nviting a Royal to deliver a speech announcing how Bermuda wants to split from the Crown could have been Alex Scott?s tactical masterstroke but in the end it backfired badly.

Needing to get momentum behind his desperately flagging bid for Independence the Premier had presumably booked Prince Philip, The Duke of York?s gaffe-prone father, whose ability to insult people on foreign jaunts is legendary.

Clearly Buckingham Palace got its wires crossed and instead of sending the Queen?s husband to deliver an insulting diatribe covering everything from ridiculous Bermuda shorts to half measures in the Rum Swizzles, we got the services of the man once dubbed Randy Andy by the British tabloids.

Whether the divorced heir to the throne appreciated having to explain Government?s intention to introduce counselling and mediation for those in matrimonial difficulty is unknown, although his uncomfortable posture on the Throne indicated he was about to make a run for it at any moment.

But he certainly got the biggest laugh (in an occasion not known for levity) when he announced plans to build 330 new rental units would take 30 years ? perhaps in an unwitting acknowledgement of the notorious sloth involved in anything the PLP ever try to build.

Up until then it had been pretty standard stuff with the Government MC again labouring with a malfunctioning microphone which ..t out ever. oth.. syllab..

Dodgy PA systems are a tradition almost as old as parliament itself which makes Hector even more dubious about Government?s intention to set up its very own TV channel.

Presumably viewers will then have to log onto the newly revamped Web portal to fill in the blanks left out by ..alfunct..ning ..rophones.

?It won?t be for propaganda,? explained Mr. Scott to incredulous journalists who wondered why a nation billed just an hour earlier as having a parliamentary system dating back to 1620 was suddenly in need of a mode of communication which went out with Mao suits and Trabants.

Quite frankly Hector wonders about the sort of person who would want to watch a Government TV channel. You can imagine the battles revolving around TV remotes across the nation.

?Honey, shall we watch ZBM or VSB?? will come the cry only to be met with: ?Damn, woman. Are you trying to short change me? Let?s watch the Ewart Brown press conference on Gov-Prop 1.

?He?s reading out the new ferry schedule. I don?t want to miss out on the preamble where he names and thanks every port worker past and present. Hell, I think I?ll watch the midnight repeat, too.?

But other than worrying Big Brother moves the Throne Speech contained few surprises.

From a tent pitched on Cabinet lawn The Duke announced Government was, after all, finally going to build some houses ? before people a tad less welcome than his Royal Highness live up to their threat to pitch tents on the Cabinet lawn on a far more regular basis.

But no Throne Speech is complete without some baffling snippets.

?Vicious sexual and physical assaults have perpetuated needless fear within the community,? went the speech. Actually Hector thinks vague Police press conferences about serial sex attackers provoke needless fear, particularly when they give no clues about the location of the attacks.

But confusion has been the name of the game this week.

And so it was with Government?s plans to amalgamate the Island?s fire services which mystified Hector who had been unaware of bitter turf wars presumably fought between rival crews over who got to put out pole fires in border regions.

But the imagery was curiously apt with Government now involved in a fire fighting exercise of its own which frankly it shows no sign of winning.