tell them something. First they cut their budget by six figures, then they raise the possibility of jumping into bed with the Caribbean, and then officials at the national tourism conference last week, to which Hester sneaked in, appeared to completely forget the existence of our Europe tourism director Ian Parker .

While North American director of sales Toby Dillas did a real nice roll call of all the Tourism Department's overseas big cheeses, poor old Mr. Parker -- who, Hester was told, had actually left his sick bed to make the big get together at the BUEI -- was left unannounced and sitting in his seat...a case of out of sight, out of mind, perhaps? Meanwhile, our globe trotting Tourism Minister David Allen -- who by the way is off the Island at present in case you were wondering -- regaled the audience at the national tourism conference with his version of "Bermuda Shorts''.

Working the audience like a good warm up comedian, the chatty Minister told a story of a tourism event in a Midwest city -- at such shows the Royal Gazette has observed that Bermuda shorts of the pastel hue are standard uniform, rain or shine.

Anyway, our Minister bounded off the plane in his snazzy knee lengths, only to see his entire crew wearing, horror of horrors, long trousers. Aaagh! Before he could blow a fuse, and issue a curt directive that shorts must be shown at all times, a senior tourism staffer confessed they'd been cold...and started to peel off his trousers, revealing underneath a pair of pink shorts, leaving the Minister beaming from ear to ear.

Speaking of pink...even though Hester herself prefers to totter quickly across the road when she sees a beggar coming, she can conjure up some sympathy for them .

She's been reading with interest about the recent spate of beggars who've landed in court in what appears to be some sort of vagabond sweep. One caught her eye, the case of poor old Jynx Darrell (now spending 90 days behind bars), caught begging from visiting schoolboys and former Pink Beach manager and Flatts Village lobbyist Toppy Cowen . Apparently Darrell asked Toppy for a dollar to buy a cup of coffee (not even a Cafe Mocha with skim), and even followed him into a park loo to get the change. But Toppy refused, and then complained to the Police.

But in Hester's humble opinion the community activist went a little too far when he later moaned, "Some of us are getting tired of the rhetoric about the underprivileged who require assistance because they cannot help themselves...people that are hounded on a daily basis for a dollar for a cup of coffee are saying enough is enough!'' Come now Toppy, it's almost on a daily basis you hound the Press for free publicity on Flatts Village etc. And PS: She hears some of her hack friends are saying `enough is enough of this glorified begging!'.

Tongue twisted, mincing your words, whatever you want to call it...VSB veteran Bryan Darby got a severe case of noodles in his mouth whilst presenting the lunchtime news on Wednesday. He started with the headline, and Hester quotes directly, "Nurses promote organ dining...'' before correcting it to "organ donating''. Hester knows theme restaurants are all the rage, but you can keep your offal, whether it plays a tune or not''.

Even though they just might be taking their cue from Bermudatourism.com, which has had a sign saying the site is being updated for many months now, Hester thinks it's high time some of these Bermie websites update their info, because going by one popular Bermuda webite the Margaret Rose, Mikado, Jolly Lobster and Chancery Wine Bar are still around.

And if you fancy Chinese, you can go to the New Queen! Hasn't that memorable establishment been closed five years now? But what gave Hester the biggest chuckle was the website's description of The Buckeroo as a "moderately priced restaurant'' serving beer and wine.

Actually, Hester thinks a more accurate description of her favourite place for gathering gossip (you'd be amazed at who chows on a burger there lunchtimes) is "specialty restaurant''! But you'll have to bring your own booze.