weighty matters during their visit here last week.

But their House of Assembly welcoming ceremony proved a springboard for a generous sprinkling of political wit -- British and American style.

For those who weren't there and didn't tune into their radios here are a few examples: British Defence Secretary Mr. Malcolm Rifkind on how UK MPs begin their Parliamentary day: "In our House of Commons the Speaker looks to the Opposition on the left and the Government on the right, and then prays for the country.'' Mr. Rifkind again: "Probably the most fundamental difference between the UK and US political systems is that in the UK we stand for Parliament, in the US they run for office.'' US Congressman Mr. Tom Lantos, rehashing the joke about a break-in at the home of the Speaker of the House of Representatives: "The Speaker's wife turned to her husband and said `I hear a noise downstairs. There is a thief in the house'.

"The Speaker turned to his wife and said "Never in the House, perhaps in the Senate'.'' Governor Lord Waddington -- a former UK Home Secretary -- also got in on the act.

"I have missed the House of Commons -- now and again. But I read the English papers from time to time, and things seem to be a lot quieter here.

"I am sure Sir John Swan and Opposition leader Mr. Frederick Wade intend to keep it that way today, so we resemble a vicarage tea party.'' Lord Waddington also told how, as a UK Government whip, he learned the trick of keeping potential rebels in line.

The ploy was to keep them in the smoking room while a Minister was speaking -- well out of earshot.

Then after the Minister wrapped up his speech, they could return to the chamber and vote for the Government.

Perhaps, Lord Waddington was passing on a tip to Mr. John Barritt, the Bermuda Government whip with a fair few problems of his own.

*** PERSISTENCE paid off for an audience at St. Paul AME Church last week as Mr.

Harry Soares MP was smoked out on the Independence issue.

Mr. Soares has been widely perceived to oppose Independence for Bermuda at present. But as one of four panelists at Centennial Hall on May 5, he managed to get through an entire forum titled "Independence -- Now or Later'' without saying so.

Alas, the moderator agreed to take a final question from the audience. Mr.

Robert Trew told Mr. Soares he knew the MP was against Independence because he came from the majority-white constituency of Paget West where it wasn't wanted.

Soon there were shouts from the crowd, demanding to know Mr. Soares' position on Independence.

Remaining calm, Mr. Soares resumed answering an earlier question about what kind of information Bermudians needed to make a decision about going it alone.

"Answer the question,'' came the shouts from the floor.

"I thought I was answering the question,'' said Mr. Soares.

"Are you for or against Independence?'' shouted a woman determined not to let the MP off the hook.

Mr. Soares deflated slightly and smiled. Holding his hands out from his body in, "Why me?'' fashion, he looked vaguely like a cornered fugitive who had agreed to come quietly.

"I can see no reason for it at this time,'' he said with a shrug, the smile widening on his face. "What's wrong with that?'' *** ROYAL GAZETTE reporter Nancy Acton's story about City of Fort Lauderdale, Florida commissioner Jack Latona's Bermuda shorts trials continues to generate interest in the North American media.

Columnist Robert Andrew Powell, writing in the April 13 edition of the Florida newspaper XS, suggested that the "sudden'' departure of the so-called snowbirds from Fort Lauderdale back to their homes in the northern half of North America for the summer could have had a lot to do with Mr. Latona.

"There might be another reason, besides Spring, for the sudden exodus: the sight of Jack Latona in Bermuda shorts,'' he wrote.

Mr. Powell then proceeded to plagiarise a Sun-Sentinel reporter's story before concluding: "Unfortunately, Latona is not the best ambassador for the casual style. A picture published last week across the island of Bermuda shows Latona in shorts so big they nearly fell to the floor when he stood up. Between the shorts and black knee socks was visible about eight inches of pasty white flesh. The sight sent Quebecois scrambling for their cars.

"Latona acknowledged as much. When asked if he would wear the shorts again, Latona admitted their inappropriateness.

"They don't work, Jack. Ask any fleeing snowbird,'' Powell added.

Mr. Powell might be good at concocting disparaging dialogue to earn a crust, but he's certainly not very good at plagiarism -- or even interpreting a newspaper photograph in colour.

To correct just some of his errors: The picture he referred to was not published in Bermuda, but the Sun-Sentinel (a Fort Lauderdale daily); Mr. Latona's shorts were just one size too big, which had no effect on the traditional length or his ability to keep them from falling down; his socks were navy blue, his outfit was a gift from local merchants, not our reporter, and of course the people of this Island are not Bermudans.

And you thought the Gazette had problems! *** IT is the curse of the acting industry that the number of actors always exceeds the amount of work available. Even Tommy Lee Jones referred to it in winning Best Supporting Actor this year for The Fugitive when he thanked his producers on Oscar night "for the work''.

Bermuda got a taste of that industry angst this week with Mr. Antonio Fargas, who is starring in Touissant: Angel Warrior of Jamaica, Stage One's production of the one-man play about the legendary leader of the Haitian slave revolt.

At a cocktail reception on Tuesday, Mr. Fargas met Mrs. Patricia Pogson, who was introduced as Bermuda's "leading director, producer and actress''.

The elegant actor, who starred in Shaft and Starsky and Hutch, spread his arms wide and with a big smile said: "Do you have a job for me? I always need the work.''