As the old saying goes, it's the `real' Bermuda triangle -- a husband, a wife, and the "other person''.

There are some who claim that rates of infidelity in Bermuda have reached epidemic proportions despite the emotional toll on the spouse and the risk of deadly sexually transmitted diseases.

But although affairs seem to be common enough on the Island, it's a subject that's not openly addressed because of its sensitivity.

Royal Gazette reporter Kim Dismont Robinson interviewed four people on the subject of infidelity -- a husband with an unfaithful wife, a woman who dated married men, a man who cheated on his wife, and a psychologist.

The names of the people who agreed to be interviewed for this article have been changed to protect their privacy.

1 The cheated husband "Anthony'' is a 33-year-old Bermudian who has been divorced for two years following a five-year marriage.

Although many women are under the impression that "men are dogs'', Anthony said that he was completely loyal to his wife throughout their entire marriage -- and she was the one who strayed.

Anthony said differences in culture and age contributed to his wife's infidelity and the eventual break-up of the marriage.

"I married a girl who was younger than me, and she came from a working-class background -- but when she saw the money you could make and how you could raise your station, that's when the marriage began to deteriorate,'' he said.

"Being a working class guy, I was doing everything possible to make ends meet while she was partying and living the expat lifestyle in Bermuda.

"I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her go out and have fun. My idea was that she could go out whenever she wanted, but I would meet her every other time to cut down on costs -- and that's when she started developing a relationship with one of our male friends.

"When I realised there was a problem, I told her we should go get counselling, and she flatly refused -- she said there was nothing wrong with her, and said the problem was with me.

"The ironic thing is that all our friends knew about her laying down the foundation for a relationship with this other guy and nobody told me.. . once she secured that relationship, she walked out the door,'' he said.

Anthony said it's a stereotype to think that men are always the ones who cheat in a marriage.

"There's a lot of temptation here, but there are quite a few good, moral husbands,'' he said.

"People get bored here and want to live a fantasy life, there's too much bombardment with soap operas -- but when you cross the line trying to make the fantasy a reality, that's where trouble sets in.

"Also, the main pastime here is drinking which doesn't lend to good relationships -- it breaks down your resistance and clear thought processes.'' However, there is hope for those who have been burned by a cheating spouse -- Anthony is now happily married.

"My present-day situation is that I know I'm a good man -- I'm confident in myself,'' he said.

"After the break-up, I isolated myself and tried to figure out what went wrong in the end -- I tried the best I could to rectify the problems.

"But that's when I realised that I'm a strong individual, a good moral man who never cheated on his wife.

"I realised that if I ever had another partner and that woman realised what type of man I was and still decided to stray... that would be her loss.

"I had my single days, I was a pure player when I was younger -- but the day I decided to get married I put that life behind me. I knew what was out there, and I knew what I had.'' 2 The other woman The third prong in a love triangle -- the "other woman'' or the "other man'' is often the most silent.

But "Nadine'', a woman in her mid-thirties who has dated three married men, spoke with The Royal Gazette about her views on infidelity and how her views changed.

Her first relationship with a married man started when she was in her late 20s.

"After college, I went out with a man who was a distant cousin of mine -- people would see us together and give funny looks,'' she said.

"I shrugged it off, assuming they thought we were closer cousins than we actually were -- I had no idea he was married.

"Someone came to my apartment and told me the truth... I more than fainted, I passed out for hours, I was really upset and shaking.

"I got over it really quickly though, and forgot about him in no time flat. I was really high and mighty about it thinking, `never in my life would I knowingly have an affair with a married man'.

"But several years later, I was really drawn to this man -- I didn't know if he was married or not.

"I let things develop, and one day I asked him if he was married and he said `well, sort of' -- I asked him what that was supposed to mean and he never elaborated.

"But there was definitely something between us, so I didn't fight it, I went with it.'' Nadine said she doesn't really like to date men her own age -- she likes older men, and those are the people who tend to be married.

"Some people sneak around, but we didn't -- we went everywhere we wanted to go,'' she said.

"I just kept saying to him `one day it's going to hit me that this is wrong, and then it's going to end' -- but it never hit me, I never had guilt pangs.

Why should we deny ourselves if I like him and he likes me?'' Nadine said although many women dating married men complain because they don't have the man to themselves, it wasn't a problem for her because it suited her personality.

"Monogamy is very difficult for a lot of people. You just get tired of people, I think -- eventually, I got tired of him even though it was the longest and happiest relationship I've ever been in,'' she said.

"But I have no desire to own somebody... even from a practical perspective, I don't have to do his laundry, I don't have to cook, no financial problems or children to deal with -- it's just happy-happy stuff.

"But I'm really, really surprised that I don't feel guilty -- I don't think it would've been healthy to keep all those feelings pent up.

"Love is always a good thing if it's not tied up with wanting to own people -- and I'm sympathetic that anyone I might marry could be with someone else, because you just have to accept that people are human.'' However, after being involved with a third married man, Nadine decided that it may not be to her liking after all -- primarily because she was friends with his wife.

"He and I got along very well, and there was literally electricity between us -- if I touched him, I'd feel it all through my body,'' she said.

"I fought it, but... it was too much. Then he said he was leaving his wife, but changed his mind because she was pregnant.

"I was quite upset, and told him there's no point in staying for the child if you're going to be miserable.

