Dear Dr Nekia,

I am aware of the dangers of birth control pills and other chemical methods. Are there any natural forms of birth control that I can consider other than the rhythm method?

Sincerely,

Natural Control

Dear Natural Control,

There seems to be an increasing interest among women for natural and safe birth control methods. More women are realising the harmful and mood-altering effects of conventional methods of birth control that their doctors offer.

They are also aware of the chances for pregnancy that the rhythm method leaves. Most women who decline conventional birth control combine the use of condoms paired with ovulation mapping. Ovulation mapping involves accurately mapping out your monthly cycle to determine when it is that you ovulate and thus your most fertile days for conception. In the past this required that you have a fairly regular cycle but now most ovulating women can use this method due to the availability of ovulation prediction devices.

These range from microscopes that pick up the crystalline nature of the saliva when ovulating to the pregnancy-like tests available at the pharmacy. There are foams and creams as well as condoms that contain spermicide that can be considered safe in comparison to other conventional methods, however if you are looking for a chemical-free alternative, your options are limited to fertility mapping.

Just be sure to give your body three to six months to track your cycle so that you can get to know your body’s rhythm. There are herbal birth control remedies such as morning glory, okra leaves, and flaxseed, however there are dangers with their use as well. In short, anything that alters human hormone levels for the sake of interrupting the menstrual cycle is harmful.

Unfortunately, naturalists generally focus on herbal answers to early abortion should fertility mapping fail. Your best chance at eliminating conventional birth control from your life is to see someone who specialises in natural woman’s health. This professional can make fertility mapping very easy for you. Many women fear that it takes too much time and effort, but really it does not. Plus, you will have the added bonus of getting to know the most intimate part of yourself, and you will feel more empowered and confident about yourself as a woman.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am seeing a Canadian woman and things are going great except for our sex life. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex with her but it’s just that she makes certain comments during it that make me feel uncomfortable. She is white and I am black and she always makes reference to my black man part and its size. Not in a negative way, but in a dirty talk way if you know what I mean. I must admit that at first I loved it and it made me feel good.

One of the things that attracted me to her was her appreciation of me in between the sheets, but now that I actually care for her, it kind of offends me that she does it all the time. She even calls me her Mandingo in front of friends and family, which makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this normal? How can I let her know that I do not like it anymore.

Sincerely,

Black Man Parts

Dear Black Man Parts,

Your situation is not an uncommon one. Many black men undergo so much stress and defeating attitudes towards them that they often turn to where they find acceptance and adoration whether this be in a positive or negative way.

First, you should know that outside of the context of consensual role-play or certain casual flings, it is not normal behaviour for any kind of racial remarks to be made during intimacy. Partners, especially women, tend to want to appeal to the ego of the other person as a turn on.

In fact, a great deal of men enjoy women who make them feel strong and virile during sex. In the case of interracial relationships, as you have pointed out, there can be a fine line between a turn on and a turn off. She may be innocently saying what she says because she thinks it is a turn on for you. After all, you do admit that you used to enjoy it. Or she could be personifying you as the Mandingo lover.

This personification is not unusual in relationships involving white women and black men. Because she makes these comments and calls you nicknames outside of the bedroom as well, I would suspect that it is the latter of the two. I would advise you to discuss this with her and really think about what motivates a person to behave in the way that she does towards you. What initially may have made you feel good as man, is not a compliment.

She is not seeing you as a loving and equal partner. She is instead living out the black male lover stereotype and is viewing you as a sexual toy of sorts. Yes, she may care for you and yes she may be wonderful within your relationship, but her choice to constantly refer to you as her “Mandingo” or any other term that points to your love making skills as a black man raises some serious alarms.

Dear Dr Nekia,

At what age do you think that it is appropriate for masturbation to begin? I know that it is a natural act, but is it the same for girls as boys? I recently walked in on my daughter who is 11 years old.

Sincerely,

Age Appropriate

Dear Age Appropriate,

Ok take a deep breath, because I know how traumatic this can be for you as a mother of a precious little girl. The appropriate age of masturbation is subjective, meaning there is no concrete answer to your question. There is however no difference between the acceptance of a male or a female who engages in the activity. The only difference that exists is that of cultural or religious views, so you will have to determine for yourself how you feel about this. Before making your decision, you should make sure that your conclusions are not based upon fear or the idea that females should be more chaste or sexually pure than males. You will want to remain objective here.

Masturbatory acts are displayed at various ages — from babies in the womb to the elderly. Context and reason is very important here so you will have to open the lines of direct communication with your daughter to find out what is going on here. No matter the reason, it is an intimate and personal act so you will want to avoid any embarrassment to her. She needs to know that she can trust you with your knowing.

At her age, if she has not begun menstruation or does not have any signs of puberty which could indicate a rise in sexual specific hormones, you will want to look for signs of molestation, possible teasing or touching from boys at school, or exposure to sexual acts via the internet, television, yourself (did she happen to see you engage in sex?), etc. Let her express to you whether she does it often or if it was a one time thing.

She could be comforting herself, or beginning the experimental stages of her own sexuality.