To say I was disappointed about the first sending off of my career is an understatement - I was gutted.

You may have read I was dismissed for deliberate handball on Tuesday night in the 2-1 defeat at Stockport.

On reflection it was so silly but you have to understand that at the time it was just a reflex action.

The ball had been crossed into the box, our 'keeper Carlo Nash had missed it and it fell to their striker. He shot towards the top right hand corner of our goal and, knowing I could not reach the ball with either my foot or my head, I just instinctively stuck my hand up.

All I knew was that the ball was going to go into the goal and I had to stop it. It was a split-second decision, I handballed and the referee was correct to send me off.

I just closed my eyes and said to myself 'Shaun, what have you done? That's not you. Why did you not just let it go in?'.

I was told afterwards that Stuart Pearce, our defender, had been stood behind me when the shot came in and that he might have been able to clear it. However, he never said a word to me, not even in training yesterday so I wasn't to know.

You have to realise I was just so desperate for us to win.

The daft thing is we were on top in the match and even if they had scored I think we would have still come out at the end with a positive result. Until my sending off we were more than comfortable, unfortunately from being a goal up we conceded two in the last five minutes for a loss that means we will have to wait a little longer for promotion.

As I said that was the first sending off of my career and it is something that I will have to carry with me forever.

Footballers up and down the country have tags attached to their name. Stuart, for example, is known as a hardman and he lives up to that image when he is on the pitch.

For me it's goalscoring, hence 'Feed the Goat and he will score'. I am not associated with being sent off.

When something like that happens it is on your record and you are gutted.

I don't consciously go out in a match thinking I mustn't get sent off, I just get on with my game. But it's on there now and I just have to forget about it and move on.

I will be banned for one match which will mean missing the home game against Barnsley on April 6.

That means I am available for today's trip to my old club Rotherham and the Bank Holiday clash with Wolves, our nearest rivals in the League.

What happens after my suspension is out of my hands. The manager, Kevin Keegan, may decide to stick with the team that played while I was sat out. I have no control over that and all I can do is prove I am worthy of inclusion once I am available again.

I don't even know whether I will be in the starting line up at Millmoor today.

That is because the gaffer doesn't announce the team until the day of the game. I think that stems from previous experience he has had at his other clubs when players have been told they are not playing and then something comes out and they are needed. They have maybe gone out the night before and are not ready to play when called upon.

We are just told there is a squad of 18 players and it keeps everyone on their toes.

I am looking forward to going back to Rotherham and seeing some of my old friends. Though of course I will be more susceptible to buying them a drink after the match if we have won!

Rotherham have done a lot better than many people thought. They were promoted last season from Division Two and a lot of people thought they would go straight down again this year.

But they look like they will still be here next season and I think one of the main reasons for that is their togetherness.

They are not a big club and cannot go out and spend huge sums on new players and so when they came up they kept the majority of players that helped them get there in the first place.

The manager has shown faith in them and they have repaid him.

I was glad to see my friend Kyle Lightbourne getting the opportunity to play some first team football again following his loan move from Macclesfield to Hull.

One thing players need from their club is a feeling they are wanted.

And so when the manager puts you on the transfer list, as in Kyle's case, then that is a not so subtle sign that you are not.

I remember being in the same situation early in my Rotherham career. In fact, I recall the manager actually telling me that he did not want me in his team.

I went out on loan and actually had talks with Chesterfield. But we did not come to an agreement. I then went on loan to Notts County, played one game and got the call to come back to Rotherham and was back in the first team and things went from there.

Ironically, Kyle has gone from a team with little or nothing to play for to one with a chance of getting into the play-offs. Hopefully the move and that added incentive will be just what he needs to give him a lift.