Many couples who are considering giving up the `single life' to join a partner in marriage have some pretty grim statistics to take into consideration: about half of all marriages end in divorce.

There are a number of reasons why marriages may not last as long as they did in previous generations -- changes in family structure, work-related stress, a greater degree of social acceptability, and a greater focus on individual needs rather than duty.

But if you find yourself arguing more and more frequently with your partner, it may be a good idea to consider marriage counselling before deciding to throw in the towel.

The Royal Gazette spoke with three marriage counsellors about why good marriages turn sour -- and how counselling can help couples get back on the right track.

Christine Phillips-Harrell, a counselling psychologist at Ashton Associates, also strongly recommended premarital counselling -- and warned that if couples don't create a strong foundation, they may be in for a rocky road.

"Obviously we know that marriage counselling is important, but premarital counselling is equally important,'' said Dr. Phillips-Harrell.

"When I do any type of counselling, I assess each person's individual traits -- their personality, their strengths and weaknesses as if their partner wasn't even in the room.

"If I find some red flags exhibited with the individual such as self esteem issues or fear of intimacy -- which normally I do -- it makes working with them as a team more difficult.

"But no matter what's going on, when two people come together you must have unconditional positive regard -- even if they don't agree, having a basic respect for each other puts them a long way toward resolving issues.'' Dr. Phillips-Harrell said that in any small community like Bermuda, there can be added stresses and strains put on a relationship.

"There's a lot less clarity when trying to establish boundaries because a lot of people are more involved with each other on a number of different levels,'' she said.

"In a small community, there are a lot more reminders of past experiences that might affect a current relationship, whereas in a bigger community, there's a lot more room to let go.

"But it goes back to the individual and what they value -- it's up to you to keep it cohesive despite any outside influences,'' she added.

Dr. Phillips-Harrell said many individuals have a lot of issues about control, which often manifest as a power struggle in relationships.

"A lot of times people feel threatened -- they feel if they come into a relationship, they're going to lose their individuality,'' she noted.

"But if you put all your strength into doing that, the only thing you'll have is alienation from trying to win this invisible struggle.'' Dr. Phillips-Harrell said the relationship is often complicated when children are involved, and she warned couples about allowing their children to become caught up in the arguing.

"People sometimes use children, they put them in the middle to get their needs met. This is often done unconsciously, but it does become manipulative,'' she noted.

And Dr. Phillips-Harrell said that divorce can be considered as a last resort, when everything else has failed to stop the arguing.

"Research has shown that in some instances, a split is necessary because the conflict in the home is not good for anyone,'' she noted.

"Once you've explored all the therapeutic avenues to resolve the marital problems and there's still internal fighting, divorce can bring about some tranquillity.

"I'm not pushing divorce, but it does have its place... the finality of it brings about some relief because it ends the fighting.'' Lorrie Peniston, a counsellor at Transitions counselling service, said there are usually indications that a couple's relationship is on a rough track.

She said couples usually decide to seek counselling for four reasons: because the relationship is in some sort of crisis, because they've exhausted their own problem-solving skills, because they wish to strengthen the relationship or because the relationship is virtually finished and they need help with closure.

Although most couples wait until crisis before seeking help, Mrs. Peniston said she advocates premarital counselling so that couples can learn how best to function as a unit.

"The individual has an identity as a single person, but they have to learn to integrate that identity -- they have to learn how to become interdependent,'' said Mrs. Peniston.

"Interdependence is recognising that in any relationship there are needs you can rely on your partner to fulfil, while still maintaining a sense of self.

"You don't lose your identity as a person, you gain an identity as a couple,'' she added.

She noted that premarital counselling helps singles develop communication skills that may not have been as vital before.

"Single people are sometimes ill-equipped to deal with issues that come up in a marriage,'' she said.

"When people do see me for premarital counselling, it's because they could be experiencing early bumps, they're fearful about the impending marriage or because of the stress of planning their lives together.

"A lot of engaged couples are afraid to admit there are problems. Many believe the problems will go away when they get married -- but nothing could be further from the truth,'' she added.

Mrs. Peniston said a key factor in relationships turning sour is a lack of communication -- which usually happens because many loving couples haven't learned the necessary skills to effectively communicate with each other.

"We think communication is about getting our point across, and instead of truly listening we're often having conversations with ourselves inside our head,'' she noted.

"For example, we're busy formulating our defence -- and you can't listen and formulate a defence at the same time.

