reaction, together with the need to keep his sexuality from becoming public knowledge, has made him resentful in a way. Resentful of the fact that he felt he could not come out and tell his family earlier, and perhaps that even when he did tell them, they refused to acknowledge it, accept it, or even talk to him about it for more than a year.

"You can't pretend that homosexuality doesn't exist in Bermuda or that it's going to go away,'' he says. "We live in a closeted community, in a community where women are abused, children are molested, and gays live in secret. There are drugs, there is AIDS, there is alcoholism. But because we are a tourist destination, everything is brushed under the carpet. Why? As everyone else keeps saying: `Because they (the tourists) don't want to read that on the front page!' "I really don't think my case is so unusual. In Bermuda, there is wide open discrimination against gays, against women, against blacks. It is a very hypocritical society. The church leaders, the politicians, the gays, everyone is leading a double life. It is a society that has forced people to be hypocrites. It forced gays into the kind of life they are living. It has not permitted people to be comfortable about their life, or to socially adjust.'' One middle-aged Bermudian man, who had no idea until his 20s that he was gay, says worst of all the "hatred and prejudice'' is the way gays are expected to marry, like it or not, in order to secure continued family support.

"The society of the majority supports its own preferred kind of personal relationships. The institution of marriage is surrounded by support, legal, social and financial. Once in it, it is quite hard and quite expensive to get out of it. There is nothing wrong and much right with this, particularly in providing a stable background for children. The support runs over to childless married backgrounds.

"This support, illogically, starts to run short for unmarried heterosexual couples with or without children. This illogic is strengthened tenfold when it comes to same sex couples.'' No matter what a persons' personal or family circumstances, there seems to be discrimination across the board, whether rich, poor, male, female, black, white or whatever racial background. The only differences seem to be by generation. Gays today for the most part realise their sexuality at a much younger age, even as early as pre-adolescent years, and in some cases can handle it better. For those who grew up a few decades ago, homosexuality was something that a person may not have realised until his er 20s or even later, perhaps because sex itself was rarely discussed. One gay says of his own experience growing up during the Second World War: "What happens is that you grow up just like everyone else. Then you find out you are gay. There is a big difference.'' The fight for gays to get equal rights in Bermuda began in earnest in 1971 when a committee of politicians led by UBP backbencher Dr. John Stubbs and including politicians, lawyers and churchmen, unanimously agreed to repeal the law relating to homosexuality. Their move, however, was rejected by Parliament. It was raised again in 1971, when a private bill was brought before Parliament. It too, however, was defeated by a vote of 16 to 14, and nothing more was said. Even now, 22 years later, there seems to be little cohesion within the gay community. Gays seem unwilling to stand up and fight for themselves, as that would mean revealing their identity. And so the fight goes on ... in secret.

Martin Smith, however, believes there is a momentum gaining in the gay community, and that change is not far off. "My personal opinion is that the gay community appears to be highly disorganised, but I think it is getting organised,'' says Smith, who formed the Allan Vincent Smith Foundation, an AIDS service organisation, in memory of his homosexual son Allan who died of AIDS in September 1991. "I really don't think people realise the strength of the gay community.'' Speaking on the success of a service held at the Anglican Cathedral in December in honour of World AIDS Day, he says: "It would never have turned out the way it did, had it not been for the work of the gay community, by a group of people working silently and in the dark to make it happen in the beautiful way it did.

"I don't know who these people are, and it doesn't matter. These people have done very, very well for the benefit of the community as a whole. They are people who are not trying to get credit. All they want is recognition so they can live their lives in a style where they are free to follow their own consciences and exercise their rights.

"I just can't figure out why people are singled out because of their sexuality. Homosexuality is not about choice. It is not a disease.'' With United States activists now entering the picture, Bermuda's gay community may not in the end have to fight its own fight. New Jersey human rights advocate Bill Courson says that together with the San Francisco-based International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC), is prepared to take the matter as far as possible, even if it means going to the United Nations, to get a equal rights for gays.

Russ Gage, one of the founders of the IGLHRC, believes that for the law to be repealed, it will take a Member of Parliament "stepping out on his own and taking a stand''. "I think your MPs in Bermuda are going to have to put their personal feelings aside and say, `Yes, this is a human rights issue'. I am optimistic that something will be done. My only fear is that people will agree with the points we are making, but find other reasons, political reasons like the economy, to put it off.'' Courson, who as a volunteer international human rights advocate turned his attention to Bermuda early last year, says he is confident the Bermuda Government will repeal the law. "I have no reason to believe that Bermuda is less observant of the law than any other country. It is in everyone's interest, most especially the Government of Bermuda, that the law is changed in Bermuda.'' If not, however, Courson, along with Gage, will continue to push. The IGLHRC has already begun a letter-writing campaign through its bi-monthly Emergency Network Responce newsletter, which is sent to 2,000 human rights organisations, elected and appointed officials, and student groups worldwide.

The January ebruary issue featured Bermuda as a violator of gay rights, and asked people to write to the governments of Bermuda and the UK to lobby for change.

TWO: Sexual issues, no matter what they are, are very taboo topics. Yet Bermuda is a very, very promiscuous society.

