It is no secret that Bermuda has a high divorce rate, and few would dispute that broken families take their toll on society.

With this in mind, it is remarkable that a highly respected 14-year presiding Ontario Canada Family Court Judge has criticised the court system in his book (Tug-a-War) published this year.

The reason Justice Harvey Brownstone wrote the book which was also endorsed by his colleagues – was to help parents and children before they embark on what he calls a "voyage of no return" through the court system.

He also hopes to persuade parents to stay out of the courts and to resolve family disputes themselves, or, by going to counselling or mediation.

Justice Brownestone states that it is mind-boggling for a total stranger to be allowed to make decisions on a child's living arrangements, health, education, extracurricular activities, vacation time and the amount of contact with each parent. Worse, this stranger is a judge, whose formal training is in law, not in family relations, child development, social work, or psychology.

He revealed that most Judges make decisions on child custody access, matrimonial property, and support decisions based on incomplete, subjective, and highly emotional written evidence (called affidavits), with virtually no time to get to know the parents and child whose life is being affected.

In addition, family court litigation is expensive, time-consuming, unpredictable and highly stressful. Further, many who work in Family Law agree that Family Court is not good for families; litigation is not good for children. The result is emotional carnage.

It has always bothered Justice Brownstone that Family Court judges can't help parents until far too much damage already had been done, and until the parents are seated in the courtrooms geared up for the battle of their lives.

Further, he claims that far too often, judges make emergency restraining orders in reliance on the applicant's version of events, only to find out later, when the other party's evidence is presented, that the applicant has completely misled the court to get his/her spouse out of the matrimonial home or to get an advantage in the custody dispute.

He says Family Court should be the last resort, because in many cases, the parent's ability to communicate and cooperate with each other as co-parents becomes worse, not better, as a result of family court litigation. It is a damaging and destructive way to resolve parental disputes.

That's because court cases are based on an adversarial process in which "winning" is the goal.

Though judges do their best, Judge Brownstone says he and his colleagues are not really equipped to know what's best for families. And from where he sits, he has never seen a "Winner" in the Family Court.

"We should be constructing a co-parenting regime that is in the child's best interest," he says. "The most common way to achieve this is by a separation agreement, made by the parents."

Further, he says that, if asked, all litigants who have appeared before the family courts will describe their experiences as unsatisfactory, even with a lawyer.

He provides the following ten suggestions to resolve parenting issues-:-

1. Be child-focused.

2. Learn to distinguish between a bad partner and a bad parent.

3. Never speak negatively to the child about the other parent.

4. Never argue or fight in front of your children.

5. Listen to the other parent's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

6. Consider mediation before giving the decision-making power to a judge.

7. Separate your financial issues from your parenting issues.

8. Be flexible and reasonable in making access arrangements.

9. Your children still see you as a family, so communicate.

10. Don't hesitate to get help.

We at ChildWatch truly appreciate these very true statements made by this very experienced and respected judge, and we give kudos to him and his colleagues for speaking up and speaking the truth. We have made the same statements for years.

We need a system that keeps parents focused on their children's well being, not a system that promotes destructive behaviour against each other, which in turn spreads to their children.

Couldn't the $78 million that Government is spending on the new Court House, be better spent on healing our children and families, by providing counseling and keeping them together, instead of pulling them apart in this current adversarial system.

"Shared Parenting" achieved and personalised by both parents with the guidance of counseling and mediation is what we believe is in the best interest of our children, whereby, both parents are equally involved in their children's lives, as many countries have implemented already.

ChildWatch can be reached by calling Edward Tavares 292.3529 or email: childwatch.bermuda@yahoo.com">childwatch.bermuda@yahoo.com