Question: My 6-year-old granddaughter and her parents welcomed twin brothers to their family about 18 months ago. She is completing kindergarten and successful at many activities, but she bites her nails waiting for her turn at gymnastics, on the soccer field, and at times when she's in activities with other children. Although a good student and successful in school, her teacher described her as "needy," which we interpret to mean "needs support, asks for assurance." She's always been a good sleeper, but lately isn't sleeping well and describes fears ... any advice?

Answer: As your granddaughter's twin brothers walk, talk and attract a larger share of attention, she may feel less noticed or could even feel totally rejected. With the challenges of being at school all day, her anxiety has undoubtedly increased. If she's always been an anxious child, the attention to her brothers may only be increasing her worries. But if before they were born she was much more relaxed and happy and has only changed since the boys arrived, she's suffering from more extreme sibling rivalry that I've named "dethronement".

Either way, some daily one-to-one attention by mom or dad, without her brothers, will do much to ease her tension and help her feel like the "big girl" in the household. Grandma, you could also help by taking her on weekly excursions that are exclusively hers.

Also be sensitive to the referential talk — adult talk about your granddaughter within her hearing. If she hears conversations about her jealousy or anxiety, she's likely to believe she can't control them. On the other hand, if she hears adult talk about kindness to her brothers and her independence and maturity, she'll live up to those characteristics. If her signs of anxiety don't ease, a psychological evaluation would be appropriate.

Question: My 12-year-old daughter has recently said that she wants to live with her dad. (We have 50/50 custody.) She is not polite about it and has said that if I weren't dating my boyfriend, she would stay. She has even gone as far as twisting things that are said in my home to her dad. She's told him that I've said that I hate her guts sometimes, when I've actually said that I hate how she acts. I've recently given her three extra days with her dad in hopes she would think about things. Now she is convinced she wants to live with her dad. What do I do?

Answer: You could start by talking to your daughter about her worries about your new boyfriend. While you shouldn't empower her to make the decision about who you choose to partner with, she may have some insights about him that you don't. It's also possible that he isn't nice to her when you're not around, and you should be aware of that.

Other possible motives may come from her dad's environment. For example, he may have fewer rules for her, so she may find life easier with him. If he's not seeing other women, she may prefer getting one-to-one attention with him. If you have a good relationship with your ex-husband and respect his parenting, you could give your daughter some flexibility — let her stay longer with him and leave the number of days open. In that way, your daughter can feel comfortable about moving between homes.

If you can have a reasonable conversation with your ex-husband and can set up similar guidelines in both homes, your daughter can enjoy both places, but won't be allowed to use her power to threaten your relationship with your new partner. You'd also benefit from a counseling session with your ex to determine what might be best for your daughter.

For a free newsletter about helping children cope after a divorce, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.