THREE: When I confessed in the church that I was gay, I was told that it was wrong and to keep it to myself. That's what the culture in Bermuda seems to condone.

FOUR: There are a lot of gay people in the airline business.

Being gay is not something that's brought up.

TWO:The service industries attract gays because they're more accepting of homosexuality. And gay people tend to be very service oriented.

FIVE: The hotel business is not the kind of industry that perpetuates moral issues.

ONE: Banks are the pillar of the Bermudian establishment. They see themselves as being the moral arbiters. You get married even if you are gay and you disappear and go somewhere else to do what you have to do. The banks have a great deal of clout.

SIX: I worked in the establishment, in the bank. But I left when I just could not tolerate it any more. The last straw was when my supervisor said: `Get your black faggot ass in here'. That was it. Now I work in a hotel. I see tourists every day, and they don't care. We get lots of gay guests and they recognise you right away. They feel comfortable and I feel comfortable.

ONE: When I travel, in hotels and cruise ships, there are gays and straights, and they are very comfortable together. The gay tourist market has enormous potential for Bermuda. Espeically in North America.

THREE: MMM and I have been together for 7 1 years. Our closest firends are heterosexuals but they are not from Bermuda. Our two closest friends are heterosexual males. I am an accountant and my employer made me redundant, but he hired me back. MMMM is part of everything that goes on in my office. I have made people feel comfortable with it. But then, I've not met any of his chums from work.

ONE: But you have to remember that you have no family, no real connection here. When I left Bermuda to go and work for the company in England, I had been dating men and women. I thought this would be a real opportunity for me to go and get fully into the gay society. I did, but even coming back to Bermuda, you have to moderate your lifestyle.

THREE: Maybe foreign gays have it easier in Bermuda.

FIVE: I began a gay relationship, and I lived with someone for ten years.

To start that when you're already estabvlished in a community is a problem.

People would say `Oh that girl, look what she's doing to her poor mother.

FIVE: I started a new relationship this summer, and I couldn't care less what anyone thinks. I kissed my lover in the school parking lot, while another older woman watch. It doesn't make it any more acceptable that it is not illegal for women to have gay sex.

THREE: We have a law that treats homosexuals as an abomination. We can't begin to approach gay rights unless and until the law is changed. If there was to be a gay protest, and I doubt there ever would be, 80 percent of it would be the expatriate community.

SEVEN: 28 years old. I have a similar sort of background. When I was 15, I pretty well knew that I was gay. But it's never been something that's discussed. My mother has used my sexuality as a basis for arguments with me.

She's not a diehard Christian. I feel that if it's necessary, I'll alienate myself from my family.

I think what has to happen in my family is that we have to develop a mutual respect. I won't flaunt my sexuality. I really just frustrated at my inability to be who I am.

FOUR: I knew when I was five. I ddin't come out to my parents until I was 34 or 35. Now I'm 42. One night my mother broched the subject, and said yes I was gay. She freaked out. My older brother is okay about it, but my younger brother never talks about it at all. I would never bring someone home. I'm afraid of what they'd do. They don't need that kind of thing at their age. I'm very closeted about my life. I'm not ashamed of I just don't think I have to shove it in their face.

FIVE: I remember having crushes on older women, now that I look back. When I was in college, in my freshman year and my sophomore year, I had a roomate that was gay and she was coming to terms with it then. I became good friends with an older woman, and I remember that I started to think about her, and then I started asking myself why. All my other friendships fell by the wayside. I didn't feel physically attracted to her. If she hadn't come on to me to begin with, I'm not sure I ever would have realised I was gay. But when we first had sexual relations I remember thinking Wow, this is great.. I also remember thinking that I couldn't tell anyone. ONE: I think it's probably easier to be single and gay than be part of a gay couple. That way no one around you actually has to face the fact that your gay. When I first told my parents it was out of necessity.

I live my own life the way I choose, and they have to accept it. At some point sure I'll come out publicly, but in the meantime, I don't want to break the law. I don't think that's acceptable. Bermuda has a staggering rate of HIV infection. But people are concerned after the fact, and they don't want to know what the behaviour was that lead to it. There isn't one organisation that's concerned with drug users and homosexuals.

TWO: I came to bermuda knowing about the lack of progression where gays are concerned. What I didn't realise is how hard it would be to break into the `inner circle' of the gay community. Even then you have to be cautious all the time about who you're talking to and who you open up to. I spent my first year here thinking I was one of only a few gay people here.

In Atlanta, where I'm from, I knew at the age of 8 that I was gay. My parents were generally disappointed. I think they thought I was missing out on what they thought was life's normal lifestyle. AFTER 7's comment about inability to be who he is...........

FOUR: But we all have to play the game. If I could solve it I would. I don't know what the answer is.

TWO: I have a son. I lived with a women for a while. I have a brother who is gay, he has two sons.Everyone called us fairies at school. My mom's cool with it.If one of us has a problem, we call, and its okay. FROM TORONTO. GIRL NUMBER TWO: Homosexuality is not about sex.

*l RG MAGAZINE MARCH 1993