"He went back to her and wanted to continue a relationship with me, but I said no and told him to make a choice -- and he chose to stay with his wife.'' Nadine said when the wife got pregnant again, he planned to send her abroad and tried to start up the affair again.

"I was dating someone else by then and I wasn't interested, but the fact that anyone could be so cold and calculating toward their wife made me feel like I couldn't trust my boyfriend,'' she said.

"My father was a dog, and I was very high and mighty about it. I think these things happened in my life to stop me from being so judgmental -- and I've learned my lesson.'' 3 The unfaithful husband "Goodman'' has been married for the past 25 years, and although he knows that both men and women cheat, he said men are more inclined to infidelity because of their basic instincts.

"I think men are more prone (to infidelity) because they're not predisposed to be loyal if you look at it from a purely biological perspective,'' he said.

"Males are competitive with one another, and if there's jealousy, it has nothing to do with the female -- it was to do with one another because they're very territorial,'' he added.

"As a woman, when you have a child you know it's yours -- the best a man can do is hope.

"So men try to keep everyone else away from his female... and if he sprays as many females as possible, he can be assured that at least one (child) will be his.

"Men like the hunt, they go after the prize... but after five or six years of being monogamous, they can't cope sexually and begin to suffer symptoms of impotence because the chase is gone.

"Very seldom do women go after sedate, homebound men -- they like virile men, or at least that's how it appears.

"Men feel threatened if they're being loyal and devoted all the time because when men become very loyal, women become very dominant and outgoing.

"In order for men to not get involved with other people, you have to put on blinders and shut down your senses almost to the point of killing yourself -- and when you shut down your senses, you die.

"Women become empowered by that... she becomes attracted to the other men who are not utilising that type of discipline because they're alive.

"I don't know if there's such a thing as balance because if he doesn't cheat, then she will.'' Goodman said that although he's been married for 25 years, he's experienced both ends of the spectrum from complete monogamy to involvement with several women.

And he said he'd like to hear about couples who are happy and vibrant after 15 years of marriage to find out the secret of their success.

When asked if his wife knew of his infidelity, he replied "she ought to''.

And he noted that marriage had many practical aspects such as raising families and building communities that made it important.

"I would make a strong argument that people should try to live an honest, straight life because it's better if they can -- but there are so many natural reasons why it's an unrealistic expectation,'' he said.

"Men are weak in that way, they're not used to exposing their emotions, so it's hard to be totally vulnerable -- it's much easier to have a shallow relationship.

"But I have no sense of guilt or shame. If I feel bad at all, it's because children can suffer -- but for me it was do or die.

"Either we do this and be alive and vibrant, or let our self-esteem and everything else go to pot and just be a feeble male.'' 4 The psychologist There are a number of reasons why people involved in a long-term relationship or a marriage are unfaithful.

Dee Martin, clinical psychologist, operates HOME psychological and spiritual counselling services, affiliated with Bermuda Healthcare.

Ms Martin said the challenge in a long-term relationship is reaching a deeper level of love -- which many people don't know how to do.

"People know what to do in the early stages of a relationship -- the courting, the seduction, and the romanticism -- but they don't know how to keep the spark alive and go into the `everyday' of the relationship,'' she said.

"So what often happens is they feel they're not getting the same attention, they feel like they're not special, and they start looking.

"Affairs work -- I'm not supporting affairs but when you have an affair, you're connecting all the time, you're calling them all the time, and you want to see them for an exciting rendezvous.

"What you're doing in an affair is maintaining the magic of the early stages of a relationship.'' Ms Martin said when men get married, wives sometimes start taking care of the everyday messes and the men begin seeing their wives more like their mothers.

"Males need to maintain their sense of maleness. If they don't feel like there's a place for them, they wander and go where their egos are boosted -- but that doesn't mean they don't want their wife,'' she said.

But Ms Martin said when women have affairs, there tends to be a greater emotional bond.

"Women's highlight isn't sexual, it's emotional connection -- women aren't satisfied with just having a husband, they need to feel the love,'' she said.

"She needs the calls, the connections, the special touches, she needs to feel romanced... a man needs to feel admired and acknowledged for what he gives.'' Ms Martin said it's her perception that in Bermuda, we operate from generations of infidelity -- and when we come from a family where there's infidelity, it's a possibility that we can exhibit those patterns of behaviour.

"It's almost a nonverbal understanding... it's not unusual for a woman to accept that he has a baby with her and a baby with another woman,'' she said.

"And it's much easier to have a lover because the lover pays attention to you. But we're in a monogamous society, and (infidelity) breaks the agreement, it's being left out in the cold.

"If the man would have the courage to come and say `I'm dissatisfied, I don't find you sexy anymore' and share his feelings, there might be an opening for creating a sexier relationship.

"Marriage is a long-term commitment to the everyday, to being best friends, and how can you be best friends if you don't communicate? The mistake people make in affairs is that they don't realise it's a particular situation that brings about the feeling.

"An affair is really very often like a symptom of a relationship that's not healthy -- but that doesn't mean you don't want the relationship, it means you haven't been willing to clean up the relationship you're in.

"If you have an affair and if there's enough love there, you can have counselling to find out what wasn't working and you may go to the next level of the relationship.

"But we've got to learn how to have affairs with our mates.''