"Or else we think, `here she goes again, blah blah blah' or worse, `what do I have to pick up from the grocery store?' -- a complete tune-out.

"I think conversations escalate into arguments because we're frustrated we're not being heard.'' Mrs. Peniston said once a couple recognises that the marriage is having problems, there are some steps they can take to get their relationship back on track.

Improving communication skills is the foundation for resolving issues -- it provides the partner with attention and can be a vehicle through which we appreciate the partner, establish goals, verbalise affection and express needs effectively.

Mrs. Peniston said it's also very important to have fun -- couples often forget how to have fun together which may place strain on the relationship.

She noted that each individual has to find a healthy balance of time for themselves, the couple, family, work, and devote more energy to the couple.

And she said to inject some romance back into the relationship: "It doesn't need to be expensive or extravagant, you can send each other notes, flowers or prepare a surprise,'' she said.

Mrs. Peniston said it's important for the couple to rediscover their commonalities or embark on new activities they can enjoy as a couple.

And finally, couples should learn how to handle conflict and `fight fair'.

Mrs. Peniston said divorce is never an inevitability until the couple makes that decision.

"The loss of happiness might be inevitable, but that doesn't mean divorce -- many couples choose to stay together for appearance's sake, for financial reasons, for the children or for convenience,'' she said.

"But you can't have a relationship without two people. If one person wants out of a marriage (and the other continues to hold on), then that's not a relationship -- that's one person having a fantasy about a relationship.'' Saving a marriage is not easy Dee Martin, clinical psychologist, operates HOME psychological and Spiritual Counselling Services, affiliated with Bermuda Healthcare Services.

She has developed an integrative healing method that treats mind, body and spirit as one.

"I see relationships as sacred unions which have a deep spiritual component.

In that safety we can create within a relationship, the opportunity is there to heal the wounded child (in each of us),'' said Ms Martin.

"You often think you're having a relationship with the person you married, but you see the faces of your mother, father, or grandparents superimposed.

"A lot of people look for relationships where everything is great all the time -- but I think that's impossible. We see things differently and our differences are valuable because it helps us to grow.

"The only reason we're afraid of our differences is because when we had a different viewpoint in our childhood, people got angry with us, or left, or hurt us.'' Ms Martin said counselling can be beneficial for any long-term relationship, not just marriages.

"If you feel love in a committed relationship and you're dealing with persistent conflict, the good news is that it can be resolved,'' Ms Martin said.

"The relationship between a man and a woman is the most complex you can have -- you have totally different backgrounds, experiences and ways of dealing with information.

"A lot of people think that love is everything, but sometimes love isn't enough -- they have to learn about one another and learn about being together.

"That's the road to intimacy, which I like to call into-me-see. We talk about sexual intimacy, but intimacy at its fullest is not just the body -- it's the joining of mind and spirit as well.

"When everything is fine, we're happy -- but the moment there's a conflict or someone's needs are different, our feelings get hurt, whether we decide to express it or not.

"If we don't know how to communicate we start to build blocks against loving, and many of us repeat the wounded past of our childhood.

"A lot of times we marry a person and think " it's you and me, and we've got one mind -- my mind''.

"But just because we're together, that doesn't mean that what we think and what we assume is the truth for the other person.

"That's how violence and arguments happen -- people can't even listen and nothing gets resolved, and when something deep doesn't get resolved it builds until we're ready to throw in the towel.

"Our bridge to each other's views is communication, and most of us have absolutely no idea how to communicate.

"We think communication is about venting, `going off' on people, or -- what's distinct for many Bermudians -- communicating with attitude.

"It's a whole bunch of game playing because we don't know how to sit with each other and be adults.'' Ms Martin said that relationships between men and women are further complicated by the change in gender roles which has occurred in recent generations.

"We drag the models of the past. We were taught -- especially men -- that being sensitive was weakness. But we're coming to a new man and a new women where it's okay to feel -- it's not about blocking it out.

"Women can make a living now, and we're moving from an authoritative model to a place where people really walk side by side.

"In the average married relationship, conflict sets in when women don't feel loved because they don't have special time with their mate anymore. They feel emotionally neglected and start nagging.

"Men feel like they're not good enough because they can't make her happy...when couples go to counselling because they're ready to throw in the towel, they can begin to break down the walls of resentment.

"The most important thing is to try to open up to the love that brought them together in the first place.''