SYLVIA RIMM ON RAISING KIDS BY SYLVIA RIMM FOR RELEASE: WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 2010 Some Kids are too Controlling
Q: A girl in my class has a group of friends that play at recess. On Friday, she asked me if I wanted to go with them and do something the last recess of the day. I accepted and went with them to play a game of kickball, which went pretty well. The problem is that when she asks someone to play with her, it means she wants that person to become a permanent friend. She and her friends were pretty nice when I played with them, but I don't want them to become my only friends. I want to have other friends to play with, too, and still be nice to her group.
I don't know how to tell her that without her (and her group) becoming too upset. There was one girl that used to play with that group and then played with some other groups. After about three weeks of playing with other kids, this girl and her group wouldn't talk to that girl anymore. I don't want that to happen to me. If you have any tips, let me know. Thanks!
A: Sometimes it's hard for girls to learn to share friends. If you tell your new friend that you like her and her group very much but also want to have other friends, I think she will adjust to your decision. If she continues to not talk to those who chose to play with others, she'll have whittled her friendship group down to a few friends and will hurt many feelings. She needs to realize that her group can't control independent girls who often enjoy multiple friendships. Learning to share friendships isn't always easy, but reassuring her that you really like her may be all she needs to know.
Either way, you don't want to restrict yourself to only those girls when you have many interests to share with others, as well. Even if these girls seem angry with you for a short time, if you continue to be friendly to them, eventually they'll catch on and become responsive again. Friendship is about sharing and not about controlling, but sometimes it takes courage to tell a friend that you like sharing friendship with others, too. If you don't explain this to your new friends and only play with others without explanation, they'll think you don't like them and will feel hurt. Perhaps, your new friend actually is overly sensitive and feels rejected when you don't include her and her group.
You'd like my book "See Jane Win for Girls" (Free Spirit Publishing, 2003) because it gives girls answers to other questions, similar to the one you asked me here. Chapter 4, "Improving Your Social Smarts," includes topics like Friends to the End, Taking Time for Yourself, Can't We All Just Get Along, Why Kids Can be Mean, as well as actual social questions by tweens and teens.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimmsylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
