plight of fathers. This focuses attention on fathers' rights, an important and fundamental issue. However, even more important are the children's rights as they suffer the most when they are separated or alienated from their fathers.

A Family Court magistrate was recently criticised for requiring mothers to allow fathers access and visitation. While we at The Fathers' Resource Centre applaud this, it also makes us sad. Visitation is for criminals not for children.

One child who is now a woman said: "I went into court with two parents and came out with only one. I used to see my dad every day but that time was relegated to every other weekend.'' How many other children are forced to suffer the terrible injustice of losing a parent because of the limits of our court system? No individual judge or magistrate is to blame, but it appears the system almost requires that children becomes pawns in a game of winner take all. Whatever the outcome, there are no winners and our children are the big long-term losers.

The conventional wisdom is that children need stability in their life and that when a couple breaks up it is better for the children to live with one parent who has the ultimate say. This is called `care and control'. Both parents may have custody under what is commonly known as joint custody but it is the parent with `care and control' who is the "real'' parent.

In my opinion, mediation would be a far better solution for all concerned, but this is not the norm. Most parents do not realise the effects of divorce on their children. While most parents love their children they would be horrified if they truly understood how devastating divorce is on children.

Care and control means no reading stories at bedtime, no kiss goodnight, no good morning hugs, no helping with homework from the parent with weekend access. This leaves a critical, though often undiscerned, gap in a child's life.

We at The Fathers' Resource Centre would like to see the law clearly state that the gender of the parent is not to be a factor in determining custody (care and control). Ultimately we would like to see a presumption of joint custody and joint care and control. Both parents, when acting as responsible adults, are equally important and should have an equal say in the decisions that affect their children. Exceptions should of course be made where joint custody is clearly not in the best interest of the children.

The time, emotional energy and (money/resources) parents now spend in custody battles would be better spent in determining a parenting plan. Custody battles further alienate parents from each other and make it very difficult for them to work together for the good of their children. In one divorce case of note, a court awarded care and control to the father, on the mother's request. He was a little disturbed by the development because he assumed the children would live with their mother. Her reasoning was this; she thought that if the children lived with her, they would rarely spend time with their dad. He may not put the effort into building a relationship with them. It was best for the children to live with him because he would be forced to spend time with his children and would become a caring, responsible parent. She knew she would see the children regularly, thus giving them the two-parent support that children so desperately need.

Written by Alvin Goulbourne, founder The Father's Resource Centre. One of five registered charities of the Family Network.