“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”– attributed to Oscar Wilde, author

Self is a tricky topic for some of us. Who am I? Who should or could I be? How do others see me? No wonder there are so many self-help books and seminars about finding your true self, and ultimately become a better version of yourself. Especially young people might struggle with finding their own identity.

There are so many influences and nowadays influencers who have suggestions, what is in, hip or cool. There are so many cultural images of what one should be, look, or act like, from stereo types of beauty to true success, clothing, or even the words and accent one may use.

Who we are, or show of ourselves, may decide what group we belong to and open or close certain doors. So I understand that people try to fit in, belong somewhere. We try to fit in, may get tattoos, buy certain clothing, become a football fan or find some other way of identifying ourselves as who we are.

For Christians there are sometimes confusing messages as well. On the one side Jesus quotes the Old Testament that we should love our neighbour as ourselves, which seems to imply that self-love is a Christian virtue, and on the other side many verses in the Bible seem to lead to the opposite conclusion, from denying ourselves to repentance and changing the way we are. How can we think both?

It is true, on the one side God created us in a unique and special way. It actually is amazing to see how many things about us, even though we are all humans, are unique like our fingerprints, our iris, our genetic code, and even our heart beat or gate. Psalm 139:14 (NIV) says: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

However, at the same time we know that we don’t live up to God’s expectations and demands. The apostle Paul says in Romans 3:23 (NIV): “ … all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

We do live in this tension, between being perfect creations and imperfect sinners. The biblical answer to this dilemma is the Story of the Fall when Adam and Eve overstepped God’s commandment not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Bad.

The idea is that people became flawed. Knowing about good and evil opened choices and made us accountable and responsible for our actions or lack of. We don’t act by instinct alone, but make decisions. Decisions though are often not simple, but may have consequences. Everything we do or decide not to do has consequences. Some of those consequences may be negative in some aspect, even if we intended to do the right thing.

While this sin is real, the Bible teaches us not to despair because of it. God has grace for us, forgiveness of sin. That is why God came into our world in Jesus Christ. He offers us a new beginning, a new self to replace the old self. All we have to do is accept this offer and repent, which means to admit that we are not perfect, that we all have mistakes and that we all need grace.

We don’t need to prove we are perfect, cool, in or hip. With grace we can begin to have grace for ourselves, and then have grace for others. If God forgives us, we can do so as well.

It opens us to seeing ourselves with new eyes, as a new creation. It actually makes self-love possible, as it will not be self-love that leads to pride and self-deception, but humbles us.

We can truly be ourselves and let others be who they are without passing judgment, as we are not judged either any more.

Why is self-love so powerful? Loving yourself in this way is incredibly powerful because it forms the foundation of how you interact with the world around you, when you develop self-love. Your are essentially nurturing a healthy relationship with yourself, which then ripples outward, influencing how you treat others and how others perceive you.

That is not the same as accepting everything. Accepting means tolerating ourselves and others. Tolerating means to carry the burden of suffering that things are not perfect. Tolerance allows us and others to live in and with error without being judged.

With that knowledge, loving ourselves is actually a very good exercise, because it meets the true meaning of love: to meet the need of a person to be the best of their ability, and that person is you.

It does not mean to be perfect, but to recognise that perfection is actually the enemy of good enough. True self-love is then a powerful force that receives its power from God and his love.

Yes, God loves you, he loves you so much that he gave his only son that all who believe in him may have eternal life (John 3:16).

There are so many songs about love. Music can be so inspiring. I just listened to Whitney Houston’s great song: The Greatest Love of All, which encourages us to learn to love ourselves.

• Karsten Decker is a German theologian with a double degree equivalent to an MTheol and MDiv. He studied in Marburg (Germany), Knoxville (USA), and Toronto (Canada) and comes from a united church of Lutheran and Reformed Churches. He was the pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Bermuda from 2010 to 2017, and after returning from Germany is now the temporary pulpit supply at Centenary United Methodist Church in Smith’s