Question: I decided to write to you about what I can do to have a better, more positive relationship with my two-year-old son. Right now, he is the epitome of the terrible twos, and I am lost as to what I can do to get through these trying times. My son was well-behaved, did what he was told, and only occasionally talked back until about six months ago when we moved (again).

Since then, he has done a complete 180-degree turnaround. He doesn't listen, refuses to do what he is told, talks back constantly, and has started hitting, kicking, biting, etc. We have tried consistent timeouts, starting with the corner, a timeout chair and even his bed. I hate to say, but I will admit that I have started spanking. None of those has worked, and my husband and I have no idea what else there is to try that will work for us. It has started causing a strain on our relationship, and I'm afraid I will have to go back on depression and anxiety medications just to be able to cope.

Answer: Your son's new stage is as likely to be due to the turmoil of moving as it is to his age. I couldn't help but wonder also if there might be a new baby or at least one on the way. Sibling rivalry, in addition to the move, can also result in those sudden bursts of anger and defiance that you've observed. Please don't get into the spanking habit, although I don't want you to be hard on yourself for occasionally loosing your temper. Two-year-olds can be challenging.

Timing your son out in his room is effective if it's done right — it's best reserved for aggressive behaviour so that you're not overusing it. Timeout actually works rather magically for a defiant child because he'll recognise that you are in charge. You will need to persevere firmly and calmly if timeout will be effective

Timeout won't be enough for your son. He'll also need a positive schedule of fun so he can feel good about himself. You might want to observe a good day care centre and consider your parenting role as a loving wise teacher. You can actually plan a variety of both active and quieter activities to fill your son's day. If there's a rhythm to you son's day, he'll know what to expect and you won't find yourself scolding him as much. My book, "Raising Preschoolers: Parenting for Today", can help you develop the daily routines you and he will soon feel much better about.

It is best to save your personal work for his napping times. As your son matures, he'll be able to keep himself busier for longer. You can vary his day with such activities as puzzles, building blocks, crafts, play dough, music and reading to him, while adding naps and snacks between activities. I'm hoping you won't need medications as you learn to enjoy your son and set limits with confidence.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. For more, see www.sylviarimm.com