Wishing for a twin not unusual
Question: I have a beautiful 12-year-old daughter who is smart, funny, athletic, musical and has a huge heart for others. When I was pregnant with her, we found out, via blood tests and an ultrasound, that she was part of a set of twins. The other twin was absorbed at about 16 weeks of gestation. When she was born, there were two placentas, but my daughter was perfectly healthy. She was delivered first and then her placenta. I was never told if the second placenta was empty, but the doctor commented on its size and health, and the fact that they were completely surprised by its existence.
Fast forward many years, and my daughter has had difficulty finding friends with whom she feels she truly "fits" with. She is nearly obsessed with twins, makes comments about twins, and finds twins wherever she can (not only in people but also in duplicate objects and stuffed animals) and has often said to me that she feels like part of her is missing. She was diagnosed at age ten with ADHD and has been minimally medicated. Since then, her twin fascination has diminished but not disappeared. Naturally, my heart aches for her when she says she doesn't feel complete, although she has never specifically asked me if she was a twin.
I don't know how to handle this. My husband sees it as a non-issue. I feel that I should tell my daughter sometime, but how and when is a mystery. She is a very sensitive and caring person and I don't know how the fact that she survived and her twin didn't will play into her life. I feel the need to be honest with her. Perhaps it could help her down the road, both emotionally and physically, too, if she decides to have children of her own.
Could you please give me your opinion on this matter?
Answer: Your daughter's wish for a twin is likely unrelated to her sharing her womb with a twin. It is a fairly common phenomenon for kids who can't seem to find a close friend to wish they had a convenient twin. I actually recall having wished for a twin as a child and thinking that a twin would make me perfectly happy because my twin would always be there to play with me. Your daughter's more frequent mention of her wish may come to your special attention because of your uncertainty about telling her about her potential twin. It's also possible she's accidentally overheard private conversations about her twin and wants to know more about your secret.
Twin children do share a special closeness, but that undoubtedly comes not only from sharing the womb for eight or nine months, but also from sharing similar genetics and a very close early childhood. While I can't be absolutely certain that there is no biological connection to your daughter's wishes for a twin, I think it's unlikely.
As for telling your daughter about the second placenta, I think there would be no risk in telling her if you could manage to explain it in a matter-of-fact, nonemotional way. On the other hand, there's no hurry and when she becomes an adult in child-rearing years, and is no longer worried about searching for a twin, you should surely let her know that genetically there's a history of twins in the family and that she almost had a twin sibling. If she recalls to you her childhood longing for a twin, you can reassure her, as I have you, that many children do yearn for a twin to play with.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com.